So now, on to a more or less, less pleasant subject: The economy.

Once again, I write: Holy. Shit.

How can I write about anything else (okay, there is some stuff on PTA Palin below, but wait for it…). HELLO AMERICAN GOVERNMENT. IF YOU”RE LISTENING? UH, I’LL TAKE CARE OF BEING “IN CRISIS.” K? YOU JUST KEEP THE FINANCIAL BALL ROLLING. (Sheesh, can’t anybody be original anymore?)

Truth be told, I don’t think I’ve been in crisis more, thanks to the banking crisis, superceded by the Sarah Palin crisis (wait for it), superceded by the I-can’t-lose-weight-by-decomposing crisis, followed by the why-does-my-husband’s-ex-suck crisis, followed by a whole slew of too many others to list here.

Which all leads me to believe that being in crisis is one of the things I’m really good at – which leads me to a whole other kind of crisis, which I won’t get into here.

What I will say is that, even though our financial outlook is about as promising as a midget getting over a mountain without the help of some sort of therapeutic lift or automation, I feel that my husband and I are uniquely equipped to deal with it. That’s because (are you ready): We got nothing.

That’s right. Absolutely nothing. No pension. No massive investments. No windfall in the offing.

And like a told a group of freelancers many years ago, when I lectured them on how to be successfully in business and was asked what to do with any assets: “Sometimes, it’s best just not to have any.”

Now don’t get me wrong. We don’t live on skid row. We’re not in the bread line. And we do have a lovely house, a few nice new cars, some semblance of jobs, and enough in an IRA to put a pool and Jacuzzi in the backyard (would the homeowners’ association allow it). But comparably speaking: We’re tapped.

So while I am anxious—and while I know it’s not the best time to be a freelancer (full-time job offers, send them here!)—I am also bathed in a weird kind of relief that when you’re as high and light as a pair of UGG boots from last season, you don’t have too far or hard to fall.

And with that said, tonight, I’m going to put the cash in my wallet ($46) and the 12 pairs of Gap body black stretch pants I have in my closet (priceless) under my mattress (next to the hardened pea I keep there just to see…) for safekeeping.

I suspect I won’t be alone.

———————————————————————–

And now, a word about Sarah Palin: Did you see last night’s .1 nanosecond clip of her meeting with some world leader wearing the same kind of scarf around his head that got Rachael Ray clipped in a Dunkin’ Donuts ad?

If I recall correctly (I saw the clip as I was nodding out at my usual bedtime of 7:12 p.m. – middle age isn’t pretty), she was leaning in to him real close, asking about his son, and listening to his answer as if she were viewing floral arrangements with Bristol’s wedding planner.

You know, nails close to her teeth, eyebrows up in anticipation, pony tail trying to be a sophisticated Steel Magnolia-type-outdated updo but yet not cutting it. The world leader didn’t know what the heck to do with her. He almost looked like he was holding back hysterics (think Harvey Korman and Tim Conway on the old Carol Burnett show).

I gotta tell you, although I was on the fringe of REM sleep, I was hyperconscious enough to feel slightly mortified. It was embarrassing and uncomfortable to watch, much in the way it would be to see your Jewish mother on the news, wiping a piece of roasted chicken off the twisted cheek of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

See, here’s the deal: I can appreciate a good hockey mom who cares about families. And I have all the respect in the world for those PTA moms. Why, there are days I mourn not being one of them. But that doesn’t mean I want one running my country.

You know?

——————————————————————-

To all of this I say: Why are we not, also, as a nation, outraged by how the McCain campaign is hiding Sarah Palin?

She’s running to be a heartbeat away from the presidency and yet we can’t see her, talk to her, report on her—or enjoy the normal checks and balances of the press that should not only be allowed but encouraged when we’re looking to elect a new leader of the free world.

Folks, this is not just a nice-to-have, it’s a NEED-TO-HAVE. And yet, the GOP is treating us like we’re a bunch of horny peeping Toms.

You’d think their obvious attempts to shield her from the media because they KNOW she’ll inevitably say something that’s smacks of anything but vice presidential would make more people just plain ol’ pissed. And yet, she still enjoys (at least as of this morning) a 52 percent approval rating.

Are you kidding me?

