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August 12, 2010
We appear to have an epidemic of men watching computer porno sites, even during working hours. To illustrate that, I use the Washington Post article: SEC porn investigation nets dozens. As reported on April 23, 2010 by Ed O’Keefe, the SEC probed 33 people for watching porn at work and several senior positions were involved.
One senior official working at headquarters admitted watching porn for as much as 8 hours a day on an office computer. I ask you, when did he work? In a regional office a staff member admitted to viewing porno on an office computer and on an SEC issued laptop while on official business. The list goes on. We are in serious trouble financially in this country, yet this disgraceful behavior continues, unchecked, for long periods of time. Haven’t these employees heard about our recession? The real insult is that the average salaries of these people averages in the $150,000 range.
Similar allegations appeared at the National Science Foundation, the National Park Service and even a judge of a US Circuit Court of Appeals. And then this woman working at Citibank, as she reported, is reprimanded for wearing tight-fitting clothing and told that her outfits were too distracting at the workplace? Is this the Jezebel Syndrome or the Adam and Eve debacle? Why are we blaming women for out-of-control men? Come on guys! So many of you watch hours of porn and then accuse a woman for being distracting in the workplace? Is she supposed to wear a nun’s habit or burka? Get the message?
This excessive viewing of porn begs the question: How do men view women? Do they just think they are sex objects? Is it more enticing to view porn alone and indulge in the usual masturbation that accompanies it than to be with a woman, or are they just addicts? I have to believe that pornography plays into how men are socialized – to be unemotional because it is too sissy to reveal a more vulnerable side to the world. I suspect men believe that distracts from society’s concept of masculinity and dovetails into his fear of not being in control. It stands to reason that a woman who is looking for sexual as well as emotional satisfaction presents a threat to those men who are trying so hard not to appear feminine. For these, I believe, insecure men it is much easier to have phantom sex with a monitor than with a woman.
I saw a play recently by a very well-known author. There were several men and two women actors. The female protagonist of the play was portrayed as a screaming diva with almost no redeeming qualities. The other woman was slutty.
I imagine if the man put his mother in the play she’d be the Madonna. What was startling about the drama was that the demanding bitch designated as the main character and (according to the title of the play) was supposed to be about her life, took a background position. It became a story about the men and their dilemmas as minorities, their sad backgrounds and their bravery in surviving the daily grind of life.
I find this play and its view of women telling. I do believe there exists underneath the layers of denial in many men a strong disdain for women. Often women in literature are portrayed by male writers in a similar manner. Either she is a bitch, a slut or servile no matter how intelligent or accomplished she is. Are these myths perpetuated by those men who feel that emotionally “surrendering” to a woman traps him and damages his pride (at least in his mind)?
I think that is why, in my experience, men turn a deaf ear to what a woman says she wants or needs as it pertains to sex cuddling or affection. No matter how many times a male may ask a woman what she likes sexually and otherwise, once she tells him, it is thereafter avoided. This type of male either tries to speed up the sexual process in order to disengage quicker and/or protects his manliness by never taking what he thinks are orders from a woman even though he asked.
To paraphrase Ethel Spector Person, Professor of Clinical Psychology at Columbia University from her book, Dreams of Love and fateful Attractions, there is a dread of loss of self that presents a big fear. Sometimes after sex or other intimate moments he might start a fight in order to distance himself emotionally.
The plethora of porn that is available 24/7 has created difficulties in many relationships. Men who become addicted to pornography take many hours away from the family, wife or a partner. It is like the old boy’s club where men can’t understand why a woman would object to their numerous hours of watching porn. After all, didn’t parents look upon boys’ reading girly and pornographic magazines as a rite of passage? Why then as an adult is he asked to stop the habit? It’s all part of being a man. Isn’t it?
The kind of porno available now is hurting young boys in their attitudes toward women, and they take that with them into adulthood. In porno we know women are objectified and that’s how young minds become wired. Even women are affected as they try to make their bodies more like the porn stars by having breast implants and in being submissive.
In an article (Health) that came out January 19, 2004 in Time, entitled, The Porn Factor, written by Pamela Paul. “In the Internet age, pornography is almost everywhere you look. But what is it doing to real-life relationships?” Paul continues, “Sometimes pornography tears couples apart. At the 2003 meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, two-thirds of the 350 divorce lawyers who attended said the Internet played a significant role in divorces in the past year, with excessive interest in online porn contributing to more than half of such cases.”
Paul quoted Mark Schwartz, director of the Masters and Johnson clinic in St. Louis, Mo. Essentially, he said there are several reasons why porn is bad. It objectifies women as nothing more than breasts, legs and buttocks and creates a need for visual stimulation for arousal. “The image of a lonely, isolated man masturbating to his computer is the Willy Loman metaphor of our decade.”
Yet, Paul writes, “Still, couples therapists sometimes suggest pornography as a way to refresh relationships or spark desire. Increasingly, women are game. Sociologist Michael Kimmel has found that each year more of his female college students approve of porn, which may reflect women’s increased sexual empowerment.”
But to paraphrase some of those findings, it is suggested that erotic material, rather than straight out porn may be used. While porn objectifies and debases women, egalitarian erotica can be shared and enjoyed by both.
Come on guys, put in some work, change your mindset so that you and your partner can be on the same page – face to face, skin to skin. Go for the real deal but really hear what she has to say. It’s not much fun spending hours upon hours alone and isolated. In my opinion, prostitution may be looking pretty warm and cozy when compared to the phantom sex of porn.
Sexy Gma
July 21, 2010
By the Sexy Gma
Recently, the tennis star, Venus Williams, got critically torn up in the press when she walked out on the court for the Australian Open dressed somewhat unconventionally in an unusually skimpy tennis outfit. Whenever she smacked the ball, the audience got a look at her flesh-colored panties. Personally, I thought it was really cute; she designed the outfit herself for her new line of clothing. What seemed to offend people, though, was that, supposedly, it looked like Venus wore nothing underneath her skirt.
Venus answered on Twitter: “I am wearing undershorts the same color as my skin, so it gives the slits in my dress the full effect.” Venus who has a fashion line called Eleven continued: “My dress for the Australian Open has been one of my best designs ever!”
