I think practically every geographic area has its own personality. The East Coast seems hurried, business-like and the people, generally, cold and distant.  The heartland comes across in a down-home, country folksy manner. And then there is the South where hospitality and politeness reign (no matter what is seething beneath the surface). Of course, these are stereotypes, but I think it’s fair to generalize and say that each particular section of the country gives off an overall aura or a sense of communal mannerisms.

I’m in Malibu, California right now, visiting old friends. I needed a haircut and my friend took me to a terrific beauty parlor she highly recommended. When the beautician asked what I wanted, I told her I’d settle for long, straight, blonde hair and blue eyes. She said she could only handle the hair.

I wanted to stay in Malibu just a little longer, but I was asked to leave town because I have dark brown eyes and am a brunette and never owned nor do I now own a wet suit. (kidding, of course — but seriously, if they could, I get the sense they would).

Practically everyone here has a wet suit! Children as young as three have wet suits (they may own them at even younger ages, but I didn’t see that. I noticed a lot of young kids like to stick their tongues out at passing cars. Why they think this bothers the drivers is beyond me. Maybe it’s a catharsis for the children or maybe it’s a native greeting to tourists. At least, I didn’t see them throwing the rocks on the roadside that can be easily gathered at the foot of the cliffs.

Malibu is quite beautiful with sweeping views of the Pacific, a low mountain range, valleys and a gorgeous climate. It is stunning and gives a sense of freedom. You would expect that this exhilerating place gives people a feeling they are free to express themselves in many different ways. I don’t get that sense of free-will. I find the appearance of this luxurious life rather cookie-cutter and very constricted.

Go to a less expensive suburb and you find many of the same restriction, but on a smaller scale. Is this kind of communal control done because of insecurity? Do they need everyone to look and act the same in order to develop a sense of belonging? That way of living seems to be a suburban theme song no matter how gorgeous or unattractive the locale may be. Although people don’t look alike in most areas here most seem to have distinct similarities — pale skin (little to no tanning), heart-shaped faces, small noses, high cheek bones (excellent plastic surgeons abound), clear skin and trim bodies. And, as in other areas, there is an implied demand for everyone to conform to the unwritten rules of behavior and dress. So, what’s missing here? Diversity? I think so.

If you don’t have a panoramic view of the Pacific, then you make do with a snippet because you can still say you have an ocean view. If you can’t make that claim, you might be thought of as are poverty stricken even if your house costs a few million. An ocean view guides and misguides people.

Go into a snazzy restaurant in the evening and now you must wear a brilliantly white outfit to go with your blonde hair and blue eyes. Your clothing might appear casual, but the clothing you wear better come off as well selected and very expensive. You must be magnificently coiffed, even though it is a simple-looking style, or else you stand out like a sore thumb and everyone stares disdainfully. You cringe in a corner if you’ve dared to wear black. Casual but costly is the regulation mode of dress.

There are surfers galore here! When not at their jobs of hitting the beaches and waves, they might be seen wearing machine torn jeans of the hundred dollar and upward ilk and designer shirts. I wonder who supports these surfers and if no one, how do they survive? Is there a surfer fairy, like the tooth fairy, that puts money under pillows of those who have successfully ridden the crest of an enormous wave earlier in the day?

From time to time you see an aging surfer type (and, I stress, it is only an impression like everything else written) who has a specific look. He has perfectly cut white shoulder length-hair that is faintly tinted blonde. Also, he sports a very trim beard and has a sturdy build. This type walks around prominently so you can see he was once (or still might be) a surfer dude. Old surfer dudes better have gathered some money along the way because this place is very, very expensive.

All in all, I have to say Malibu is most seductive and the sheer physical beauty of the place is enchanting. I might turn into a beach bum at this rate! I could see it happening.

The sexy G                                                                            franuc@aol.com

It is the 4^th of July weekend, and I’m going to write about a subject that on the surface seems oddly funny, but underneath, I find scary because it is all too common.

There is an epidemic that seems to affect men more than women although women are not immune. What has society done to many men that makes them decide to sacrifice everything they worked hard to achieve in their careers and families for an unrealistic dream? It boggles the mind! Unfortunately, men are taught at a young age that sexual conquests and money are the epitome of success.

So, they marry and have families. Have they chosen a wife for convenience, practicality or were they in love until the first crisis. Is it too boring to raise a family? Not enough dazzle? Are men so easy flattered and addicted to testosterone pumps? For the most part, all a woman has to do is massage a male ego and you have them at your beck and call – oh, and mostly, the women they choose to cheat with are younger and look good by American standards, (but not necessarily).

It is so easy to capture a man by telling him he is the very best, the smartest, the greatest lover and whatever else you might want to throw in. Are men, by and large, emotionally trapped in a fifteen year-old mentality (or younger) when they were ruled by hormones? It is hard to believe, but the overall picture is there as proof.

My favorite columnist is Maureen Dowd who writes for The New York Times. Dowd wrote an article on June 28^th, 2009, called Genius in the Bottle. She is so very clever, humorous (sometimes appropriately biting), and insightful. I quote: “As in all great affairs, Mark Sanford fell in love simultaneously with a woman and himself – with the dashing new version of himself he saw in her molten eyes.”

