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August 4, 2011
Here we go again, stressing over the old bugaboo of romantic chemistry. This has been going on for centuries. Poems, stories, novels, songs and whatnot have been dedicated to extolling praises of the undying love syndrome. There are many theories about romantic chemistry and falling in love. Some even think they can identify it through modern technology using diagnostic machines. Still, it remains an elusive mystery.
We all know how it works – we’re pulled into the vortex of romantic chemistry for a particular person. The hormones rage. We forget to eat, we can’t sleep, and we hang on that person’s every word. Carefully, we study each sentence they utter to look for clues as to how that person feels about the beginning courtship. We ask ourselves: Do I sense a cooling down? Have I become boring? Do I come across as intelligent? Do I still exude sensuality?
Once struck by cupid’s arrow, we perceive our environment in a different way. The world around us is much brighter, colors more vivid, honking horns sound like tinkling bells and everything, including rank sewers, smells like roses. The object of our desire can do no wrong. We are forgiving, lustful and madly in love.
Given these overt symptoms, I have to ask why so many relationships that started all starry-eyed and with great promise eventually breakup?
Let’s take a delve into romantic chemistry because so many of us depend on that spark and sizzle in order to hook up with an individual. Without that intense draw we would just walk away. Although we rely heavily on our emotions that revolve around love we need to question if this is the best way to select a mate. Despite all the signals and whistles going off in our heads when we meet that special person we must consult our brain as well. Lots of you will disagree, but I’ll spell out my reasoning.
Why, in the game of love, do some people to hit a home run and others strike out? Not only do they strike out, they continue to be attracted, over and over, to the same personality type that is toxic for them? We all know at least one person like that. I know several.
Okay. When you are very young, it is easy to make a mistake. How do you prevent that from happening again – and again – and again as we mature? Sometimes, what is a good romantic fit for one person is another’s poison. Why? If we do depend on our emotions to rule in that department, in my opinion, you had better be a very stable person. If you know that you have some unresolved issues, then the heart is not enough in making this momentous decision – the head must be involved as well.
Let’s take an in-depth look at what some experts in the field are saying. You might not believe the theories presented, but here goes. For one thing, we’ll look at opposites attracting, keeping in mind the adage that, opposites attract and then kill each other. It’s especially important that when opposites attract there has to be some plan in place for when the novelty of courtship wears off.
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D, marriage counselor and psychotherapist, says online, “…I often see people drawn to their opposite – because it’s new and exciting. However, what’s exciting in the newness of romance often becomes unbearable in the constant contact of a long time relationship.
“…Although times are changing, most men and women are socialized differently as children, and these differences can trip us up in romantic relationships. Women’s and men’s brains, and therefore language processing and reasoning, are organized differently. Cultural anthropologists theorize that it’s because of the different survival skills they needed to learn. They maintain it takes different perception, ideation, cognition and communication skills to raise a baby versus hunting down a mammoth. Whatever the case, the differences can be bridged…women take a meandering mental route, full of emotional (and distracting for men) side trips, which are rich in meaning for the female. It is why research shows that women are so good at multitasking, cooperation and relationship-building, and less focused on reaching a specific goal.
“Men value competency and problem solving. Women value intimacy and emotional connection. Women you may think he’s focused entirely on time, power, or money, but what he’s really trying to do is create enough security that he can feel safe to let his guard down. Men, you might think she’s illogical or irrational, but she’s responding to emotional cues you haven’t been trained to see.”
It is these very issues that introduce the needed component of rational thinking. As the article suggests, not only is it imperative to delve into what makes each individual tick, but we must be aware of the societal impact on us as well.
I firmly believe that when we have had an unstable or dysfunctional upbringing we are more easily driven to choose the wrong person. You must be aware of the red flags flying in your face that tell you this is not a good match, despite the allure. There are almost always signs, but so many choose to ignore them because the adrenaline rush of new love can be addictive.