So, if it was meant to look like she wasn’t wearing panties- So what? What’s new about looking at women’s butts during matches? Men have been watching women’s tennis to see cleavage, short skirts, and panty flashes for years. It seems to me, the camera men are waiting for those shots. Many of the photos taken during women’s matches seemed deliberately designed to capture the most anatomical parts.
I don’t hear complaints about men wearing speedos in swimming matches – much less clothing than Venus wore. Oh, right. The men get better speed in the water with those bikini-like swim trunks. Well, maybe skimpy tennis outfits make women more aerodynamic as well. No sleeves or skirts to get caught in the wind like a kite that might slow the star down or be distracting.
Venus was vilified for her immodesty. There were even some catcalls from the audience. This seems a bit hypocritical to me as the streets are full of women wearing postage stamp-sized dresses that are so clingy that I can sometimes see where women have moles that are in more private places. And the v-necks leave little to the imagination.
We’ve all heard the phrase that women who dress like that are looking for “it.” Listen up – these women are trying to attract men, not get raped. Usually, it works. Not long ago, I walked behind a couple – the woman wore a dress that ended and curve into the crease between thigh and buttocks. The man holding her hand was drawling into her cleavage. She certainly got his attention. I honestly thought it was a fine and found it amusing.
We have to ask the question: Are men who show their butt cracks looking to be raped, either by a man or woman? No, they are treated humorously and said to be “in” with the new styles. Who knows, maybe looking like a hard working plumber is all the rage.
Another example of over concentration on what women are wearing was exemplified in an article reported on msnbc.com, June 24, 2010, Woman: Bank fired me for being sexy. “…The single mom used to work for Citibank as a business banker at their branch inside the Chrysler building. She says her outfits for work were deemed “too distracting” by her male managers. They allegedly pointed to her rear and said her pants were too tight.”
It was said that she never showed cleavage, and after reporting the incident to human resources, management retaliated, giving her assignments with little preparation to perform the new tasks. Then she was fired.
Isn’t it incumbent on men to deal with female colleagues on a business level rather than look upon them as a sex symbol? Don’t males need to be in control of their behavior? Why does a woman have to be responsible for keeping the men she works with in line? Do we hear about men who are fired for wearing tight pants and leaving the top buttons undone on their shirts?
I once went to an art auction and the auctioneer wore sheer tight pants, no underwear and one could see, not only the outline of his penis, but the colors as well. His see-through pants didn’t bother me. I was just amazed that he had the guts to wear them, especially with a couple dozen people in the front row who couldn’t help but stare at his pubic area. Amazingly, no one reported him or made a fuss.
It’s a challenge for most women to find clothing today without plunging necklines or isn’t outrageously sexy. Remember, the fashion industry is dominated by men, trying for the combination that makes women’s clothing attractive to men like a bee to a flower.
On the flip side, we have another fashion dilemma. At Citibank the woman was approximately 5’ 6” and weighed 125 lbs. But in this new hullabaloo bigger women are caught in a controversy. In a Philadelphia Inquirer article by Maria Panaritis on June 4, 2010, entitled, Plus-Size Dustup, she said: “…A commercial featuring a plus-size model in slinky lingerie aired during American Idol in late April and May, but only after a full-blown dustup over whether the ad, with skin shots galore, should be edited.” It seems that plus size women have more cleavage, or so it was thought. I have to differ with that as implants have given small women large breasts.
Panaritis continues: “In the 20-second spot, a buxom woman is seen in Cacique brand bra and panties as she gussies for a lunch date with a man.” In my opinion, more skin shows when thinner women wear bikini bathing suits or underwear on TV than was shown by these ads.
It was reported that Fox at first refused to run the ad and then asked that all shots showing the upper torso be edited out. In the same Inquirer article they discussed how Lane Bryant, the store that features plus sizes, fought back. They used the internet for a marketing campaign that started a national debate as to whether “sexy skivvies” on a small-sized women is more acceptable than when put on a “bodaciously curvy Size 14?” This campaign was remarkably successful and drew 2.3 million online views at one point. We do have large numbers of women who qualify for being somewhat larger than what society deems is an appropriate size for women – namely skinny. Fox finally gave in and said they would run the unedited ad in the last 15 minutes of American Idol’s Wednesday night show, starting April 28 until May 19.
We never hear such a fuss being made when a beer ad on TV shows a pot-bellied man, lounging in an armchair in messy briefs. He might even scratch his butt as he calls for his woman to bring him refreshments. It draws laughs when, in fact, such images perpetuates male immaturity and disdain for women. But try to show a plus-sized woman in revealing clothing and editing is demanded and becomes a public issue.
We have so many sexy TV, movies, and ads with butts and breasts showing. There are even a series of ads with seemingly very young girls who pose in very seductive positions. But when a full-sized woman reveals skin there is a panic?
The saga continues. Whenever a woman is in the spotlight, no matter how esteemed her position, the focus is on her looks or size of her thighs or her hair style. And if she’s assertive and dressed conservatively she is often called a lesbian.
Come on people! Let’s not put the entire burden on women for their clothing choices, portraying them as bitches that lure men into dangerous situations by exposing tits and ass and promises of great sex. Concentrate on what’s below the skin line and under the skull. Then, when a good friendship is in place you will probably have a much better time. If done in that order, it might (or not) lead to hotter sex. Your chances are good.
Sexy Gma
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June 21, 2010
By the Sexy G.
Let me start by saying that June is Celibacy month. On the flip side, prostitution flourishes. Is it because men, more than ever, need the emotional disconnect that sex with a prostitutes allows?
A friend of mine likes to hold high tea, and so not long ago I found myself sitting at a table with a lovely group of women, sipping out of china and nibbling on cucumber finger sandwiches. The women ranged in age from approximately 19 to 70, and it was such a diverse group. We didn’t start out by talking about men and infidelity, but by the time we were served our petite butter cookies, we had gotten around to it.
The youngest of the group had only ever had a single date throughout her entire high school career. She said the boys were interested in one thing – sex. Conversation and getting to know each other seemed not to be a part of what those young men wanted. Another women who had multiple marriages said that each husband had been emotionally distant. The future divorcé across the table from her agreed. These intelligent, good-looking women, from the outside looking in, seemed to have it all – including wonderful relationships with great guys. Obviously, not.