Why are so many men so susceptible to those adoring black smoldering eyes, the baby blues, the hazels with soulful brown flecks, searing amber or freckled green? I suspect it is the adoration emanating from those eyes, sensuous body language, calculated words and deeds (like really good oral sex).

All of these terrific qualities can be had with spouses if the male put themselves smack in the middle of domestic life. I have often seen men run from that world and keep only a pretense of a happy family. Actually, many wives and partners are resentful of the mental detachment that occurs in their mates when children and home life become the epicenter.

To my way of thinking, a man must earn those goodies in order to retain romance. Remember, once you and mistress/girlfriend (whatever) become domesticated animals, the process starts over. Long term, even the most pliable mistress will begin to demand some participating responsibility. I can’t tell you how many times a man has complained about a second or third – even fourth marriage that started with hot romance and became tamed. Is it like work, fellows. Too bad all the good stuff in relationships don’t come with no-strings attached. And until you understand that, you’ll never be happy. A person can get addicted to the adrenaline surge that comes with the each new beginning romance. 

A man, as many politicians have shown, is often willing to lose the castle and all that goes with it, searching for the searing touch of another woman. He complains his wife no longer provides that thrill. The wife, whether she is working and domestically responsible, or at the top of the wealth strata, she is still part of the humdrum, every day scene. That includes money issues, raising children and making pressing decisions. The partner worries while the mistress is being cared for with little to no interference from daily living. She doesn’t have to worry about dirty laundry or budgets. Usually, her services are well paid for.

It is this other woman that provides the dream fantasy of perpetually iced champagne, violins behind the curtains and unconditional love whereas with his wife, he has to be accountable. Being accountable is the key phrase. With a mistress – maybe there is lots of phone sex, sexy e-mails, hot sex in bed – sex, sex, sex that says to him that she loves him. As you know from my other blogs, I think lovemaking is great but so much of it is psychological. If a man treats his wife like a non-entity, what kind of sex should he expect? Maybe he sets up a hostile atmosphere so he can go looking outside the marriage.

If he curtails his wife’s spending, but throws lots of money at his mistress, he is in essence paying to build the ego/sexual nirvana that allows him think (however short-lived) he’s arrived.

Continuing what Dowd said in the same article: “He wanted to get his girlfriend a DVD of the movie “The Holiday,” presumably the Cameron Diaz-Kate Winslet chick flick about two women, one from L.A. and one from England, who trade homes and lives. He was fantasizing about catapulting himself into an exotic life where stimulus had nothing to do with budgets.”

What do people think when the occasional woman does this. She’s deserting her children? She’s a slut? Irresponsible bitch? Many times a man is applauded for seeking his fantasy no matter what the cost. It’s all about growing up! Anything good comes at a cost and that includes a great relationship.

The Sexy G.                                                                      franuc@aol.com

 When we think about foreplay and eroticism, we think about touching there and how about there. Oh, yes, baby! Let’s get it on. But generally, men (and some women) tend to forget it’s a much longer, sensual process than that. I’ve talked to many women that are often left frustrated after sexual encounters even with long-term partners. There are so many nuances wrapped up in sexual experiences that can make it stunning or spell disaster to a relationship. If a couple comes to the act with hidden agendas that are not verbalized, the stage is set to not have your heart in it. How people make love tells reams about how they function in everyday living. 

A much younger, male friend reminded me that “…men are more into the physical and women into the build-up.” I had begun to believe that today, with all the in-your-face hype about sex, there would be no secret as to the glories of delectable, sensual foreplay. I would have sworn that wham-bam sex was definitely on the way out. Well, it’s not – at least according to many, many women I’ve spoken to of all ages.

I think of sex as more of a learning experience, each and every time. Spontaneity is fine, but not if it dispenses with the sensual foreplay. With some forethought, men and women benefit by experimentation and new discoveries. Go to your local bookstore and the shelves are filled with how-to-do-it-better books. Movies are replete with tender, exciting love scenes where couples virtually kiss every part of their oiled bodies before passionately devouring each other (I watch with my tongue hanging out).

Cleavage is everywhere. Tight skimpy clothing on men and women exudes sensuality. We see lots of skin, underwear and butt cracks. We are bombarded by sexuality at every turn. So why is there so much dissatisfaction inside the boudoir?  And what is the distinction between the sexual needs of men and women? It is inconceivable to me that with all they hype out there both genders are not on the same track.

In the book, The New Male Sexuality by the psychologist, Bernie Zilbergeld, PhD, (revised trade paperback edition, 1999), he said, “Nonetheless, we men have a lot to gain from taking greater control over our lives. We don’t have to be at the mercy of our genitals or hormones or traditional sex roles we were brought up on. We don’t have to forgo the incredible benefits of truly loving relationships. We don’t have to put up with boring, joyless, or dysfunctional sex.” In the 1970’s, Dr. Zilbergeld was one of the original directors of clinical training in the innovative Human Sexuality Program of the University of California at San Francisco Medical School.

Sometimes when I feel like a wisecracking jerk I’ll say something like, there are no frigid women, only bad lovers. Can this be true? I think it is in many instances. Many women complain that men are unwilling to participate in foreplay, and if they do, it is done in a short robotic manner. No fun, guys!