Now here is a fascinating theory that I believe is true. The emotional gaps we experienced in childhood come into play when we are aroused by someone who is very bad for us. This personality may stimulate buried problems that are unrecognizable on a conscious level. The object of our obsession might remind you of what was lacking in childhood because they have the same flaws as those people who raised you.
Sparks fly because another opportunity is presented to us to make right what was wrong in earlier years. For instance, if we grew up with an emotionally distant parent/s or guardian, then we are likely to select a similar personality in a mate to replay history and attempt to achieve what we missed. In all probability, the present person will not change into a devoted, giving soul, the very thing we are seeking. What we are actually doing is putting ourselves in the same emotionally deprived situation that eventually causes great distress. We’ve all heard it said that we are often attracted to someone who is like one or both parents.
Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., “is a Clinical Counselor and co-originator of Imago Relationship Therapy with his wife, Helen LaKelly Hunt. Dr. Hendrix frequently appears in the media to discuss his ground-breaking therapeutic work with couples, including the concept of “conscious partnership.” His groundbreaking approach to couples therapy has inspired many psychotherapists and received international recognition.
Dr. Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., is the co-author of several highly influential books on relationships, including the New York Times best-sellers Getting the Love You,Want: A Guide for Couples, which has been translated into more than 50 languages, and Keeping the Love You Find: A Personal Guide.
Dr. Harville Hendrix writes:
“Our unconscious need is to have our feelings of aliveness and wholeness restored by someone who reminds us of our caretakers. In other words, we look for someone with the same deficits of care and attention that hurt us in the first place.
So when we fall in love, when bells ring and the world seems altogether a better place, our old brain is telling us that we’ve found someone with whom we can finally get our needs met. Unfortunately, since we don’t understand what’s going on, we’re shocked when the awful truth of our beloved surfaces, and our first impulse is to run screaming in the opposite direction. (from Imago website).”
If these theories resonate with you, and given that few of us come from a perfectly healthy rearing, we have to be wary of following lethally-tinged, romantic chemistry. How do we do this? Again, I hark back to the need for self-examination. We must explore what it is that attracted us to the wrong person to begin with. Taken one step further, it might help to examine the reasons why we rejected the much nicer person and probably the one who was right.
I believe that by digging deeply into our psyches we can re-route our destructive chemistry into a healthier approach. Once we unearth the issues that have emotionally impoverished us as adults, we can develop the kind of understanding that will improve our mental health. Ask yourself what events helped form your behavior? If we take the answers and apply it to our lives perhaps disastrous relationship failures may be averted.
Blindly following that emotional yank of chemistry might push us off-track into an oncoming train. It is far better to walk away from a potentially bad relationship and avoid the bitterness of dissolution. Insights reaped and reinforced will give you a better chance to a happier ending. No one said the road to love and happiness would be easy! Even the white picket fence can rot through if not cared for.
SexyG
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June 29, 2011
Where have all the marriageable people gone? As we know by now, the statistics from the census found that there were more singles than “marrieds” in the USA. The percentage of households in the U.S. with a husband and wife dropped from 55% twenty years ago to 48% in 2010. This compares with the 1950 statistic where 78% of households were dominated by married people. The average age for men marrying is now 27 years-old.
There is another change that complicates the issue. There is a large increase in single parents, couples cohabitating or those living alone. Celebrities seemed to have set the pace in removing the sin factor of living together rather than marrying. Taking it one step further, they have legitimized having children without the state of wedded bliss.
The online article, As Marriage and Parenthood Drift Apart, Public Is Concerned about Social Impact; Generation Gap in Values, Behaviors from the Pew Research Center Publications, July 1, 2007. The findings are from a telephone survey conducted from February 16 through March 14, 2007.