When prompted by the trouble maker, yours truly, each gal seated at the table spoke about her personal life and, amazingly, six of these seven women further admitted to having a father who was also emotionally detached (my own dad marched in that parade of emotional robots, too). The ladies were very honest and open, and easily jumped right into the fray. I have to ask, if you sat with seven men around the table would it be the same?
Our tea chatter echoed conversations I’ve heard throughout my whole life; from student to wife to parenthood, and now into grandparenthood. Now, those hundreds of conversations run through my head – women’s voices bemoaning male detachment, although they’ll put it differently: He doesn’t talk to me… He works so much I never see him… He comes home and goes straight to sports… He doesn’t listen… But what it comes down to is how many men behave with emotional detachment and, predictably, that brings me to the topic of gender-role socialization with a sprinkling of infidelity.
I believe that with emotional fortifications people have an easier time cheating. A person who lacks the ability to empathize with another not only distances themselves from the feelings of their partner, but also from whomever they are sleeping with at the moment. Perhaps they lack a respect for close, connected relationships, or worse- fear them. One man who has been married four times once told me he literally chokes when a woman gets too close to him.
If you like cheating without any strings of respect for others attached, a prostitute can be a good solution. At least six percent of men admit to using a prostitute and, categorically, most men who visit prostitutes often have girlfriends or wives, according to an article from Love & Relationships. Pay-for-sex is definitely on the rise worldwide.
I’ve heard men say that a one-night stand with a prostitute is good for them because it is devoid of emotion- it’s just about the sex – and that is the appeal. Let me get this straight- you perform one of the most humanly intimate acts with another person, and maintain that the appeal was the lack of any necessary connection?
Why is this idea that men enjoy sex, robot style, with another person such a widely accepted phenomenon? Generally, we are taught to believe that men have difficulty connecting emotionally and cheat permissibly as if it were like breathing air or eating their morning bowl of cereal. We are taught that it is in their biological wiring. But, there has been new research with surprising results.
In a News Release from APS (Association for Psychological Science, January 26, 2010, Catherine Allen-West states:
“Pennsylvania State University psychological scientists Kenneth Levy and Kristen Kelly doubted the prevailing evolutionary explanation because there is a conspicuous subset of men who like most women find emotional betrayal more distressing than sexual infidelity.”
So, by and large, it is only a “conspicuous subset of men” who, like most women, view emotional infidelity as on a par with sexual infidelity. Yet these men exist. To me, this means that emotional detachment is not hard-wired.
The study suggests that “…the prevailing evolutionary explanation” might not be the answer. In other words, male macho behavior is not necessarily coded into the genes. This harkens back to images of early childhood, when boys and girls are socialized differently. For instance, they are not allowed to cry and told they are sissies if they interact equally with a girl rather than immerse themselves in sports.
On the other hand, women have it ingrained into their brains from an early age that they must be the nurturer and made to feel guilty if not playing that role. These concepts are alive and well even though it might be deeply buried in the psyche. I know you’ve heard all this before and may argue how it’s different today, but sorry folks. In my contacts with people of all ages, it strongly appears not to have changed all that much, especially if you talk to enough women. It is a learned process.
So men, on the whole, are taught to value sexual loyalty in their partners over emotional loyalty. “But why would this be?”, our scientists ask. So, back to the study.
“The researchers suspected that it might have to do with trust and emotional attachment. Some people – men and women alike – are more secure in their attachments to others, while others tend to be more dismissive of the need for close attachment relationships. Psychologists see this compulsive self-reliance as a defensive strategy – protection against deep-seated feelings of vulnerability. Levy and Kelly hypothesized that these individuals would tend to be concerned with the sexual aspects of relationships rather than emotional intimacy.”
So overall, men are dismissive of the need for “close attachment relationships.” Those men who fall into the realm of emotional detachment (and they are in the majority) use that lack of connection to explain away the guilt of cheating. I’ve heard them say to wives or partners when they are caught that having indifferent sex with another woman is less than a kiss on a cheek. The supposed funny line that I’ve been told is- Going to a prostitute means you don’t even have to say goodbye. And I might add … you don’t ever have to say you’re sorry.
For the sake of better relationships we need to bring more men into the fold of confronting their emotional side (heaven forbid we call it their feminine side). They need to be encouraged to be fearless in the face of societal and peer pressure that tells them they must bury emotions. With healthier relationships, I believe, there will be far less reason to worry about infidelity – either emotional or sexual.
By the way, how many of you have been celibate this month? I think I see one hand in the back of the room. Ooops. He’s wearing a collar.
The sexy Gma
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May 27, 2010
 Tenors at Lunch, by Paul Gordon By the Sexy G.
I looked at the picture of two college students, Yeardley Love and George Huguely. The two look like clean-cut, all American types, gifted in academics and athletics and both played lacrosse. He also excelled in football before heading to college, having come from an economically comfortable background. Nothing about the very good-looking pair spoke of the brutality behind the sweet-faced, innocent appearing senior students at University of Virginia.
Not long ago, Huguely was arrested for allegedly murdering Love, an ex-girlfriend. Supposedly, court documents state that he kicked her door in and shook her as her head repeatedly hit the wall. A short time before Love’s body was found, the pair had an altercation at a bar and Hugely had to be physically separated from her.
We are all aware of the sense of entitlement some talented male athletes have about what is due them and that decent behavior or having boundaries doesn’t exist for them. This public acceptance and even applause of rude, uncivil actions has been accorded male celebrities, male athletes and the male population in general. My impression is that society and the media treat celebrity women who misbehave as flaky, trivial, and dumb.
For instance, when Rihanna was allegedly beaten by Chris Brown not that long ago, a man I know said that he had no doubt that the woman making that claim was probably a nobody looking to make some money. Obviously, he had no idea that Rihanna was a star in her own right. The person who made the statement was bright, generally well-informed and not known as a macho man. He seemed to respect his wife. But what he gave was an instantaneous opinion without knowing anything about the case that might well have come from a deep-rooted, deeply-embedded societal induced belief about women. From the beginning, Eve was responsible for Adam’s irresponsibility. That core belief never seems to have gone away.