Listen up. You might like going right to the genitals from the get-go. It’s a definite no-no. That’s the last stage of heightened passion. So, too, the nipples on a woman’s breast are taboo for a period of time. Those little darlings tell you when they are ready – the stand up and become like smooth, little pebbles. For starters, kiss around them, gently massage her back, legs and hips and then on to the sides of her breasts. Run your hands over hips, shoulders and neck. Run your tongue down her spine, and press lightly on the tops of buttocks – and find things to laugh about, a real turn-on. Kissing the back, the neck, the crock of the arm, behind the knees is delectable. It’s about touching skin anywhere on the body, but avoiding the imperative areas for a while. It will arouse her and she’ll want to do the same for you and more. Bring anything you feel is erotic (not harmful to anyone, of course) and can be included as foreplay – massage oil, bubble bath anything you want including whipped cream.

There is a little known technique about tongues. When you get to the vital areas, if you gently flick your tongue over nipples or clitoris they are far more exciting than pressing hard. When she does reach orgasm, then a little more pressure is fine.

Foreplay can start over dinner, or some fun event during the day. Holding hands, a gentle kiss on the ear, whispering, laughing, complimenting are all wonderful ways to get started. Even something as simple as watching a video together is a playground for foreplay. Touch her ankle, her wrist and talk about the movie afterward. Get up and get her a beer or glass of wine and some appetizers. A man doing domestic tasks is really seductive.

When she talks, give her quality listening. Don’t sit there with your tongue hanging out until she shuts up so you can quickly jump her bones. There is so much to do that’s fun for both.

On the other hand, women are sometimes confounded by men who demonstrate sensitivity or show their female side although they say that’s what they are looking for. Yet, if he hides his sensitivity men become clueless and distanced, unable to understand what a women needs. Ladies, listen up! Look into yourself. For the most part, that sensitive male is going to please you much more than the macho guy. Also, tell him what you like when making love. Don’t be afraid of hurting his ego. You want that orgasm, too. This approach, for the most part, works better on sensitive men ready to please his woman.

I believe the lack of emotionality is at the center of difficulties between men and women. When not dealing on a psychological level, you are left with only the physical act. This invites women to fake an orgasm rather than deal with the issues, and dissatisfaction is in motion.

Anne Hooper’s book, Ultimate Sex (new edition, 2001), contains photographs and ideas that have been derived from the author’s experience as a sexual and marital therapist. In the book she said, “In an ideal world, men would recognize and be sensitive to the sexual needs of their partners and would do their best to ensure that these needs were met. But men are often unaware that their partners are not getting true sexual fulfillment. They don’t notice it, and their partners are too shy, or for some reason reluctant to raise the subject.”

I went to a bookstore and went to the section on erotica and sexuality. The illustrations, photographs and descriptions couldn’t be more graphic or explicit – and, to tell the truth, I found them exciting. There is stroking, touching, massaging, mutual masturbation, kissing areas of high arousal, a variety of positions, G spots, erogenous zones, oral sex, various positions and interesting points of penetration.

A common theme runs through many of the books on eroticism – releasing inhibitions and developing creativity in the bedroom. This happens more easily when you understand the basics, are willing to dig into the bedrock of your psyche and be concerned about your partner – that goes both ways. Then, the possibilities for pleasure are unlimited.

Therapists tell me that men frequently complain they don’t get enough sex. They become angry with their partners when their demands are not met. The word frigid comes up. The flip side is that women complain that men just want sex without even a how-do-you-do. Sometimes I wonder if men aren’t unconsciously defeating themselves by this attitude and don’t want sex as much as they claim they do. It’s a setup for rejection or indifference. If women give into this lackluster attitude to prevent confrontations, they become enablers. Both men and women need to earn precious moments of sizzling intimacy. How is this accomplished?

The solution seems so simple. Communication! Talk to each other! Why not read books on sex together just for the hell of it? The illustrations and photography are quite explicit and easy to understand.

Lovemaking is one of the most significant ways for adults to play. Make sex play dates with your mate. It’s perfectly fine to plan these sessions and not wait for spontaneity especially when lives are busy. Make it fun! DON’T, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, THRUST YOUR TONGUE DOWN HER THROAT ON THE FIRST KISS.

Anne Hooper in Ultimate Sex goes on to say, “Intimacy is a quality that grows through a sharing of feelings; it heightens all aspects of the relationship and is the main ingredient responsible for turning sex into an ecstatic experience as opposed to a pleasurable but uninspiring one.”

Men, if you accommodate the sexual needs of your partner you, too, will benefit. It extends the sex play so that it becomes a luscious event for both.

From the sexy G                                                                         franuc@aol.com

In The New York Times Book Review of June 21, 2009, Katie Roiphe wrote a review on a book called, A Vindication of Love, with a subtitle; Reclaiming Romance for the Twenty-First Century by Cristina Nehring (Harper/HarperCollins Publishers). In the article Roiphe said, “In her most provocative and interesting chapters, Nehring argues for the value of suffering, for the importance of failure. Our idea of a contented married ending is too cozy and tame for her.”