See, this is why I’m so depressed. Because once you lose the foundation of cause and effect (C&A), you’ve got nothing. Seriously. Oh, I know people say it’s your health. And sure, that’s important. But if you can’t count on the fact that inciting lockjaw on the person running to be vice president will lead to lower approval ratings by the people charged to elect her, than what can you count on? Preventive medicine?

I don’t know what I’m saying. This is what happens when C&A (not to be confused with T&A) is pulled out from under you like a rug and Cris Angel all in one elevator.

  Share

So now, on to a more or less, less pleasant subject: The economy.

Once again, I write: Holy. Shit.

How can I write about anything else (okay, there is some stuff on PTA Palin below, but wait for it…). HELLO AMERICAN GOVERNMENT. IF YOU”RE LISTENING? UH, I’LL TAKE CARE OF BEING “IN CRISIS.” K? YOU JUST KEEP THE FINANCIAL BALL ROLLING. (Sheesh, can’t anybody be original anymore?)

Truth be told, I don’t think I’ve been in crisis more, thanks to the banking crisis, superceded by the Sarah Palin crisis (wait for it), superceded by the I-can’t-lose-weight-by-decomposing crisis, followed by the why-does-my-husband’s-ex-suck crisis, followed by a whole slew of too many others to list here.

Which all leads me to believe that being in crisis is one of the things I’m really good at – which leads me to a whole other kind of crisis, which I won’t get into here.

What I will say is that, even though our financial outlook is about as promising as a midget getting over a mountain without the help of some sort of therapeutic lift or automation, I feel that my husband and I are uniquely equipped to deal with it. That’s because (are you ready): We got nothing.

That’s right. Absolutely nothing. No pension. No massive investments. No windfall in the offing.

And like a told a group of freelancers many years ago, when I lectured them on how to be successfully in business and was asked what to do with any assets: “Sometimes, it’s best just not to have any.”

Now don’t get me wrong. We don’t live on skid row. We’re not in the bread line. And we do have a lovely house, a few nice new cars, some semblance of jobs, and enough in an IRA to put a pool and Jacuzzi in the backyard (would the homeowners’ association allow it). But comparably speaking: We’re tapped.

So while I am anxious—and while I know it’s not the best time to be a freelancer (full-time job offers, send them here!)—I am also bathed in a weird kind of relief that when you’re as high and light as a pair of UGG boots from last season, you don’t have too far or hard to fall.

And with that said, tonight, I’m going to put the cash in my wallet ($46) and the 12 pairs of Gap body black stretch pants I have in my closet (priceless) under my mattress (next to the hardened pea I keep there just to see…) for safekeeping.

I suspect I won’t be alone.

———————————————————————–

And now, a word about Sarah Palin: Did you see last night’s .1 nanosecond clip of her meeting with some world leader wearing the same kind of scarf around his head that got Rachael Ray clipped in a Dunkin’ Donuts ad?

If I recall correctly (I saw the clip as I was nodding out at my usual bedtime of 7:12 p.m. – middle age isn’t pretty), she was leaning in to him real close, asking about his son, and listening to his answer as if she were viewing floral arrangements with Bristol’s wedding planner.

You know, nails close to her teeth, eyebrows up in anticipation, pony tail trying to be a sophisticated Steel Magnolia-type-outdated updo but yet not cutting it. The world leader didn’t know what the heck to do with her. He almost looked like he was holding back hysterics (think Harvey Korman and Tim Conway on the old Carol Burnett show).

I gotta tell you, although I was on the fringe of REM sleep, I was hyperconscious enough to feel slightly mortified. It was embarrassing and uncomfortable to watch, much in the way it would be to see your Jewish mother on the news, wiping a piece of roasted chicken off the twisted cheek of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

See, here’s the deal: I can appreciate a good hockey mom who cares about families. And I have all the respect in the world for those PTA moms. Why, there are days I mourn not being one of them. But that doesn’t mean I want one running my country.

You know?

——————————————————————-

To all of this I say: Why are we not, also, as a nation, outraged by how the McCain campaign is hiding Sarah Palin?

She’s running to be a heartbeat away from the presidency and yet we can’t see her, talk to her, report on her—or enjoy the normal checks and balances of the press that should not only be allowed but encouraged when we’re looking to elect a new leader of the free world.

Folks, this is not just a nice-to-have, it’s a NEED-TO-HAVE. And yet, the GOP is treating us like we’re a bunch of horny peeping Toms.