I believe that an underground prejudice toward women is woven into the fabric of our lives that is very hard to detect but is insidious and shows itself in many way. For the most part, men and women tell me that there is equality out there. I believe that is a fallacy.
What are we missing here? What part of the puzzle allows a man to believe he owns a woman like real estate and that it is all right to abuse, maim or rape her because she’s asking for it? It wasn’t that long ago that the authorities considered battering a woman a domestic dispute, not a police matter, leaving the woman open for more beatings and in some instances death. I believe, that attitude not only still persists openly but for many others exists quietly in the deepest recesses of male sensibilities. How many times have we heard the statement that if a woman is raped she must have asked for it? How many ways does it take to tell someone no? No means NO! Women are asked to behave responsibly by society and are castigated if they don’t while men are just acting the way they “are supposed to.”
It seems that society generally allows men a wide swath in which to be naughty. I’ve heard many men and women say boys will be boys, and we have to pander to their immaturities because it’s in their nature – in the genes. Hogwash. I find this a very dangerous belief system. It suggests men don’t need to grow up. This kind of thinking has encouraged women, too often, to forgive outrageous behavior in men to the point where they have sometimes wound up maimed or dead.
Let’s talk about Roman Polanski. Here’s a man who allegedly raped a 13 year old child anally and vaginally after plying her with liquor and drugs. It is reported that the child begged him to stop. He went on the run before his sentencing and has been living what appears to be a very good life in Europe making movies.
Many years have passed and the US wants to extradite him so the courts can complete the legal portion of a man who admitted raping the child. But now we have many celebrities making appeals to free Roman Polanski such as Woody Allen (no surprise there), Tilda Swinton, Martin Scorsese and many others.
Yet, teachers who have inappropriate sex with younger students do jail time. A Burbank teacher, Amy Beck, who confessed to having sex with a fourteen year-old male student turned herself in and was given a two year sentence. She didn’t go on the run and live a luxurious life and then have celebrities asking for her exoneration.
In my opinion there is much disdain for women, and it isn’t in the genes because even women fall into the trap. And if I’m mistaken and it is wired into men’s brains, it is strongly reinforced by society telling men that conquests and money are the most important issues. It’s sissy to give a woman the tiniest sliver of power. For the most part, this kind of thinking just makes for bad relationships. Taken to extremes, this sense of entitlement can cause a woman to be beaten, raped or killed. It might be a huge leap from naughty to murder, but it happens all too often. Entitlement can slip into an overwhelming need for control or an intense sense that women are property.
According to UCSC Rape Prevention Education http://www2.ucsc.edu/rape-prevention/statistics.html, : “Around the world at least 1 in 3 women has been beaten, coerced into sex, or otherwise abused in her lifetime. Most often the abuser is a member of her own family. (John Hopkins School of Public Health 2000)
“77% of rapes are committed by someone known to the person raped. (Bureau of Justice Statistics 1997)
“According to the National Victim Center, 683,000 women are raped each year. (1992)
There were many red flags where Huguely was concerned beside public altercations with Love. According to reports, he’s had difficulties in the past with explosive anger and a sense he could behave as badly as he wanted and still not be accountable.
Supposedly, he had run-ins with over-intoxication, resisting arrest, attacking a male student for allegedly kissing Love, cursing and aggressive behavior. Although the responsibility was on Huguely to rein in his anger, I can’t help but think that one or two teammates or adults who were privy to these outbursts should have reported it. As far as I can determine this didn’t happen. Huguely appears to have been protected by those around him and perhaps he came to believe he answered to no one but himself.
Many times the woman knows her rapist, but might be prone to thinking she deserves being abused, or did something to bring it on. From an early age women are given the notion that if a marriage/relationship fails, they are responsible. The burden of making it work is on a woman who must work hard to keep the relationship together. Even today women tell me that men dangle the fear of abandonment. If they are not good girls and do what they are told, he’s out of there. It might be a milder form of abuse, but is abusive nonetheless.
“Only 2% of rapists are convicted and imprisoned. (US Senate Judiciary Committee 1993). That last statistic is alarming. There is also a tendency for many women to not report being raped. FBI estimates that only 37% of rapes are reported to the police while US Justice Department approximates that only 26% are reported. The US Justice Department also estimates that in the US a woman is raped every 2 minutes.
We must ask ourselves some important questions. Our society gives unconditional adoration to male celebrities and athletes — college and professional- Are we giving them leeway to think they can have whatever it is they want when they want it? We pay exorbitant prices for tickets to their games whether we can afford it or not. Our TV’s are often tuned in to them. We cheer them on, venerate them. Then do we have the right to be shocked when they act outrageously or dangerously toward women? We must ask these men to control their urges just like anyone else. Despite the scary joke about male brains existing in their private parts we must demand that the population of loose cannons act responsibly. Most men do. Why can’t we demand the same for all?
The Sexy G
Image provided by Dr. Paul Gordon and can be viewed and purchased on his site, Mr. Mozart.
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May 21, 2010
By the Sexy Gma.
I have been further perusing Eric Garland’s article, Reinventing Sex: New Technologies and Changing Attitudes, published in the online publication, Integrative Spirituality, March 24, 2010 with great interest. The title says it all. So, let’s talk about future expectations of sex in our society.
Believing that Garland has reached the apex of predictions, I read on to find it only gets wilder. In the section labeled: “Pornography and Voyeurism,” he mentions, “Specifically, there will be more pornography everywhere. For the first time, everyone will be only a click away from explicit hard-core pornography, potentially from inexpensive handheld devices that most, if not all, consumers can afford.”
Just when you thought the market for porno was saturated and had no other place to go - a new horizon is seen. Before, I likened porno to creative writing in which there are only a certain amount of plots available; (revenge, lust, love, hero saves the earth, etc.). I thought sexual positions, too, had certain creative limitations. There are so many sexual positions, variations on dildos and all those accessories. Hasn’t it all been done and said? It seems not so.