In their executive summary they said: “A Generation Gap in Behaviors and Values. Younger adults attach far less moral stigma than do their elders to out-of-wedlock births and cohabitation without marriage. They engage in these behaviors at rates unprecedented in U.S. history. Nearly four-in-ten (36.8%) births in this country are to an unmarried woman. Nearly half (47%) of adults in their 30s and 40s have spent a portion of their lives in a cohabiting relationship.”
Okay, so people are marrying and having children later in life, if they have kids at all. They are also having more out-of-wedlock babies. Is this new morality good or bad for society? The more conservative element might tell you it is wrong and harmful for children. Some feel strongly that if you haven’t cemented your relationship by promising to love, honor and cherish with legal sanctification it isn’t a real or lasting commitment.
Some more liberal groups may feel that an atmosphere where the parents aren’t trapped by what they consider an outdated institution is much healthier and so children benefit. If things don’t work out the couple can split without huge legal costs – and still not desert the children.
There is also a belief that couples living together might be better behaved as opposed to those using the shield of marriage to be more verbal about frustrations. Knowing that divorce is so hard for people to endure, a spouse might criticize more within a marriage rather than they would in the courtship phase. The dirty laundry on the bedroom floor at one time didn’t incite anger but once married it may become fuel for contention.
Society appears to be polarized in how we feel about marriage. We really need to dig deeper to understand the undercurrents of these dramatic changes to what we thought was an unalterable tradition.
In some camps it’s felt that it’s the women, not the men, seeking marriage. The reasons given are that males can pretty much have sex on demand with little required in give-backs. Economics plays a part – so some men say. They want to be in better financial shape and even maybe own their own house before marriage. I find this reasoning curious. What happened to two can live as cheaply as one? Don’t working couples provide a household with more income?
On the flip side of the coin, some experts believe that women with demanding careers may be more responsible for putting off marriage than men. The average age for women getting married is now 25, and 27 for those college educated. Go one step further and we find that when a female goes to graduate school and/or becomes a professional the age jumps to 30ish.
Maybe women are no longer romanticizing marriages of yesteryear as much as they once did. Back in the day, marriage was vital for women, not always romantically charged. Overall, women in previous generations rarely had careers and marriage was simply a way to survive. They were dependent on husbands for everything – protection, supporting children and a lifestyle. In an unabashed patriarchal society, marriage was a means of survival. These women had little input into decision making. As a result, idealizing marriage has diminished greatly.
But now we have an interesting phenomenon that has made marriage unpalatable to many women. Even today, domestic responsibilities are still pretty much in a woman’s court. Add that to working a full-time job, as most women do, and it is not an appealing picture to many women. Marriage often means that a woman takes on two major careers – in and out of the home. Women may now be postponing marriage because so many more are able to support themselves and can make choices.
For some odd reason (for exploration in another article) marriage often changes the rules in a relationship. 50% plus of all marriages end in divorce, and that doesn’t take into account the large number of those who choose to remain together but are unhappy. Where once two people were carefree and madly in love during courtship, they find that marriage dampens the relationship with its prescribed rules and regulations.
I think that traditional marriages with its one-size fits all theory is outdated. The way the institution of marriage has been rigidly structured puts people in a box. Once that certificate is signed expectations may and often do change. For instance, no matter how modern we are, the old values of assigned male/female roles come into play because that is still how we are, to this very day, socialized. Without insight, we react to relationships in a traditional manner (granted it is more subtle) and wind up painting ourselves into a corner.
We have to look at marriage with a fresh, more realistic slant and get out-of-the-box. Also, it is not a panacea for curing all ills – past and present. Each individual must take on the responsibility of understanding where they are coming from on their own. If one is unwilling to self-examine, which takes lots of work, then watch out.
To have a healthy and successful relationship one must dissect their individual behavior. Each has to share tasks and make compromises. I believe these are key to keeping love and adoration alive. Unconditional love is not a password here. Everything is conditioned on what we bring to a relationship. Carefree doesn’t mean free. It takes lots of communication and work to achieve that state of mind. But the payoff is superb.
