October 27, 2011 DIVORCED MEN REMARRY QUICKER THAN DIVORCED WOMEN

Filed under: Uncategorized — metzman @ 1:29 pm

An article in The New York Times by Sam Roberts, January 16, 2007 said: “For what experts say is probably the first time, more American women are living without a husband than with one, according to a New York Times analysis of census results.

“In 2005, 51 percent of women said they were living without a spouse, up from 35 percent in 1950 and 49 percent in 2000.”

When divorces occur, men are much more likely to remarry than women. At ages 45 and plus, around 1/3 of men remarry and approximately 25% of women. I was intrigued by this statistic and curious as to the reasoning behind it, and looked at it from different angles.

Most women are reluctant to leave a marriage for reasons such as; family, economics, image of stability and fear of traumatizing children. For another thing, they don’t want the stigma of failure as problems in marriages are usually attributed to woman.

I find that women will live with many flaws in their marriage before committing to the heart-rending deed of divorce. There are many women who know their husbands are cheating (either with women or men) who might even be keeping a mistresses. Still, they stick with the marriage.

No doubt, there are women who leave marriages because they are on a mission to find themselves and although the union is good, they leave. I believe they are in the minority. For the most part, when a woman wants out there is good, solid reason. Perhaps once out of a bad marriage many are reluctant to jump in again – especially if they have the means of earning a decent income.

In this modern world where the sexes are supposedly equal, women are still doing the majority of household chores. Tie that into a husband who is unresponsive to their needs, is emotionally distanced and/or underlying it all has little respect for women. Yes, there is still a strong prejudice that women are not as smart as men. It might be a nasty holdover from yesteryear but there it is – in your face.

Tension foments when domestic responsibilities are uneven. I’ve spoken to many married women who have that specific complaint: He lies around, and then when asked to do the tasks on his list, he says he will. When it doesn’t get done she begins to repeat her request over and over, and becomes a nag. Once that occurs he has a complaint about his wife to present to his buddies. The perception of a nagging wife is dangerous to the health of a marriage.

Although that type of situation takes on humorous characteristics with the cartoonish depiction of a nagging wife, the real implications of anger and resentment for both parties go a long way toward the destruction of a relationship. It sets up an infantile domestic setting. A nagging wife might remind the man of his mother and who can go to bed with your mother?

You might tell me I have an outdated notion of the “modern man.” I don’t think so by the numbers of women I’ve spoken to. Look at ads on TV depicting home situations. The wife is frantically running around after work, dragging in bags of groceries while the man sits around clueless until his wife calls everyone in to eat the dinner she’s prepared – usually some food the ad is touting. That type of ad is duplicated in various forms and is repetitive. There’s one where the kids are throwing things across the table and the wife is trying to control them and serve dinner while the man is blissfully unaware and munching happily on a sandwich. I don’t hear an outcry that this is inappropriate to today’s modern world.

In the series “Everyone Loves Raymond” it is no wonder the fictional main character, Raymond, complains about the lack of sex. It appears that the character ducks out of domestic chores when he can and plays golf on weekends while his overtaxed wife takes care of 3 very young children. There are times he exhibits sensitivity, but it seems to be forced out of him – usually by the wife character’s nagging. And this is done as comedy. I don’t find it funny.

We should never underestimate the power of the media and its subliminal influence. Very young children, both boys and girls, see these commercials and gender roles are allocated and imbedded into the unconscious. I believe these gender perceptions start at birth and especially surface later when teens (male and female) become social and all the way up into adulthood.

Haven’t you guys learned that men who participate in the household of their own free will get more and better sex? The man scrubbing the floor or doing the laundry is one hell of a sensuous guy.

In another section of the article above from The New York Times, Roberts said: “Several factors are driving the statistical shift. At one end of the age spectrum, women are marrying later or living with unmarried partners more often and for longer periods. At the other end, women are living longer as widows and, after a divorce, are more likely than men to delay remarriage, sometimes delighting in their newfound freedom.”

Today single women tend to prefer relationships where they see their significant other on weekends, and that goes for some who are married. In that type of arrangement, she has no worries about the division of domestic chores, arguments over bills, contention over time spent with her girlfriends and she might even have gained a sense of freedom she hasn’t experienced in a long time – if ever. The sense of empowerment can be most gratifying and not easily given up.

Of course, men have the option of dating/marrying women of varying ages. They can select women who are many years younger. It is socially acceptable. The flip side for females is that they are generally locked in because the men in their age category are dating younger women. Also, if they have children they might be less desirable to a man who is seeking marriage. He might be more inclined to find a younger woman with no children.

The tendency to rush into marriage too soon after becoming single is risky. Approximately 68% of second marriages fail. The percentages go up with subsequent marriages. Males might be too eager to reenter marriage because they miss the amenities society grants to men in that institution. They might be seeking remarriage because they want an easier and simpler personal life style – aided by the little woman.

When single women marry too soon after a divorce or widowhood, they, too, face a negative impact. If they are only seeking security and/or the image a married woman presents to society they might be overlooking red flags or perhaps recognizing them and putting them aside. There is still the misconception that marriage will change a spouse. This happens infrequently.

Single women often have a good support system with other women. Men usually don’t do that kind of networking. Women are more into making social arrangements than men. Men can become more dependent because they often lack the skills to keep a social life together. In marriage men might find relief from domestic responsibility and daily living decisions, leaving all that sissy stuff to their wives whereas women often feel put upon in taking up more and more tasks.

It might boost the success rate of second plus marriages if all newly single people would become more amenable to waiting longer. That hiatus should be used to discover reasons why the first or second (or more) time around failed. That means unearthing and understanding motivations and behavior. Once one develops insight into themselves, they are in a better position to find a satisfying relationship based on love, commonality of interests, communication, carefully planned blending of families or any other issues of importance in relationships. This is the path to being much more mature in a relationship and therefore better able to find contentment.

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