Garland talks of voyeurism and how popular a theme it is in television programing. Look at the popularity of reality shows. Everyone wants to see how other people behave in certain environments and in their own homes. Perhaps people find it exciting to compare their own lives with others. Maybe they get off on watching people in difficult or dysfunctional roles.
This great interest in wanting to know how other people live brings to mind the flip side of the coin of voyeurism. Some people, including some celebrities, enjoy taping their sexual experiences. And somehow the videos hit the internet and the world watches these people in the sack. A world-wide market is created to peek into your boudoir. Why would anyone want such a beautiful, intimate act to be sent across the globe? Is it exhibitionism at its highest (or lowest) point? This tendency of humans to enjoy voyeurism and even exhibitionism will dovetail with the coming trends. In the future it seems that cyberspace will have the capability of duplicating reality, making one feel they are participating in sexual experiences.
For instance: Garland continues: “Physical toys could improve with materials science producing substances that feel more like skin and with greater viscosity. Pornographic movies, the most popular form of sexual entertainment will see technological improvements on two fronts: computer graphic displays and haptics or “telefeel” technology that stimulates the body to create a sensation offered by the software. Both of these approaches intend to create more-realistic simulations.”
I interpret Garland’s description of haptics (and telefeel) to mean that the computer will telegraph and stimulate the senses. Telecommunication in this sense will telegraph “…pressure, vibration, texture, and heat back to a person to simulate the physical sensations of real objects.”
Again Garland says, “Once eye-fooling graphics are combined with haptics that simulate virtual physical worlds, technicians will create software to better simulate people’s sexual fantasies, approaching the limit of fooling us into believing they are really happening.”
So, this will simulate a sexual experience. There is a far-reaching road to hoe (no pun intended) when following the future porno path to ecstasy. What is the downside?
We have to ask ourselves what the effect of this ever-closer link to porno means to adults as well as children. Mature adults know the good and bad associated with pornography and may choose to watch at certain moments, perhaps to sexually stimulate a stable relationship or at intermittent unattached times in their lives. But to use the videos, toys and graphics on a steady basis to avoid a real relationship is questionable at best. Children exposed to this might grow up encouraged to think it is perfectly fine to negate the emotional component and lack of human connection in sex.
There are already large numbers of people addicted to porno and with easier and more elaborate access we may see the numbers multiply greatly. That obsession can only be seen as very questionable for good mental health. Watching porno for hours upon hours can serve to isolate people into their own worlds, disdaining conversation and intimacy. As a matter of fact, any obsession can have a debilitating effect on those who are caught up in it. (But if you are a cleaning addict I might be able to help when you see my apartment J). Just kidding.
What about the life-size dolls that have skin-like feel? Just think- you are having sex with a doll/woman who has a model number, can’t speak or think and might cost $5000 to $8000 and be made in China at a factory. YIKES! Then again, some might really like the – can’t speak or think part.
I can see using these toys for practice, occasional fun, if there is no chance someone will ever have a partner or there is a neurological problem that limits someone’s social interaction abilities. But for those who appear to be engaged socially and/or have a mate, reliance on these stimulators for physical needs on a long-term basis seems to me to be flawed. The most important aspect of sex is the mind and the emotional connection with another human. Yes, I said a good, old-fashioned human.
Well, bring on the future with all the gadgets and we’ll see.
The SexyG
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April 30, 2010
By the Sexy G.
To continue delving into the article, Reinventing Sex: New Technologies and Changing Attitudes, by Eric Garland, published in Integrative Spirituality 3/24/10, and I quote: “While a great deal of published research on sex today covers pregnancy, disease, and violence, comparatively little expert literature available deals with how sex will change in coming decades, according to a 2003 white paper by the Planned Parenthood Federation of America. This makes sense, because these topics pose the greatest risks to health and society. Very little research shows positive trends in human interaction. Not enough understanding exists to show how the basic human function of sexual behavior will shift along with trends in society and technology.
“The mainstream media cover changes in divorce and dating, but the ways in which sexuality and attitudes toward sex will change in coming decades are topics that require more investigation. Indeed, the media will cover many of these shifts, leaving fewer people to feel isolated about their natural inclinations. Unfortunately, few sexuality topics are deemed appropriate to discuss forthrightly, despite the fact that so much regarding sex is changing right under our noses.”
Wow, that’s potent stuff, but what does it mean for us? We already are aware that many people both men and women 55+ are engaging and thinking about sex into their advanced years. How has television and the internet affected us and how will it continue to have impact? Of course, porn on the internet is rampant. Even people in the workplace spend hours a day downloading porn. We’ve seen a some exposes of this happening in breaking news recently.
To continue what Eric Garland said in his article: “One arbiter of loosening public attitudes toward sex is that censors are relaxing on television. Television has come a long way from the days when married characters shocked viewers by sleeping in the same double bed. Clearly, television censors now allow much more frank discussion of sexual behavior…On an episode of CBS’s popular detective show CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, a murder victim is shown to be in a community of “plushies,” a group of people who enjoy sex while dressed up like stuffed animals. Never before has there been such an open discussion on the fetishes, proclivities, and preferences that are part of all human diversity. ”
I’ll never forget the first time I heard an ad for erectile dysfunction. I was kind of lackadaisical about it until I heard them say that a four hour erection could send a man to the ER. My first thought was that the man in that situation could hire himself out to several women for a period of time before heading to the ER.
But a world of revelation about sexuality and choices has emerged from the loosening of censorship which is a healthy thing I believe. Even sex toys have evolved into the electronic age (this for a later blog) for multiple and super orgasms.
Again Garland states: “Researchers are working hard to realize Woody Allen’s “orgasmatron” as visualized in his futuristic film Sleeper (1973). One U.S. surgeon has already patented a pacemaker-sized device implanted under the skin that triggers an orgasm, and begun a clinical trial approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration.” (I wonder how that will work if you forget to turn it off during a job interview).
Hey, obviously from the blogs I’ve written I’m no prude and all of these new devices and changes are fine with me. But what does this say for the future? I’m looking for enhancement of the old-fashioned approach – one-on-one and person-to-person. Why isn’t there talk of improving and increasing personal intimacy? It all seems to be more in mechanical development where strides are being made. To me none of what I’m reading appears to improve actual relationships.