The direction I see for the more successful marriages is that couples have to make their own contract. And I am not referring to open marriages! We have to allow for changing boundaries so that couples can grow and deepen their love and commitment.
For example, if two people are offered jobs that they yearn for, but they are in different states, why does one have to sacrifice? True it is hard to make a long distance marriage work, but with frequently planned get-togethers it can be like a honeymoon. Who is to say geographic distance is not good for a relationship?
Communication is of the utmost importance – both before and after walking down the aisle. Know what you are getting into, what you are giving up and what the positive gains might be. This is especially true when it comes to having children. Many men are especially vulnerable to bad reactions when offspring arrive, probably because they are ill-informed about the emotional toll that being fruitful and multiplying takes. It isn’t for everyone and that includes some women.
Harmoniously working toward common goals can be a wonderfully exhilarating experience. A couple must understand their expectations and share them. Maturity is emotionally freeing. What is better than knowing that you and your beloved care and support each other? The impact of this will infuse every area of your lives – including the bedroom.
SexyG
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June 7, 2011
 Generally speaking, the present generation of males is supposedly open, generous of spirit, sensitive and gender-blind. Right? Maybe not.
I suspect there is enough awareness to spout the correct verbiage in public that is very PC but there is a definite harboring of old, traditional concepts about women. I would have to say that there are cave men hiding deep inside the sophisticated male brain that frequently sees the world instantaneously through electronics, understands every hi-tech gadget, accepts challenges, and is non-racist. Why are so many men, liberal and conservative so unwilling to look at women as humans with needs as strong as theirs and brains that function on a par with the male population?
Maybe they are reluctant to give up the good, old-fashioned self-serving mores of women doing the dirty work since time began. If one feigns ignorance at where the cereal is kept, someone will jump up and get it – usually a woman. Even a bit of chiding might be welcomed for not remembering where the food pantry is hiding. After all, it’s a female secret.
It’s odd that a bachelor can be very self-sufficient in his own digs until he moves in with a woman and develops partial paralysis. But if he takes the big step of marriage he may very well become a domestic quadriplegic.
In a sea of subtle and not so subtle sexist undercurrents, let me point out just a few:
I was talking to a man who is in his early 40s. He’s single, heterosexual, handsome, intelligent, financially successful and has been around the dating scene a good deal. He is charming and funny. He brought up porno in a casual way because it fit into the conversation. I told him how dreadful I thought it was because it was abusive and brutal to women with undertones rape and sometimes the undertones have clearly moved to be in your face. Porno gives the impression that women loved having violent sex which is not true for most women. He gave me a shocked expression.
“Really?” he asked, mockingly. “What other kind of sex is there?”
A bit tongue in cheek to match his reaction but with sincerity, I proceeded to tell him there is erotica where there is a genuine good feeling between a couple, tenderness, gentle touching, and words of endearment. I said that most sex appeal comes through the mind. That is the most sensual part of the body. When there is open communication, caring, fun-loving teasing and trust – eroticism blossoms naturally.
The man put his chin on his chest and faked snoring. Yes, I know he was kidding, and maybe even defensive, but it says so much. For one thing, there is a great deal of truth in his gesture of humorous, feigned boredom that suggests how he really feels about love and the needs of women. He might very well agree with me, but for the sake of appearing masculine he had to take the macho stance. This is certainly ingrained in our society. If he echoed my words in the locker room the guys would have been all over him about what a sissy he was.
This kind of sexism exists in all generations of men, especially older ones. I see a lot of creative writing and rarely does a man write well about women. They are often either non-existent in a story, one-dimensional, saints or sluts, and when given a significant occupation, those very same female characters are asked to get coffee and donuts.
Recently, I was in a situation where I had a difference of opinion with an older gentleman. His response, rather than challenging me with his slant on the topic, he simply said, “Your opinion is based on being a woman.”