I interpret this to mean that chasing after the so-called happily ever after lifestyle is boring and uneventful. Nehring’s concept is unique in this era of self-help books giving us ways in which to find contentment, peace and harmony in relationships. 

Roiphe goes on in her book review to say, “Elsewhere, Nehring interrogates our steadfast insistence on balanced healthy relationships, our readiness to condemn doomed, impossible entanglements. She argues that it may in fact be a sign of health to enter into a relationship that is turbulent, demanding or unorthodox. She praises long-distance relationships, arduous relationships, relationships with men who are elusive, relationships the therapeutic culture adamantly opposes.”

In light of that, I have found that a large percentage of those relationships that appear to be in that boring mode of a steady routine and living contentedly is not necessarily true. What you see is not always what you get. There are many turbulent, demanding, phobic commitment people who are married! We just don’t see what’s going on behind closed doors. Women often hide the fact their husbands are having affairs or that they leave for periods of time or insist on taking separate vacations. I dare say, many of these women harbor anger and resentment or sometimes jump into an affair for revenge. The end result is that the anger uses huge resources of energy that depletes the mind and body.

In my opinion, there can be fun and excitement in a relationship that has found a level of contentment. Once the emotional turbulence is subdued, our good emotions can rise to the surface and play out in an uninhibited fashion. There’s lots of joy and adventure to be had once we are freed of the draining emotional burden of wanting to be with someone who is elusive, demanding or makes you feel lonely when you are together.

That level of demonized emotions, where I’m coming from, reduces the flow of creative juices. Too much time is concentrated on the topsy-turvy, unfulfilling relationship. Two people who respect, care and love in a harmonious relationship can be fiery, sensual, fun and allow each to open to new horizons for the other. That can be thrilling and ecstatic.

There’s another issue here. When two people work and must pay for things like shelter, food and braces for kids, they can’t afford the luxury of continent hopping or going to work emotionally and physically wiped out. For example, little pleasures that occur close to home are a blessing for many people and maybe comparable to another person’s hopping a jet plane to chase a defunct Russian prince. 

I liken this theory to the one we often hear about artists – that highly neurotic authors, musicians and others of similar ilk are the most creative. Sometimes there’s a perception that even doing drugs or alcohol opens the creative mind. But perhaps, on the flip side, if there were more stability in the lives of these types of artists, they might be more productive.

For myself, if I even have a glass of wine during the day, I immediately feel a deeper level in my thinking is momentarily lost. So the glass of wine is reserved for later in the evening when I’m not working. Perhaps that’s what’s happening with the addicted artists. The addiction of choice is put off until they are finished for the day. But it is much more dramatic to publicize that a work of art was composed during a cocaine trip.

I don’t mean to debunk Nehring’s theory and it can works for a lot of people. Each, in its own way, is cool. IWe have all experienced failures and agonize about them. It’s good to look at the upside of pain, demoralization and grief. We should try to learn to deal with losses and put aside the guilt and emotional debilitation that is often a component of failure. Society applauds success and makes us unhappy if we fail. It’s healthier to look at failure as a learning experience.

I don’t like living a cookie-cutter life either, but I’m coming from a place where I truly believe there can be electrified emotions and bliss within the framework of a harmonious relationship. It just needs attention and work.

The sexy G                                                                          franuc@aol.com

 There are many ways that men and women play passive/aggressive games with each other. I’ll speak from the woman’s perspective. You men out there can comment on how you think women behave in this capacity.

Over the years I’ve seen men behave with a seemingly pleasant demeanor on the surface, but detected a mean motivation beneath the words. I’ll give a few examples. Once at a party, a man kept complimenting me on a food item that I’d cooked. I thought his compliments were rather excessive – my cooking isn’t that good. I noticed his wife, a gourmet cook, giving me a dirty look. Then the man leaned over and whispered, “She hates when I compliment someone else.” And he actually giggled. Before I walked away I asked him why he did it if it hurt her. He dismissed me with the wave of his hand.

Another time, I went with a friend and another couple to a rather large home design show. When we got out of the car the husband, a total stranger to me, took my hand and pulled me inside to walk with him and view all the displays. He left his wife behind and never as much as said so long. I was most uncomfortable, and when I looked for his wife she wasn’t anywhere to be found. When we met up an hour or so later, she was furious at me. That’s where women are at fault. They need to look at their spouses as the perpetrators of such unpleasant behavior. (In the car she commented that I was so much older) 

Now, here’s what I see as the one of the worst results of this issue. A friend received a call from a gentlemen whom she hadn’t seen in a long time. They had previously gone out for a year and suddenly he had stopped calling. Now he told her he had missed her and very much regretted breaking off the relationship. He’d finally worked up the nerve to call, and she was ecstatic.

With regret that he hadn’t stayed the course with her, he promised that this was it forever and he knew they would be great together, and he would make her happy. He wanted to renew their relationship desperately. She had liked him very much, despite a sometimes chilly demeanor on his part. She dropped the guy she was dating although he seemed to have potential as a kind, loving man. She jumped head first into the new/old relationship and swore to him, at his insistence, it would be exclusive. He gave her the same promise.