Why aren’t we talking about ways to minimize the different approaches as to how we socialize boys and girls? How can we make boys more sensitive and able to empathize, especially with a woman? Society encourages men to minimize or even demean emotion. Then when feelings are out of his realm of understanding we applaud that as he’s from Mars. Bull. It is so encoded in our rearing habits we don’t even notice when we do it to our children. There are unpleasant names for men who respond with emotion. This makes genders divisive and contributes to divorces.
I’m all for increasing sexual pleasure, but we have to be cognizant that we still want two humans involved. It reminds me of how frustrated we’ve become to being answered and helped by computers on the telephone. When we finally get a human voice on the line (if that’s even possible) it’s like a bright new world opening up and colors are much brighter. Same with good sex between two people.
The SexyG
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April 21, 2010
by the Sexy G
An article entitled, Reinventing Sex: New Technologies and Changing Attitudes published in Integrative Spirituality, 3/24/10, and written by Eric Garland (a futurist and competitive intelligence expert) dealt with many real issues of today that appeared to influence his predictions. The topics are:
“New technologies will promote pleasure, simulate reality, improve performance, and thwart disease/Waning Church Influence/Swinging Seniors/Television and the Internet/
Pornography and Voyeurism/Disease Prevention/Sex Toys.
Garland opened the article with, “Trends in family, religion, health, education, and technology are changing how we view and discuss sexual matters – including marriage, courtship, and the act itself – and what they mean in our lives. Though new confusions will arise from increasing freedoms, sex in 2025 will be healthier and safer than ever before. There will be less shame, more tolerance, and less violence. Sexual activity will even become widely accepted as an important aspect of healthy aging and a regular component of geriatric life.”
At first, I thought some of what was predicted was voodoo? But after carefully reading the article (which was originally published in the November-December 2004 issue of the THE FUTURIST) I became a believer. Garland seems to have based his futuristic predictions on social and technological trends which he discusses separately.
Garland says: “Waning Church Influence. Without church structures to lay down rules, individuals have more choices than ever before on morality issues such as sex, and they will have even more choices in the future. Formal church structures have been telling people what they can do sexually and how they should feel about it. It is natural that sexual activity will be judged by society, as this behavior fundamentally affects the health and prosperity of social groups from the tribe to the nation-state. Historically, formal churches have dictated these rules, but their authority in modern society seems to be slipping, along with church attendance.”
This article was first written in 2004. The Catholic Church scandals were already flooding the media at that time. Just think of the world-wide explosion of exposes that have beset the church since then? And I’m sure that many people are looking into their own denominations and clergy for such aberrations of behavior. Whether they find them or not, the behavior of a minority of priests has in all probability set off a tsunami of disbelief and distrust of the clergy by many people.
To my thinking it would stand to reason that a good portion of the population will become doubters. If we look at the sexual precepts that most religions espouse, we might do a double take in view of the often large disparity between the content of pulpit lectures and the behavior of some clergymen. There is no way to reconcile the two. There have been numerous well-known and lesser known clergy caught in sex scandals which wouldn’t be so bad if they didn’t preach family values, scream fire and brimstone – you’re going straight to hell for sexual misconduct type of sermons.
Garland says, “This lack of religious structure is resulting in an increase in individual spiritual structures. While church attendance is down, more people identify themselves as simply “spiritual.” The desire to be close to God had not waned, but traditional structures may not fit every person. As there are more individual spiritual structures, so will there be more people deciding what in their behavior is right and wrong – especially as it pertains to sex.”
Another influence in the march into the future is, as Garland says, “The impact of the aging of the baby boom generation is staggering. In 2000, 35 million people were 65 years of age or older. By 2020, that number will increase to 70 million people. The United States will be remade in the image of its aging citizens.
“If you only paid attention to the media, you would think that sex is only the dominion of the young – unless you count superstars like Jack Nicholson and Michael Douglas, who always seem to fall in love with younger actresses both onscreen and off. The media give the impression that young people have most of the sex out there. In reality, most of the sex in the coming decades will be enjoyed by people older than 50.”
This information has been demonstrated in studies done in recent years that address the myth that people over 55 tend to lose their sexual desire. Not so! As a matter of fact, the older population is almost as sexually active as younger people.
Garland went even further, “People will enjoy more sex for more of their lives than anytime in history. If medical technologies extend the normal life span into the 90s or 100s, then the average person will be sexually active for 80 years. That’s a lot of time to explore sex, and many decades to explore and enjoy after the kids are out of the house.”
There is much more to explore in this fascinating article dealing with sexual trends and fetishes. We’ll do that in the next blog.
SexyG
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March 28, 2010
By The Sexy G
In the first paragraph I’ll summarize what I wrote in the last blog. The subject was about a new trend that dealt with tightening, reconstructing and the rejuvenation of vaginas otherwise known as a “Designer Vaginas.” In addition to tightening vaginas (for obvious reasons), some of the other surgery is reconstruction designed to make vaginas smooth, youthful and bland. They are supposed to look better, but are they improved? Do men care about how vaginas look or would they just prefer talking about the process of sex and plain old tits and ass. As a highly intelligent male friend said, “For men it’s all about bucks, fucks and adventures.”
Guys are probably erotically socialized to images of vaginas, no matter if lumpy or smooth. Just think about the near-gynecological photos often seen in magazines aimed at males. They reveal everything short of the womb. I can’t help but think that men don’t care about vaginal bumps and lumps verses smoothness. If a woman is receptive to them, that’s all that’s important. Actually, the bumps and lumps could work to male advantage – more interesting and exciting. In other words, a free French tickler.
All of this talk gave me an idea that I’d like to expand on. I have a solution to all insecurities involving private parts. Most men want bigger and some women want smoother. Let’s take the surgerized lumps, bumps, and fat removed from vaginas and transplant it to penises. It’s like an organ donation. We don’t have to wait until we die to be a donor. Just do the surgery and preserve the parts removed, you know, like put it in an ice chest and helicopter it out to the recipient next on the list.
There is an enormous amount of interest and discussion around genitalia. But I have to wonder if your sex partner/s is really looking down there. Why are we so peculiar about the appearance of genitalia when it is ultimately how sex makes us feel – physically and emotionally?