I interpret this as an insult that means a woman’s opinion is more frothy and inconsequential than one coming from a man. Now I know this might sound like an isolated situation where a clueless man didn’t realize how demeaning his statement was, but I have run into this kind of female deprecation often.
For instance, I attended a gathering where we were discussing the danger of the massive deficit. I remarked that before we cut services to medical programs, the poor, and the elderly that perhaps we can reduce the horrific government waste that was estimated at approximately 350 billion dollars some years ago (probably much more now since little has been done to contain that figure nor do we know the full story of the deficit as some parts of the budget are secret). That huge figure takes in money that is misallocated, stolen or falls through the cracks and the cracks can be huge.
A man who is a professional turned to me with a sarcastic smile and said, “Dear, you don’t mean billions. You mean millions.”
No sir, I MEANT BILLIONS. His misguided sexism figured a woman doesn’t know the difference between millions and billions.
Would he have said the same thing in the same way to a man? Hardly. I imagine he would have said… “Hmmm. Interesting.”
In an online video that deals with Disney characters and how they influence children, entitled, Sexism, Strength and Dominance: Masculinity in Disney Films, by sanjaynewton, the Disney male heroes tend to project images of men who are
physically strong with good looks and a willingness to engage in violence. Women appear to be feminine in the traditional sense of conceding to a man’s strength.
Dominance is a theme and violence prevalent in the stories that most of us are familiar with from early childhood. Even when there are female heroes they usually defer to men or wind up as the object of a man. There is little in the way to say a woman who is unattached romantically is worthy. Women, for the most part, appear to be treated as sex objects who are there “… for pleasure or to please men. And heroes are usually handsome, buff males.” – as stated in the same analysis of Disney characters.
There is no question that these images are harmful to girls and difficult for boys who might be made to feel defective because they don’t measure up to how males are depicted. This may cause a large emotional breach from women. From my perspective I see this as a huge division that impacts later in life with adult relationships. What are we doing to the young generation of boys and girls? This perpetuation of artificial and antiquated male/female images has to stop – and soon.
SexyG
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December 15, 2010
By The Sexy G
The holiday season put me into a contemplative mood. I imagined driving alone through the deserted, hushed streets the day after Christmas. Everyone inside, all warm and cozy with their gifts while I wander around the city.
I began to think about one of the blogs I wrote – do women really want sensitive men, those special men in touch with their feminine side? Or, are women unconsciously repelled by the very same qualities they say they desperately need in a partner? Then I thought that the image of Santa Claus gives him the ambiance of a sensitive man. He’s a philanthropist of the highest order, making sure every child get a gift. He is applauded and adored around the world and never even took an income tax break for charity.
So, I thought, what if Santa walked into a bar where the older set hangs out and sat next to me? How would I react? Here’s the picture:
I’m sitting in an upscale bar in Center City Philadelphia.
The bar is carved oak with a black marble counter top. Behind the bar are brightly lit, glass shelves with top-drawer bottles of liquor. There are very few patrons. I’m drinking an icy vodka martini and chilling out. A man, two seats down, is staring at me. I give him a small smile. He moves over and sits next to me.
“Want to buy me a drink, sweetheart?” he asks.
“Not really.” I say. ”Just kidding.”
He looks up.
“Hey, barkeep, give this nice lady another, whatever she’s drinking.”
I look over at this brash man who didn’t even ask me if I wanted another drink and find his appearance pleasing. He’s wearing a navy, cable knit sweater and tan slacks. His salt and pepper hair is cut short, but several strands sweep over a high forehead. His nose is large but quite appropriate for his tall, thick size. He’s solidly built and in his early sixties.
“I’m Jimmy.”
He extends his hand, and I shake it. It is cool and smooth to the touch, not a hand that belongs to a manual worker. It’s how I picture Jimmy to be – plastic.