Three months into their renewed love affair, he announced that he’d decided  he needed to date other women and was no longer interested in being committed. She was far too romantic for him. But that’s the way she had always been. Did he not know himself well enough to understand that he couldn’t handle commitment? Was he selfishly reacting to his momentary need and not thinking about the impact it would have on this woman’s life? Or did he simply lie? This behavior created a disruption to her life, and she lost the man who presented potential before the guy from the past appeared. She had to start the grueling dating process again. True, dating is a dice roll, but this lack of responsibility I find cruel.

She admitted she should have known better for, although the man was compelling in many ways, she put aside her suspicion that he was probably emotionally disconnected and she convinced herself that he had changed. His treatment of her appears to me an act of passive/aggressiveness, but, although she sensed this about him, she wanted to believe he had changed – often a woman’s dilemma. 

I strongly feel that there is little difference between men and women when it comes to romance, but men have been programmed to think of romance as a feminine trait or avoid it to punish a woman. It’s too bad many men can’t let loose and enjoy one of life’s great pleasures. But pleasure, of necessity, is a mutually shared quality. I wonder if that is at the crux of the problem. One must give up control in order to share fun.

Sex play prior and post is great and connects a man and a woman emotionally and physically. Is it too romantic for many men? Have so many men lost the ability to have fun? Society has greatly influenced men to be emotionally cut off, imbuing them instead with masculine qualities – sexual conquests, the accumulation of power and money and resistance to nurturing.

Or is it they can get away with bad lovemaking because women are afraid to confront them with suggestions for improvement, fearing that the slightest suggestion will drive their partners away. I’m sure most men know what’s involved in romance — we see it everywhere. But some might deliberately withold it for various reason. Passive/aggressive problems? Control? Maybe all of the above. 

Both men and women have romantic needs, but for many men the act of tenderness and gentleness carries the stigma of being pussy-whipped – a most ugly term. If they don’t need romance, then why write longing songs and poetry about it? Why do they feel loneliness and despair just like a woman?  

Does it take a really stable man to realize he has to put in effort and thought into the romance game to make it work well? Romancing can be a lot of fun for both. It’s not difficult and the payoff is great. All I ask of men is that they learn the rudiments of foreplay and lovemaking and be open to learning more. Okay? Okay!

The sexy G                                                                     franuc@aol.com

In all of my blogs, references to actual events have some reality basis but are fictionalized to make the point!

Romance creates different images for everyone. Some older women dismiss the very notion of getting involved in a relationship. They are through with sex and, in their minds, having a beau means being a caretaker to an elderly, sick man sooner or later – probably sooner. They might want to take into account that having a wonderful human connection may prolong good health.

Others still want to wear a thong under their clothing every day because they love the sensation of feeling sexy and, then again, you never know when you’ll get lucky. They have candles on the ready, lots of makeup, face creams, body oils, perfumes, wine and food recipes that are designed for romance. They are eager to experiment and look for adventure. So, we’ve got two ends of the spectrum.

Then we find the majority of older women who want companionship or are wired to believe we live in a couple’s kind of world. They have simpler needs and if a little sex is part of the bargain then they’re willing to give in a bit to have their emotional needs met, not necessarily out of desire. It’s a bargain of convenience.

Some mature women retain the image of their type of man that probably has its roots in the kind of attraction that was formed at a very young age – maybe as far back as adolescence or earlier. They don’t quite realize that their type is now in the body of a craggier, heavier, droopier, white-haired or bald man.

Sometimes a man understands the dating dance. If he is coming out of a long term-marriage (or otherwise) he might not remember, know or even want to be involved in a all that goes with a romantic escapade. He’s no longer the young man who once had the rhythm to love dances that was meant to captivate a woman. He’s stuck in his old habits.

As older women, we might want to renew what types we seek. It might do to look at them in the light of day. As one wise man said to me recently that if 75% of what we are looking for is there, that is a good score. As a matter of fact, I’d count 75% as 100%.

If our expectations are unrealistic we are in for a brutal time. At this stage of life, we don’t have the time or energy to waste bemoaning broken romances. That kind of agonizing is meant for younger people. They have time on their side and lots of resilience. Here’s where we older women must draw the line in our romantic pursuits. We need to look a little harder at potential mates and reevaluate old stereotypes from the past.

One of the main reasons most men don’t have to revive courtship skills is because at this advanced age there are so many women to choose from. Ten women to every one man? Twelve maybe? Many older men tend not to be very picky. Some are quite content if the woman doesn’t make demands of any kind. The one who gives them unconditional adoration and a good meal might be all he needs. Don’t forget that if she does most of the domestic chores he’s hit a home run.

Of course, there are a minority of men with a burning desire to capture or recapture that wonderful sizzle that comes from an open, honest, loving and caring togetherness. They still seek adventure and stimulating discoveries – both sensual and intellectual. These are the really cool older (and younger as well) guys. Maybe their numbers have dwindled, but they are not extinct!