And how far will we go to stimulate ourselves erotically? According to snopes.com, they published an article online entitled, The Love Machine; “Claim: Vending machines in Japan that offer for sale panties purportedly worn by schoolgirls. Status: TRUE. Origins: Used underwear that has supposedly been previously worn by schoolgirls is being offered for sale in vending machines in Japan. Though we don’t know the current price for such items, in 1993 they sold for the equivalent of US $50 apiece.
“We’d read that this practice ended in 1993 and reported as much in the original of this article (which was penned in 2001), but since that time numerous readers living in Japan have written to say that not only haven’t the machines gone away, but that they’ve themselves seen them.”
That isn’t to say that unusual fetishes aren’t sought out in many other countries including the USA. We just don’t have used schoolgirl panties in vending machines. They might be purchased outright from the wearer or roundabout. The cultures between the US and Japan differ, but it comes down to what stimulates a person sexually.
Are these fetishes created to avoid face to face contact and foreplay? Where are words of endearment when one is, I assume, sniffing schoolgirl panties? Where are the silky words of love? The slow, erotic merging of mind/body/spirit is not to be found in shoes, whips or used panties. Why do we need porn and fetishes and a host of other self-stimulating items? Are we fearful of an intimate connection? Have we grown to depend on inanimate objects for stimulation? Do we love the dildo more than making love with a cherished partner? As a society in general, are we terrified of emotions? Have we gone on an emotional disconnect?
The snopes.com article continues: “Japan is home to a thriving bura-sera industry – of which traffic in the soiled panties of schoolgirls represents only one part – with “bura-sera” or “buru-sera” the term for a specific male fascination relating to that country’s schoolgirls. “Buru” is anglicized Japanese (Japlish) for “bloomers” and “sera” for “sailor”; the term refers to the sailor suit, the predominant style of girls’ junior and high school uniforms. Dozens, if not hundreds, of magazines are exclusively devoted to bura-sera photographs, pictures that feature girls clad in school garb, holding up their skirts to display their panties. Usually in such photos the girls’ faces are hidden, but that is not always the case.”
We have forms of “buru-sera” here in this country. We have ads featuring young girls wearing sexy, revealing outfits posing in very inviting positions who don’t appear to be more than thirteen or fourteen. Even if they are older, they are made up to look very, very young. These ads are not geared to women, obviously. They are playing directly to men.
This is scary! In my mind, it speaks to pedophilia. I know the reasons given for wanting young, innocent looking girls are tight bodies and honeyed skin. I can’t help but wonder if it isn’t more about control. Usually, the child has had little sexual experience and is like a blank page to the man – and a virgin in all probability. The older more experienced male doesn’t have to deal with an adult woman who might ask to have her needs met and might have an assertive tone. Many men prefer a bimbo – immature and childlike and there are women willing to accomodate them in order to manipulate men in their own way.
Let’s all grow up. Examine these desires that keep us from mature, honest, communicating relationships. Concentrate on what gives pleasure to one another and the quality of delivery – not size or shape. There’s eroticism in foreplay. And let us not forget the muscle that can most arouses us – the mind.
SexyG
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March 19, 2010
By The Sexy G
On Tuesday, March 16, 2010, an article appeared in the Philadelphia Daily News, written by Dana DiFilippo. I laughed out loud at the topic of the article – new cosmetic surgery for the vagina. But then under the laughter I sensed that another very subtle demeaning insult was being hurled at women.
There are certain medical issues that are rational and need to be attended to. Many women suffer from bladders dropping and protruding into the vaginal canal. These problems are often due childbirth and/or aging. There are other real issues that need medical attention. That’s not what I’m dealing with here.
In the article it stated; “The American Society of Plastic Surgeons reported fewer than 800 vaginal rejuvenations in 2005. By 2009, the American Society of Aesthetic Plastic Surgery tallied more than 2,500.
“The cost of vaginal rejuvenation averages just under $4,000, according to the American Academy of Cosmetic Surgery.”
There are names for the procedures that we can snigger at – vaginoplasties done to tighten stretched muscles in the vaginal canal and labiaplasties where they actually surgerize the ugly vagina to make it look nicer, even and prettier. PRETTIER? Are these rejuvenated vaginas going to become runway models?
I can envision a line of clothing for cosmetically repaired vaginas. Duded up mini-vagina dolls with mini cars, motorcycles, bikes and apartments. And will there be a Peter Penis for Vagie Doll? You can bet he won’t have surgery to take out the wrinkles, bumps, lumps and discoloration as this surgery does for woman. He might want some chemical to make him, ahem, taller, but surgery to make a beautiful penis? I don’t think so.
After reading the article I thought about starting a foundation for the care, repair and improvement of disfigured vaginas. They’d have to find a poster woman, willing to display her maimed private parts. Who out there will send money to provide surgery to make her whole again?
So, what are some of the other procedures done for cosmetic reasons? Hymens are repaired and so virgins are reborn. Why is that necessary to fake being a virgin? Women are sexual creatures and most have sex before marriage. Many even enjoy it. Does the Madonna Complex still exist (and I don’t mean the singer/actress) where men can’t tolerate the idea that a woman has gone to bed with another man? Yes, unfortunately if this procedure is offered and performed, there must be a demand to virginize women. I have been aware that this operation has been done for many years. Even if men aren’t saying this out in the open, the fact that such a surgery is performed at all tells us this need for virgins is alive and well and living just under the surface of male society.
I am reminded of the tradition of yesteryear where Chinese women were brutalized by breaking their feet, starting at a young age, in order to keep their shoe size small. She then walked with small, mincing steps, also thought to be feminine. Maybe they walked that way to keep the constant pain to a minimum. Later in life, these women were virtually crippled. My shoe size is a ten. I hate to think what would have happened to me.
DiFilippo also wrote in the article; “Critics charge that such procedures are genital mutilation. Doctors who offer the surgeries are nothing short of scalpers in white lab coats, they argue…Further, there’s little proof of practitioners’ claims that the procedures enhance sexual sensitivity, critics say.”