You’d think their obvious attempts to shield her from the media because they KNOW she’ll inevitably say something that’s smacks of anything but vice presidential would make more people just plain ol’ pissed. And yet, she still enjoys (at least as of this morning) a 52 percent approval rating.

Are you kidding me?

See, this is why I’m so depressed. Because once you lose the foundation of cause and effect (C&A), you’ve got nothing. Seriously. Oh, I know people say it’s your health. And sure, that’s important. But if you can’t count on the fact that inciting lockjaw on the person running to be vice president will lead to lower approval ratings by the people charged to elect her, than what can you count on? Preventive medicine?

I don’t know what I’m saying. This is what happens when C&A (not to be confused with T&A) is pulled out from under you like a rug and Cris Angel all in one elevator.

  Share

I woke up this morning to some heart-pounding news: There’s been a new bounce in the polls and, thanks to his new running mate Governor Sarah Palin, John McCain is in the lead.

Now, I’m not a political junkie and I’m far from an expert. I’m sure that if we sat down and had dinner, you could reel off more political facts and figures in an hour than I could buy shoes (which is a lot, trust me).

But I do think I am representative of at least a Macy’s-mailing-list worth of middle-aged women (especially those Hillary democrats) and I am terrified at the prospect of Sarah Palin, let alone John McCain, in the White House.

To put it bluntly: Holy. Shit.

Never mind John McCain’s disregard and irresponsibility for what should happen to the rest of us, should he kick off and leave us with a woman who isn’t even ready for a prime-time interview let alone the role of commander and chief of the free world.

And never mind that he’s using this woman as a political tool (because if she were a man, he’d still be reformer-minded, hockey-daddin’, fly-fishin’, gun-totin’, and moose-skinnin’ in anonymity…) simply because she has two budding breasts and a vagina.

Because if that’s the only criteria these days for vice president, I’d like to nominate either my 10-year-old stepdaughter (who excels at not taking “no” for an answer) or my best friend Lorrie (the skinny bitch who, I’m sure, would look fabulous sporting an Oozie or AK–47 or anything, for that matter, in gunmetal).

Does John McCain think that just because he’s added a woman to the ticket, all the disgruntled Hillary Democrats are going to morph into Republicans? Because we’re not Stepford Wives, you know.

Hillary was a smart, experienced, articulate, and astute politician whose passions and beliefs happened to resonate with us—and who also happened to be a woman. That’s why we liked her. Not because we bend and flex like a Trojan condom at any fresh new scent of estrogen.

And while a good scent may help (the oh-so-arrogant) Palin when she’s huntin’ down a critter—or looking for scary books by rebellious minds (that means you, William Shakespeare and, oh the horror, Judy Blume) to ban, public servants to fire on behalf of jilted friends and family, or new ways to promote the soulless title of “Sarah Barracuda”—it simply doesn’t work for those of us who, in addition to having yammies and v-gi’s, also have a few tickers in the ol’ noggin.

——————————————

Suffice to say, when I ask any of my friends how they feel about Sarah Palin, their one-word answer is always the same: SCARYSCARYSCARYSCARYSCARYSCARYSCARY.

And, I’m not talking “Oh-my-gosh-I-can’t-get-on-the-scale-this-week” scary. Or the Jaws-inspired theme-song scary you hear in your head when you get pulled over for cruising through a stop sign (although I’m not talking from personal experience).

I’m talking Freddie-Krueger-on-heroin scary. Jack Nicholson-in-The-Shining-wearing-an -IED-device scary. Al-Roker-in-a-hot-pink-spandex-jumpsuit-before-gastric-bypass-with-a-microphone-and-a-bottle-of-silly-string scary.

S.c.a.r.y.

And, from the looks of it, my friends are not alone. Why just yesterday on Good Morning America, a reporter interviewed the “Elite 6” – a group of Palin’s “girlfriends.” (Hey, could she also be a philandering lesbian? Not that there’s anything wrong with that. And, if so, are lesbians allowed to believe in creationism?)

Surprisingly, most of them were pro-choice. Not surprisingly, most also seemed extremely uncomfortable talking about Palin beyond hoping she’ll make it to their annual Christmas ornament thing-a-ma-jigger. “We told her she has to be there. No excuses.” (Aw, she is just like us.)

That was about as committed to anything regarding Palin they’d get, save one (who looked slightly pathological anyway – and sadly, I know all too well what that looks like).