A common complaint from women is that they often can’t reach a guy on a deeper level. He wants to keep things on an even keel and not get into too many discussions. For me, it comes down to men being emotionally cut off. They don’t seem to want to act on all the accoutrements that accompany romance. Maybe it starts hours before actual lovemaking. It might involve the touch on the cheek, holding hands, a gentle kiss on the lips, drinking wine, making dinner together, laughing, talking and perhaps a bath or shower together before falling into bed for the finale. Maybe it sounds good to them but they are unwilling to put in the effort.

I have said to groups of people how much I admire a man who wants to be friends first and would actually put off sex until that moment arrives when he feels he’s really connected with a woman. Both men and women laugh at me and say it is not possible to find that guy and some say women don’t even respect that. Even women who claim to want a sensitive man run the other way when they find one. These women, too, are products of our society that has encouraged men to be emotionally cut off. So, all things considered, it’s no wonder men fear showing women the tender side of themselves.

I quote from an article issued by: SYL Dating/SYL Articles/Personals/Dating issues/Mature dating issues, and entitled, “The Best Time of Your Life: Love, Sex and Mature Women, added 10/31/05. “Being a mature woman today in the dating game is not always easy. Although the mature woman still faces many challenges when it comes to love and sexuality, mature women today (for the sake of this discussion let’s place the break-off point at 48) have more options than ever. As the median lifespan for women continues to expand and our society becomes more open to the idea of women’s sexuality, mature women everywhere will hopefully begin to lead more satisfying and fulfilling lives.

“Although dating and sex is often viewed as aspects of life enjoyed primarily by the young, the truth is that most mature women find themselves in the best place in their lives to enjoy loving, sexually gratifying relationships.”

It’s all within the realm of possibility. We, as older women, might have to make adjustments, but we can retain the dream of the earth-shattering romance.

I do have one piece of advice for any man who is interested in dating. DON’T JAM YOUR TONGUE DOWN A WOMAN’S THROAT ON THE FIRST KISS. In general, they hate it. You’ve all heard of foreplay? Yes? It starts gently and then moves on to the tip of the tongue before progressing further. You are sending a message to a woman that you just don’t get it!

The Sexy G                                                                         franuc@aol.com

Technology is only as good as the people expediting the information. When it comes to apprehending criminals in something as serious as rape, it is vital for the information to be put out as quickly as possible in order to catch the criminal. Often, the DNA will match up with someone who is already on the books with a criminal record. Rapists often commit their crimes repeatedly. If there are big delays in sending out the results of a rape kit, it only allows a serial rapist the opportunity to continue to perpetrate his crimes on other victims.

In my last blog I quoted Solomon Moore of The New York Times who wrote an article October 25, 2008 entitled, Progress is Minimal in Clearing DNA Cases.

On April 30, 2009, op-ed columnist for The New York Times, Nicholas D. Kristof, wrote, what might be called, a complimentary article entitled: Is Rape Serious? In it he says; “When a woman reports a rape, her body is a crime scene. She is typically asked to undress over a large sheet of white paper to collect hairs or fibers and then her body is examined with an ultraviolet light, photographed and thoroughly swabbed for the rapist’s DNA.

“It’s a grueling and invasive process that can last four to six hours and produces a “rape kit” – which it turns out, often sits around for months or years, unopened and untested.”

My question is why in the world would the authorities go to such elaborate measures and then ignore the follow-up that is meant to locate and arrest the rapist.

As stated in the earlier blog, a great deal of money from the Federal government has been pumped into the states to speed up the process of using DNA to catch criminals. The majority of these cases are rape. With all that, you’d think the process would go so much faster. Not so.

In the same article as mentioned above, Kristof goes on to say, “Stunningly often, the rape kit isn’t tested at all because it’s not deemed a priority. If it is tested, this happens at such a lackadaisical pace that it may be a year or more before there are results (if expedited, results are technically possible in a week).

“So while we have breakthrough DNA technologies to find culprits and exculpate innocent suspects, we aren’t using them properly – and those who work in this field believe the reason is an underlying doubt about the seriousness of some rape cases. In short, this isn’t justice; it’s indifference.”

How can anyone think that rape is not a serious crime? For the women who have been raped, this is a horrific trauma that may haunt them for the rest of their lives. It is a violation of mind, body and spirit – something that often never heals. If you are a man, picture a woman or female child you love being raped, and sometimes beaten as well. It is an act of extreme violence.

Police authorities are male dominated. I have to wonder if that doesn’t have something to do with the seeming indifference toward rape. It is incredible to me that anyone would not consider rape a priority. Is there a conscious, semi-conscious or unconscious hostility toward women in many men? Because it is politically incorrect to demean woman, I believe these long-standing sentiments have gone underground and then manifests in passive/aggressive behavior toward vital women’s issues – especially rape. In any case we must take this anger out in the open and get it back into center stage so that it can be dealt with more rationally. We must eradicate this terrible divide between the sexes and reduce the continuing need to dominate and belittle women’s issues.

With this factor looming over male/female relationships, how can we expect to achieve the love we all seem to seek? We’re chasing our tails if much of the hostility that existed in the past has gone into hiding but continues to persist in attitudes toward rape and other major female societal problem. I’ve tried to address many women’s issues such as maintaining a glass ceiling in areas such as math/sciences, business, medicine and law. What is generally missed is that all of these buried attitudes affect an open meeting of the minds between men and women and ultimately impacts romance.

