COLUMN: THE AGE OF REASONABLE DOUBT :

My intense curiosity about the inner workings of relationships has inspired me to write short stories that have now been published into a short story collection, The Hungry Heart Stories by Fran Metzman, Wilderness House Press, 2012. These will be my point of reference for this article. I’ve written numerous articles about relationships and how to make them better. It is my passion to seek the answers to why so many relationships fail. Presently, at least half of all marriages fail. A greater percentage of second marriages go down the tubes. I’ve noticed that men have a harder time living alone and may jump into second or third marriages too easily without first having thought it out. Women tend to have their own peculiarities. When the relationship they are in is flawed or there are some disturbing elements in it, the often think they can change that after marrying. That is not a good thing to do for it can doom success. Sometimes women appear to rejoice in the freedom they find after divorce. Many, though, want to find a new relationship. After a disastrous breakup one must be introspective as to why their relationship failed. If that is not done, the odds of another failure are great. But this only tells the surface of the story. It is imperative for all of us to go back to the drawing board and find out why divorce has become a tsunami in our society. In some ways, I’m obsessed with finding the answers as to why so many intelligent people are still getting it wrong when it comes to mate selection. We all believe in romantic chemistry, but is it leading us astray? Whether it is or isn’t, we must take a closer look. What is required is that we examine the mix of psychology, sociology and then our personal psyches. All of these come into play when looking at how our romantic chemistry guides or sometimes commands us to choose a certain person. Of course, the same applies to other human interactions, including parents/children. When we are find dissatisfaction within a relationship we might discover our behavior goes off-kilter although most of us don’t act out. The reasons for this emotional void must be addressed. We have to dissect the internal chemistry that draws us to a wrong person – or repetitively to the wrong person. This is the mistake that draws us to bad relationships. Would you entrust your life to a doctor when you have a serious illness because your instinct tells you he’s good? Wouldn’t you research the doctor’s credentials – what is his background, where did he go to school and more? Why not be as thorough with romance? I know it sounds the opposite of romantic, but it is such an important decision we should involve our brains along with hearts. Relationships of all kinds are basic to human endeavors – good, bad or indifferent. There is a yearning, whether we are aware of it or not, to fill the emotional voids that are lacking from our past. Not confronting these issues can drive people into inappropriate behaviors. Confronting past issues contribute toward making for good relationships. An early hurtful event or trauma gets wired into our brains making deep groves for the rest of our lives and will impact our romantic choices if we don’t understand what drives us. From early on we exhibit insecurities and try to overcome them. We may put on a happy face, display false bravado, but inside feel deep emotional pain. That’s when we become capable of pushing the envelope of our behavior. As an example, some of the short stories that address this in The Hungry Heart Stories, are: 1) The Invisible Wife, a tale about a woman who lived in the attic of her ex-husband’s home to spy on him and his new wife. 2) Getting Closer, depicts a mother/daughter in deep conflict where food intersects their lives. 3) In the story, My Inheritance, again a mother/daughter clash has the protagonist desperately wanting to resolve issues from the past as she cares for her dying mother. 4) The protagonist must choose between a previous lover who appears after a long absence and the man who replaced him in the story, Christmas in August. 5) Food dominated the life of a couple in the, The Right Seasoning, and now the husband must wrestle with grief in order to survive after his beloved wife dies. 6) A once poverty stricken woman hits her stride in her 30’s but realizes the sacrifices she made to get ahead in the story, The Reunion. 7) The Girls from Mapleton, raises the question of how a never discussed shared childhood trauma impacts three women when they reach adulthood. And through translating real life into fiction, I am seeking the answers to secrets of relationships. Only the readers can judge if the stories resonate and much they enlighten. Sometimes, seeking the golden grail of relationships requires a journey into hell. We yearn to search then backfill those painful voids in our lives, and might not use rational behavior. The chemistry that stems from early childhood along with social demands can lead us astray. What is vital is to learn how to get back on track. Romantic chemistry is rampant with unanswered questions as to why we are attracted to toxic mates. I believe in the theory that we seek someone who duplicates one or both deficient childhood caretakers so that we get a second chance to undo the parental failures with an adult romantic interest. Hence, the romantic chemistry leads us to that person. Of course, that can’t work because we chose the same type of person who failed us early in life. The adult replicas that we are instinctively attracted to most times fail us again. Of course, there are many other reasons but that is perhaps a major one. And because our romantic chemistry may lead us blindly into bad relationships, I think we need to understand it as well as possible. Yes, it means digging into the past and our unconscious BUT it is a necessary tough task. And that brings us to why I write edgy stories about human behavior in relationships. I struggle to uncover the elements that drive us.