The irony is McCain knows that Palin is more dangerous than just an evangelical’s wet dream and a cheap political ploy. Why else would he keep her away from going one-on-one with the mainstream political media? Because he’s trying to build mystery and intrigue?

I suspect he’d no sooner see her interviewed on Sunday morning television than I’d like my husband’s ex-wife to move into our spare bedroom.

And Gibson? He gets the first interview? Don’t get me wrong, I like Charlie a lot, but is that really the best decision?  Don’t the smarties in the back of Mac’s bus think more people would like to see the “hottest governor from the coldest state” romp in a pile of warm mud with Katie Couric and, perhaps, Ann and Nancy Wilson? (Who, by the way, are suing the McCain campaign for using the song “Barracuda” at the whitey fest without their permission.)  

Now, that would be smart campaigning.

———————————

And still, despite all this good wishin’, at the end of the day, when I see how more and more people give her higher and higher approval ratings, I have to ask: Am I swimming in a sea of fools?

Am I the only one who has been living in the polluted backwash of George Bush’s eight years of garbage politics?

Am I the only want who longs for something different?

When I first learned of McCain’s choice, I thought: “Yipppeeee!!! He’s just GIVIN it to us.” I saw it as an act of desperation. An easy victory. After all, who’s gonna buy this chick?

And then, the gap started to narrow. And the collective drool started to fall from the GOP’s mouths like cool icicles at the base of a glacier after a storm of hail and locusts.

Boy was I stupid.

Now, it seems every day I ask my incredibly wise and super hot husband: How can this race be so close, given McCain’s ties to Bush and Palin’s hypocrisy and inexperience and the past eight years and two senseless wars and too many foreclosures and this crappy-ass economy and they want to overturn Roe v. Wade and the dangers to our daughters and we pay too much for gas and nobody’s thinking about healthcare for everyone and how will we retire or recoup the investment in our house or switch careers and get new jobs if we want them and stop relying on arabs for oil and build wind whatevers and solar whatevers and thermal whatevers and return to being the great nation we used to be with great leadership and where has that been most of all?

I need to know: How can McCain race ahead by simply putting a hot mama on his ticket–one who promises to do great things for the eyeglass business, but set back the women’s movement by centuries?

Is it that we really do live in a racist society and more people than not are unwilling to vote for a black man? Or, is it that we’re so blinded by a woman’s persuasion and good looks that we’ll take whatever she stands for, even if it’s s.c.a.r.y?

Well, that’s it. That’s all I got. (I’m trying to come out of my shell.)

Until next time.

  Share

I woke up this morning to some heart-pounding news: There’s been a new bounce in the polls and, thanks to his new running mate Governor Sarah Palin, John McCain is in the lead.

Now, I’m not a political junkie and I’m far from an expert. I’m sure that if we sat down and had dinner, you could reel off more political facts and figures in an hour than I could buy shoes (which is a lot, trust me).

But I do think I am representative of at least a Macy’s-mailing-list worth of middle-aged women (especially those Hillary democrats) and I am terrified at the prospect of Sarah Palin, let alone John McCain, in the White House.

To put it bluntly: Holy. Shit.

Never mind John McCain’s disregard and irresponsibility for what should happen to the rest of us, should he kick off and leave us with a woman who isn’t even ready for a prime-time interview let alone the role of commander and chief of the free world.

And never mind that he’s using this woman as a political tool (because if she were a man, he’d still be reformer-minded, hockey-daddin’, fly-fishin’, gun-totin’, and moose-skinnin’ in anonymity…) simply because she has two budding breasts and a vagina.

Because if that’s the only criteria these days for vice president, I’d like to nominate either my 10-year-old stepdaughter (who excels at not taking “no” for an answer) or my best friend Lorrie (the skinny bitch who, I’m sure, would look fabulous sporting an Oozie or AK–47 or anything, for that matter, in gunmetal).

Does John McCain think that just because he’s added a woman to the ticket, all the disgruntled Hillary Democrats are going to morph into Republicans? Because we’re not Stepford Wives, you know.

Hillary was a smart, experienced, articulate, and astute politician whose passions and beliefs happened to resonate with us—and who also happened to be a woman. That’s why we liked her. Not because we bend and flex like a Trojan condom at any fresh new scent of estrogen.