“Okay. Are you married or otherwise engaged?” I ask
“Nope. Been there, done that a couple of times and have given it up for Lent. Just want to have fun now.”
At least he’s honest. Do I dare sound corny and tell him that I’ve been there, too, but want to have a terrific committed relationship now? I decide to keep quiet.
“You’re a pleasant looking lass, he says peering down my v-neckline at my cleavage.
Well, can’t say that wearing this outfit was accidental. We’re smack in the era of displaying cleavage and the tops of backsides. The latter is definitely not for me, but a little cleavage works wonders for a little attention. Oh, sometimes men are simplistic.
“Do you know why your marriage or marriages didn’t last?” I ask him.
“I wasn’t home much because I’m a workaholic and when I was around I watched sports on TV. What man doesn’t do that? I just didn’t get the kind
of woman who tolerates it. Then she cheated on me. But I’m not changing.”
“When you and your wife were together, did you enjoy intimacy? Were you a good listener and did you give your wife some quality time?”
“Hey, that’s chick stuff. I’m sure I was a good husband. I’m not great with domestic stuff. As a provider I did the best I could and loved my kids. Isn’t that enough?” He shook his head. “Look, let’s not talk serious stuff. If you want to have fun, I’m your guy.” He looks at me sideways. “I’m good in the sack.”
So, I’m face to face with a man who has the bad boy syndrome, and, I must say, it has some appeal. Why not be carefree and enjoy every second? No strings attached. Hey, next year arthritis might get me or some other damned illness.
Thudding footsteps sound behind me. I turn. Santa Claus is standing in the middle of the marble floor, removing his big, white mittens. I’m in shock. He walks over and sits next to me.
“Can I buy you a drink?” He asks. His beard has tiny icicles hanging from it.
“Sure, Santa. What are you doing here?”
“No one is home. I haven’t publicized it because it will upset millions of children, but Mrs. Claus passed away last year. The elves have gone to their own families. I was lonely.”
“Santa, you’re a super star. Thousands of people would invite you to dinner.”
Jimmy, seemingly unaffected by Santa’s presence, moves away and sits next to an attractive woman.
“It’s one of those oddities. You see, because I was busy pleasing everyone, I never developed close relationships. Children love me, parents love me, but with limits. It’s sweet and pleasant, but I’m not really an integral part of their lives.”
The bartender delivers the drinks. Santa had ordered a mint martini. We click glasses.
“I realized since my wife died that I was remiss in our relationship. I used my enormous fame and generosity as a ploy to keep from being close to her. We only talked about my work and the stresses that go with it. If my wife complained, I didn’t listen to her.”
…This even made me angry.
“I insisted that making toys for the children superseded herdemands for attention. So many people depend on me.” His expression turns weary. ”It’s only since she’s gone that I see blaming work for my failings was dumb. I feared love because it would make me vulnerable. The woman of my life meant so much to me, gave me everything within her capacity. I cut her off emotionally so that I might devote myself to the world. Giving my all to others was easier than working on my marriage with the one person who mattered most in my life.”
I finish my drink, grab his unfinished cocktail and down that quickly. Was this real? Or was I having a psychotic episode? I admit to
being a bit strung out from guzzling bourbon eggnogs yesterday, but this was beyond hallucinating.
“I opened up to one woman since my dear wife’s passing,” Santa continues. “She had champagne waiting for me when I came down her chimney. She’d heard about Mrs. Claus’ demise and thought we’d get along. I poured my heart out, telling her that I’d reevaluated my life and knew I’d missed so much in the pursuit of success. I wanted to change now, discover who I really was under this hand-tailored, red suit. I wanted to discover poetry and learn to cook. I let myself cry in front of her, told her how upsetting it was to always act strong even when I don’t feel it. I had always lived in constant terror someone might not like me and I became the epitome of a crowd pleaser. Now I want my image off of all those greeting cards. I would willingly trade my celebrity for love, passion and obscurity.”
He sighs.