Obviously, I agree with the critics. Why do we need a good-looking woo-woo. Isn’t it bad enough we are made to feel inadequate about our looks, ages and bodies? Look at the advertisements, billboards, magazines – it’s about youth and beauty. Men can have big bellies, be unkempt and let themselves go but women always have to be on their toes – or stilettos to impress men (another, but modern way to destroy our feet).
There’s the Barbie doll that so many generations of women have grown up with and tried to emulate. But even Barbie doesn’t concern herself about her such matters of private parts. She doesn’t even have a facsimile of one. But maybe that smooth, uncluttered crotch might have unconsciously, in part, influenced women and men.
I’m sure there are many men who would protest this new trend in trimming, evening and fixing vaginal discoloration. I’d love to know how many guys look down there. Even during oral sex while giving pleasure to his woman, he can’t be thinking, “Hmm, There are so many bumps, lumps and discoloration. I think she needs some work.” As for penetration… well, I’d say that’s where the uneven vaginas are a plus. Just think – a woman can be a walking French tickler.
Folks, I have to say I will not check myself out nor feel the least bit demeaned for having a mature woo-woo. I think most women and lots of men would laugh, as I did, at the notion of a symmetrical, wrinkle-free, near invisible vagina. Doesn’t anyone care about personality and individuality down there? Are we all supposed to look alike?
SexyG
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March 10, 2010
By The Sexy G.
Why is it so hard for us to make changes? We spend years setting our lives up to function in some sort of orderly fashion, at least some of us do. When we are forced to change it can be heart wrenching. We yearn to go back to an earlier period where we have a fantasy that we had arranged a more of less smooth daily routine. Often, thinking back soothes whether our perception of the past is accurate or not. Perhaps that’s where the saying comes from, “No new is good news.” But is it true?
In an online article, Overcoming People’s Fear of Change, from the ACA Group, they said, “From the executive summary: …Initially, people fear the change. This fear stems from the fact that humans have fear of the unknown. Systematically orienting people to the change and the reasons for the change forms one of the key activities for successful change management…”
Change management? Well, there’s a new concept for me. What are some of the life- changing events and transitions that can happen to a lot of us? Let’s start with the introduction of children. CHANGE! We have a fantasy how that should work, but the reality is, more times than not, different from what we imagined. We raise kids, love them and do our best to bring them up to be moral, good and independent.
What we don’t realize is how disruptive it can be to our lives. Of course, mothers are supposed to endure and make the changes and most of do in our own fashion. But what if your husband can’t? Men seem less adaptable in the domestic arena, mainly because they have been told that’s not really their domain – no matter what people say about the new, modern man. I have spoken to many women in the twenty-five to fifty age category and they assure me that little has changed. Today, there are many words that speak to this evolved person, but in actuality he is harder to find than most people think. Although, I’m the first one to say he does exist.
If a man shirks responsibility they know that there their mate will, of necessity, pick up the responsibility. What they don’t take into account is that their wives can no longer dote on them, give them unconditional love, or look at them with adoring eyes, especially a working mother. Then she’s staring at him in a daze with red eyes and thinking what a bastard he is for not helping more. Not good for their relationship and their sex life in particular. But life shifted and CHANGED and some can’t go with the flow!
There is another kind of transition. After years of social interaction or non-interaction a new personality may emerge. A shy person might become social and visa versa. Perhaps when a different person appears, deep inside that persona might have been buried until the right time and circumstances allowed it to be released, but nonetheless there is a CHANGE!
I’ve heard many women say they were rather shy early in life and through the first stages of marriage. As they got older they got bolder. CHANGE! As they got bolder their husbands retreated more. CHANGE!
There are work related changes – particularly retirement. Some folks yearn to retire, relax, enjoy life, and smell the roses, as they say. The reality is that they often get depressed upon retiring, some seriously. If a person’s ego was very tied up in a career there is a sudden unanticipated sensation of tremendous loss. The losses include one or a combination of the following; structured days, camaraderie, control, importance, maybe even an office romance or the adrenalin rush of flirting. If they don’t have a hobby or some activity that comes close to being as satisfying as previous careers they can be in deep psychological trouble. CHANGE!
As we get older, we may experience a role reversal with children. My own children now caution me to slow down, don’t run, be careful crossing streets, make sure your shoes have rubber soles for non-slippage, don’t drink too much (if they only knew) and don’t be walking Center City streets at night (again, if they only knew). CHANGE!!
Aging is perhaps one of the most dramatic of all CHANGES! My advice is to think about it as little as possible. Get on with life. Load yourself up with activities that you love. Age will just be a number – and tell yourself you don’t do numbers. I know it sounds trite, but I’m not kidding. CHANGE the way you view all the boxed in rules and regulations as it pertains to age. Nothing should be age-related, not dress, not appropriate language, not places to frequent (like happy hour), not neighborhoods – just go for it. Gnaw the bone of living, don’t chew politely and follow the rules. CHANGE!
In an online article in Psychology Information Online developed by Donald J. Franklin, Ph.D. entitled, Cognitive Therapy for Depression, it states in a Summary of Cognitive Psychotherapy Approach, “…But, the essence of cognitive therapy is the assumption that irrational thoughts and beliefs, overgeneralization of negative events, a pessimistic outlook on life a tendency to focus on problems and failures, and negative self assessment, as well as other cognitive distortions, promote the development of psychological problems, especially depression Psychologist use cognitive therapy to help you identify and understand how these cognitive distortions affect your life. Cognitive therapy helps you to change, so that these issues will not rule your life. If you are feeling overburdened, that life is not working for you, and you don’t know what to do next, talk to someone who can help, consult a psychologist.”
The above kind of thinking is exactly what keeps us from implementing change. We often walk the middle of the road because we fear we’ll wind up in an even bigger mess. Get creative. Go out and soak up as much information about what you want to or are faced with changing. Weigh in on whether there are more pluses than minuses, and if you’ve got a few more pluses – go out and seize the day – and night. Make friends with CHANGE!
SexyG
Wild River Review is a non-profit, independent publication and depends entirely on reader support and donations for funding.
To support our mission and passion for good storytelling, please help support my work and make a tax-deductible donation by clicking here: Wild River Donation.
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