And while a good scent may help (the oh-so-arrogant) Palin when she’s huntin’ down a critter—or looking for scary books by rebellious minds (that means you, William Shakespeare and, oh the horror, Judy Blume) to ban, public servants to fire on behalf of jilted friends and family, or new ways to promote the soulless title of “Sarah Barracuda”—it simply doesn’t work for those of us who, in addition to having yammies and v-gi’s, also have a few tickers in the ol’ noggin.

——————————————

Suffice to say, when I ask any of my friends how they feel about Sarah Palin, their one-word answer is always the same: SCARYSCARYSCARYSCARYSCARYSCARYSCARY.

And, I’m not talking “Oh-my-gosh-I-can’t-get-on-the-scale-this-week” scary. Or the Jaws-inspired theme-song scary you hear in your head when you get pulled over for cruising through a stop sign (although I’m not talking from personal experience).

I’m talking Freddie-Krueger-on-heroin scary. Jack Nicholson-in-The-Shining-wearing-an -IED-device scary. Al-Roker-in-a-hot-pink-spandex-jumpsuit-before-gastric-bypass-with-a-microphone-and-a-bottle-of-silly-string scary.

S.c.a.r.y.

And, from the looks of it, my friends are not alone. Why just yesterday on Good Morning America, a reporter interviewed the “Elite 6” – a group of Palin’s “girlfriends.” (Hey, could she also be a philandering lesbian? Not that there’s anything wrong with that. And, if so, are lesbians allowed to believe in creationism?)

Surprisingly, most of them were pro-choice. Not surprisingly, most also seemed extremely uncomfortable talking about Palin beyond hoping she’ll make it to their annual Christmas ornament thing-a-ma-jigger. “We told her she has to be there. No excuses.” (Aw, she is just like us.)

That was about as committed to anything regarding Palin they’d get, save one (who looked slightly pathological anyway – and sadly, I know all too well what that looks like).

The irony is McCain knows that Palin is more dangerous than just an evangelical’s wet dream and a cheap political ploy. Why else would he keep her away from going one-on-one with the mainstream political media? Because he’s trying to build mystery and intrigue?

I suspect he’d no sooner see her interviewed on Sunday morning television than I’d like my husband’s ex-wife to move into our spare bedroom.

And Gibson? He gets the first interview? Don’t get me wrong, I like Charlie a lot, but is that really the best decision?  Don’t the smarties in the back of Mac’s bus think more people would like to see the “hottest governor from the coldest state” romp in a pile of warm mud with Katie Couric and, perhaps, Ann and Nancy Wilson? (Who, by the way, are suing the McCain campaign for using the song “Barracuda” at the whitey fest without their permission.)  

Now, that would be smart campaigning.

———————————

And still, despite all this good wishin’, at the end of the day, when I see how more and more people give her higher and higher approval ratings, I have to ask: Am I swimming in a sea of fools?

Am I the only one who has been living in the polluted backwash of George Bush’s eight years of garbage politics?

Am I the only want who longs for something different?

When I first learned of McCain’s choice, I thought: “Yipppeeee!!! He’s just GIVIN it to us.” I saw it as an act of desperation. An easy victory. After all, who’s gonna buy this chick?

And then, the gap started to narrow. And the collective drool started to fall from the GOP’s mouths like cool icicles at the base of a glacier after a storm of hail and locusts.

Boy was I stupid.

Now, it seems every day I ask my incredibly wise and super hot husband: How can this race be so close, given McCain’s ties to Bush and Palin’s hypocrisy and inexperience and the past eight years and two senseless wars and too many foreclosures and this crappy-ass economy and they want to overturn Roe v. Wade and the dangers to our daughters and we pay too much for gas and nobody’s thinking about healthcare for everyone and how will we retire or recoup the investment in our house or switch careers and get new jobs if we want them and stop relying on arabs for oil and build wind whatevers and solar whatevers and thermal whatevers and return to being the great nation we used to be with great leadership and where has that been most of all?

I need to know: How can McCain race ahead by simply putting a hot mama on his ticket–one who promises to do great things for the eyeglass business, but set back the women’s movement by centuries?

Is it that we really do live in a racist society and more people than not are unwilling to vote for a black man? Or, is it that we’re so blinded by a woman’s persuasion and good looks that we’ll take whatever she stands for, even if it’s s.c.a.r.y?

Well, that’s it. That’s all I got. (I’m trying to come out of my shell.)

Until next time.

  Share