To the men, I ask you to consider certain concerns. Try to empathize. I ask you to put yourself in a woman’s position. I am convinced that if men had babies we’d have the most wonderful anesthesia that would not harm the infants and removed every trace of pain from the very first minor labor cramp. It isn’t beyond believing that if there were no such anesthesia and men did have the babies that would be the end of the human race because abortion would be a sacrament.

If men had to have their testicles examined like women do with mammography they would invent a wand that passes painlessly over the area to be diagnosed. If a man was forced to be a woman for a period of time, there would be a wonderfully potent aphrodisiac invented that was comparable to Viagra or better.

There is a paragraph in Kristof’s article that I find chilling: “Some Americans used to argue that it was impossible to rape an unwilling woman. Few people say that today, or say publicly that a woman “asked for it” if she wore a short skirt. But the refusal to test rape kits seems a throwback to the same antediluvian skepticism about rape as a traumatic crime.”

Impossible to rape an unwilling woman? How about a 200 pound man overpowering a woman who weighs well under that? How about a knife at your throat or a gun to your head, or a threat to your family? How could anyone have thought such drivel?

Guys, listen up for the sake of having better relationships with women. We don’t want to be angry at you for dismissing our needs nor is it fun for you to carry all that hostility around with you. We really want to stand by your side as equals so that we can love you and have you love us. The best relationships are where men equally participate with their partners and are tender, caring and understand the problems they face. It is then easy to love you back with all our hearts. That’s what love is about. Get it?

The sexy G franuc@aol.com

A good friend of mine gave me a book entitled, French Women Don’t Sleep Alone, by Jamie Cat Callan, Kensington Publishing Corp, 20009. Callan discovered how French woman approach the art of dating/flirting. She traveled through France, interviewing French women. Much of it makes sense, but I had problems with a few other issues presented in the book. The main grip is that most of the responsibility is put on the woman to snag a man. Well, that’s not so unusual. Many publications put the responsibility for catching and keeping a man on the woman.  

Many of her discoveries about French women and how they conduct their social/love lives seem quite sensible, especially when she dispels the myth that French women accept their husband’s infidelities and don’t make a big deal about it. She discovered that is not true. Paraphrasing, she said they are, not unlike American woman, not at all happy with that type of behavior. Hooray for the honesty.

Here is something Callan uncovered that bothers me “By building a coterie, the French woman creates a protective, yet ultimately porous, fence around her heart. This way, the man who is truly interested in her must work a little harder to seduce her. But because there are other men (and women) around her—remember, she mostly goes out in groups – it’s not so easy to see her alone. The man who wants to pursue the French woman is tested in a way. He must wait, he must made advances when there is an opportunity, he must be very patient, and yes, he must compete for her attentions.”

In my mind, it is akin to game-playing. It seems to me it sets the stage for extreme competition. Dating becomes an intense game and to the victor goes the spoils. So, after all that sweat and work, what happens when the man wins? When he has the woman completely entranced does he exhibit unconscious anger for being put in that position? Does he give mixed signals or get bored after finally making the conquest? I’ve seen that enough times – too many to count.

In the book, Callan suggests that French men might do things when pursuing a woman such as reading a book he knows she’s interested in or suggesting a film he knows she wants to see. I think it’s great. Each should do that for the other, especially if they share some of the same interests. But if he does it just to seduce her that can be trouble. They might not actually share the same interests and so when they become an item, they may be on different tracks and wind up feeling duped. Too many unconscious resentments may develop that can manifest in misplaced anger.

Callan does speak about French women being, generally, confident and with a good understanding of themselves. That to me should be a given for women globally and something everyone should strive for.

Another point she states: “French women very seldom become involved with a man that they don’t really know. French women often meet men through their family and friends. Many meet early on in school or university. Later they will meet through social clubs, mutual interests, travel, at parties (lots of parties), art openings and film clubs, oh and yes, at their jobs. However, rather than immediately focusing in on the one man of her dreams, the French woman will take her time and get to know several men. She will not reveal her availability right away—married/single/divorced/with boyfriend/without boyfriend/with boyfriend, but relationship on the rocks, etc. Rather, she will subtly flirt—mostly with her eyes and a subtle smile – and see how the man responds.”

I like the part where it’s suggested that one should know a man well before romance blossoms and it’s good to be involved in many activities where you can meet people of like interests. The French appear to disparage the one-on-one date. But, there are other issues in that paragraph I find disturbing. To me, not being upfront about one’s dating/marital status is deception by omission. When a woman is flirting or displaying interest in a man and she might have a partner lurking in the background, I find that unfair. Suppose the man she is flirting with is smitten with her, and she is married or has a boyfriend. Don’t we berate men for going into bars after having removed their wedding bands?

Hey, I agree with the notion that skirts with boots and/or a little cleavage or bare calves are seductive. As for using lotions and creams – yes, I agree, and the same for sexy lingerie. It helps her exude an aura of someone special and feminine. She will feel good about herself.

But when it comes to relationships, I think it must start with honesty from the get-go. Each must inform the other party of their marriage/dating/other relationship status. To do otherwise, is what causes men to accuse women of luring them and then dashing their hopes against the rocks – when it suits them. I would hope we live in an era when that kind of game-playing has essentially ended.