“Suddenly, this woman got a look of horror. She told me I’d be a nobody. What did she want with someone like that? I said I’m looking for a woman who wants to be friends first, before we’re intimate.”
He blinks at me.
“She thought the idea of being friends first was gay. She asked if I had sexual relationships with the elves? That did it. With a clatter, I zipped back up the chimney. As I sailed through the air in my sleigh, I decided that I wouldn’t let her attitude stop me from seeking answers within myself. Somewhere, a woman exists who truly wants a sensitive man. I’ll search even if I have to miss next Christmas.”
He sighs and his blue eyes get a mischievous twinkle.
“When I first saw you, I thought you might be that kind of
woman.”
I look over at Jimmy. He sits alone now and gives me a big smile and a small wave. I stare at Santa, little beads of water from melted icicles cling to his brilliant, white beard.
“I’d love for you to dance through life with me until the music stops,” he says.
Or my tits fall off
- whichever comes first.
I say a little prayer that Santa is a vegetarian. Then I remember his fondness for his pet reindeers. He’d never eat meat.
“Santa, want to come back to my place?” I ask.
SexyG
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December 4, 2010
By The Sexy G
We’ve all heard of those couples that survive many years of marriage, even decades, only to end in divorce. Al and Tipper Gore are the quintessential example of this phenomenon. I have to admit that although I have seen this before in my own circle of acquaintances, it was still a shocker when I first heard the Gores had separated after 40 years of marriage. I thought they were the poster adults for good marriages. Their explanation? They just grew apart.
Now, how does that happen?
To the observant outsider, it always appeared that Tipper was right there by Al’s side throughout his political career. But then, once the political life diminished and he went on to another area of life, she seemed somewhat less involved. Perhaps she excluded herself. To me she seemed to be searching for her own path and independence.
My question is – did the difficulty occur because the focus of politics was what held the marriage together? So, once that diminished that was it? Why weren’t there other emotional supports?
Too often, the demise of romance occurs when two people are on different career paths or don’t share the same interests. You would think that such diversity would keep the marriage intriguing and fresh if each brought something new and different to discuss. It is an opportunity to learn from each other, to find an entrée to other worlds and even sub-cultures.
Obviously, the break doesn’t come suddenly. For many who have been married over a long period of time, the cracks, in all probability, formed long before separation was an issue. What then causes the cracks to widen into huge chasms? Sudden change or a crisis, involving issues like; career flips, job loss, difficulty with children, retirement, illness, or even good things like a large bonus or inheritance may impact a relationship already limping along.
Trust me on this one. If a couple has not meshed on a deeper level other than children and careers, then they might find they have very little to talk about once the hullaballoo of the daily grind dies down. Suddenly, you have a Silver Divorce when there should have been a Silver Anniversary.
Whether the problems come over time in small increments or with big red flags waving wildly down the cobblestone path of a marriage, the result is the same. People experience a hollowness and loneliness in each other’s company.
But why do troubled couples stay together in the first place? Children? Economics? Fear of being single? A need to hate one another yet remain neurotically attached?
AARP did a study: The Divorce Experience A Study of Divorce at Midlife and Beyond. The Report was by Xenia P. Montenegro, PhD, National Member Research, Knowledge Management. Survey was conducted by Knowledge Networks, Inc. 2004. “At the time of their divorce, 76% of people ages 40 to 79 who divorced later in life had children, the majority of whom were under 18 years old…” They cite statistics on the reactions of children. The answers varied from declaring that (37%) of their children were supportive down to (18%) who said their children were very upset about their divorce.
They also said, “Along with emotional turmoil, people report other difficulties. Foremost among these is dealing with uncertainty or not knowing what’s ahead, cited by 40 percent. Many suffer from loneliness or depression (29%), as well as feelings of desertion or betrayal (25%), a sense of failure (23%), feeling unloved (22%), and feelings of inadequacy (20%).”
