As published in Project Muse (Produced by: The Johns Hopkins University Press in collaboration with The Milton S. Eisenhower Library), they quoted a study titled, Unhappily Ever After: Effects of Long-Term, Low-Quality Marriages on Well-Being by Daniel N. Hawkins and Alan Booth, 1935 Social Forces, Volume 84, Number 1, September 2005, pp. 451-471, DOI: 10.1353/sof.2005.0103.

It is from The University of North Carolina Press. “The present study shows that long-term, low-quality marriages have significant negative effects on overall well-being. We utilize a nationally representative longitudinal study with a multi-item marital quality scale that allows us to track unhappy marriages over a 12-year period and to assess marital happiness along many dimensions. Remaining unhappily married is associated with significantly lower levels of psychological distress compared to remaining otherwise continuously married. There is also some evidence that staying unhappily married is more detrimental than divorcing, as people in low-quality marriages are less happy than individuals who divorce and remarry. They also have lower levels of life satisfaction, self-esteem and overall health than individuals who divorce and remain unmarried. Unhappily married people may have greater odds of improving their well-being by dissolving their low-quality unions as there is no evidence that they are better off in any aspect of overall well-being than those who divorce.”

 I think it is very important to look at what possible detrimental health effects occur in people who stay in unhappy marriages. Some studies (not quoted or mentioned in this blog) suggest that the percentage of unhappy marriages in the general population might go as high as 80%.   

Okay. We all know a couple or many couples who are in gloomy marriages and that quite a few choose to remain in these situations for various reasons. The most obvious reasons to me for not making a life change are the financial and social benefits. Another is image security produced in a society that exerts tremendous pressure to be married. I think image security is the more compelling reason for staying. Many people need to present the picture-perfect, white-picket fence marriage to the world as a sign of their personal success. Sometimes the price of that artificial success is disastrous to mental and physical well-being.

In my own little world, I have noticed that some people who stay in discontented relationships often deny reality and put on a cheery face to the world. Perhaps there is no apparent lack of good health to the naked eye. They seem able to remove themselves emotionally and psychologically from the misery. They immerse themselves in outside activities and/or have absorbing interests and/or networks of friends to replace what is lacking in their marriages. They sometimes go on overload in these areas to keep from thinking about why they stay wretchedly partnered. 

Maybe the underlying reason for coupling is coded into our DNA by Mother Nature to encourage reproduction. Or, as mentioned, there is an obsession to present the impression of happily-ever-after — with smoke and mirrors, if need be. Perhaps even a weak pretense at being happily married is a way to boost self-worth in our society no matter what the consequences.

Some might jump into matrimony haphazardly or make poor decisions for a mate because of this implied mandate to achieve a normal way of life. It is sometimes a factor with closeted gays and lesbians who jump into heterosexual relationships to make a show of being straight. If there are children as a result of such unions, it is they who pay the price when it is no longer feasible to keep up the charade. If the person in a miserable relationship, no matter what their gender choice, attempts to keep up a blissful façade there might be an enormous toll emotionally, psychologically and physically. It is energy depleting and the unhappiness bleeds into every aspect of daily living.

I have to ask what long-term denial does to the psyche and body in these instances. In my opinion, it is as destructive as being openly unhappily married. I’ve even wondered if this denial pattern, that seems to shut down a portion of our functioning brains over a long period of time, doesn’t create havoc in our behavior when we reach advanced ages. Are the results a neurological impairment, the kind that might turn into senility or Alzheimer’s? Although this is my own speculation from years of observation, I’m convinced that continuous stress, denial and tension, or all of the above, will change the brain chemistry to the detriment of well-being. We all have our down times occasionally, but when it is continual and in-your face 24/7 or denied, it bleeds into every action, thought and behavior. Then what?

The SexyG                                                                  franuc@aol.com