In my opinion, how can you trust someone who lied by omission and enticed you into thinking you had a chance for romance? Even if the man she chooses to flirt with happens to become her lover down the line, will he ever trust her again if she initially didn’t tell him her status?

Flirting is fine, but if you’re doing it with one guy to make the man you’re really interested in jealous, well, that doesn’t fly with me. As far as I’m concerned, it’s plain old manipulation. I see straight, upfront honesty to be the best policy whether you choose the one-on-one dating or the coterie approach.

 The Sexy G                                                                   franuc@aol.com

Not that long ago, I watched women in a roller derby with a guy friend, and he was absolutely disgusted by seeing the women on skates being so aggressive. And women with tattoos? Heaven forbid. There are even men who object to women drinking beer from a bottle. What? 

Then there are the non-too subtle messages sent out to women from some lofty male figures that they are simply not as smart as men in many areas of life. Some statements are mind-blowing disrespectful.

Lawrence H. Summers, former president of Harvard University was featured in an article published in The Boston Globe and written by Marcella Bombardieri, Globe Staff, January 17, 2005. The article was written in response to statements Summers made and she said: “The setting was a two-day conference at the economic research bureau, a group in Cambridge whose members include economists from all over the country. The conference, on women and minorities in the science and engineering workforce, was a private, invitation-only event, with about 50 attendees.”

Bombardieri also said: “The president of Harvard University, Lawrence H. Summers, sparked an uproar at an academic conference Friday when he said that innate differences between men and women might be one reason fewer women succeed in science and math careers. Summers also questioned how much of a role discrimination plays in the dearth of female professors in science and engineering at elite universities.”

Perhaps Summers might want to read my blogs (doubtful) and look at the research that supports the insidious, underlying gender discrimination that starts in infancy and ultimately prevents many women in a myriad of professions to break through the prejudice. When people say women are not willing to work the number of hours men do, I have to ask them how do you think men can do that? In all probability there is a woman behind him, most likely a wife working full-time, running the household, taking care of domestic responsibilities and mostly raising the children. That easily explains how males are able to put the time into their careers with little outside interference or distractions.

Bombardieri, continued in the article: “However, the problem of women in academia is one that Summers is confronting in his role as university president. The percentage of tenured job offers made to women by the university’s Faculty of Arts and Sciences has dropped dramatically since Summers took office, prompting vigorous complaints from many of Harvard’s senior female professors.”

I’m seeing a contradiction here. One the one hand, there is doubt that gender discrimination might play a role in the dearth of female professors in science and engineering but the flip side says there a dramatic drop in the percentage of tenured jobs offered to women by the university’s Faculty of Arts and Sciences since Summers took office. I’m confused!!!

She goes on to say: “Summers has called last year’s results, when only 32 tenured job offers went to women, unacceptable and promised to work on the problem. However, some Harvard professors have questioned his commitment to the issue.”

Now, let’s go on to another male who demeaned females and also their racial background. Don Imus is reported to have made a reference to Rutgers women’s basketball team, calling them “Nappy-headed hos.” That was said the day after the team competed in the NCAA championship game. These women are reported to be of high intellect as well as excellent athletes. I am not a fan of spectator sports, but I do not ever recall a commentator making personal derogatory statements about an entire male team on national radio or TV. They comment about the execution of a game or the ability or lack of talent concerning an individual, but I doubt they indicted an entire team with irrelevant, nasty slurs .

So, what’s happening here? Is there a deep-rooted need within most men to keep women as second class citizens, trying hard to prevent them from excelling in math, science, engineering and athletics? Why aren’t women athletes elevated and put in the same category as men? I myself have heard men say they’d rather watch a male basketball game rather than a women’s team. On the other hand, the same men love watching females play professional tennis. Could it possibly be the short skirts that show panties in a good wind and a little bit of cleavage for some? They never mind watching the good looking cheerleaders.   

In USA Today, Sports, updated on 4/11/2007, Christine Brennan wrote an article called, Keeping Score. Here’s an excerpt from the article that I thought pertinent:

“In the Imus case, the racial component has helped give voice to the gender issue: The fact that the nation’s No. 2 basketball team has been treated with such utter disregard by a national media powerhouse, Imus thrives in a male-dominated, trash-talking world, where it’s often open season on women. While Imus uttered repulsive words that others certainly would not use, let’s not kid ourselves. On every college campus, there’s a male athlete or coach who under his breath has made fun of a female athlete in the last week or two, guaranteed.”

To me, this kind of talk and behavior whether joking or serious is dangerous. It starts with very, very young children and continues unabated into adulthood. Some may laugh it off, but it terrifies me. I have to wonder if the demeaning and smug snickering that belittles women ultimately incites some men to commit violence, rape and abuses. This insidious disdain society demonstrates against females is destructive and, in my mind, contributes to the very high divorce rate. There seems to be a somewhat hidden, but very real disregard for women as equals. More to come in my next blog. In the meantime, let’s unite and try to wipe out every shred of gender inequity.  

The sexy G                                                                 franuc@aol.com

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