We all know about the syndrome in some mature men (so called mid-life crisis, and in my opinion it can happen at any age) who leave older wives for women, many times much younger. Often these men are trying to get back to their youth and a fresh new romance, especially with a younger woman, makes them feel that way – at least for a short time. Another reason is often because they are seeking another person to make them happy. What they don’t realize is that can’t happen. One has to find happiness in themselves. Dependence on an outside source will lead to trouble.
When everyday living enters that new relationship, which it inevitably does, there is usually trouble. Of all the remarriages I’ve known only one man in ten actually admitted to having made the right decision. That being said, the startling revelation in this AARP report about what is called “gray divorce” is that the scales have tipped, “… women usually initiate divorce, many times surprising their spouses.”
The data shows that once the children are grown more women now are asking for divorces. They tend to do this despite the fact that they will probably become destitute, but they can no longer take abuse, be controlled, live with an addicted person or walk on eggshells fearing abandonment. The AARP study indicated that verbal, physical, or emotional abuse tops the list of reasons to decide to get out of a marriage. Cheaters are high up there, but I would tend to equate that in the category of abuse.
This is not to say that everyone is ecstatic after divorcing a long-term spouse. It is still a traumatic experience. We well know of the difficulties to be faced when alone – sadness, loneliness, depression and anxiety. Yet, most often, the difficult decision to split after being together for a long time seems to outweigh the misery of staying in an unhappy relationship.
Before couples reach the point of no return why not try to halt the progression of anger, resentment and abuse in relationships. What could be worse than living with these factors on a daily basis? I implore people in this situation to stop and think. Dig deeply for insight into the issues that brought you to this place. For example, was there a power play? Is there resentment because the presence of traditional gender roles? Have the qualities that once attracted you become irritants? Do you push each other’s buttons deliberately?
Hopefully, you’ll come up with some answers. Then, if willing to attempt to save the marriage, think about reasonable solutions. Do you have some good history together? There must have been segments of the relationship where interaction worked well. Was love a factor in getting together in the first place? Can you both look carefully then stretch out emotionally and together rekindle those emotions.
Get rid of expectations and resentments of what you’re not getting. Together make a list of how you could reach a higher plane devoid of all that has brought the marriage tumbling down. No finger pointing allowed.
If you can put it back together piece by piece, like a puzzle, mightn’t you regain some of the love you once had for each other? It’s worth a try. Despite images of what a new relationship might bring it could be highly unrealistic to think it will fill in the holes of what you were missing. Unless you have honestly delved into yourself to determine what part you had in the deterioration of the marriage, and why you chose the mate you did in the first place, you might be prone to repeating the same error. Go for the reconciliation – try to live for the moment.
SexyG
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August 12, 2010
By the Sexy G
We appear to have an epidemic of men watching computer porno sites, even during working hours. To illustrate that, I use the Washington Post article: SEC porn investigation nets dozens. As reported on April 23, 2010 by Ed O’Keefe, the SEC probed 33 people for watching porn at work and several senior positions were involved.
One senior official working at headquarters admitted watching porn for as much as 8 hours a day on an office computer. I ask you, when did he work? In a regional office a staff member admitted to viewing porno on an office computer and on an SEC issued laptop while on official business. The list goes on. We are in serious trouble financially in this country, yet this disgraceful behavior continues, unchecked, for long periods of time. Haven’t these employees heard about our recession? The real insult is that the average salaries of these people averages in the $150,000 range.
Similar allegations appeared at the National Science Foundation, the National Park Service and even a judge of a US Circuit Court of Appeals. And then this woman working at Citibank, as she reported, is reprimanded for wearing tight-fitting clothing and told that her outfits were too distracting at the workplace? Is this the Jezebel Syndrome or the Adam and Eve debacle? Why are we blaming women for out-of-control men? Come on guys! So many of you watch hours of porn and then accuse a woman for being distracting in the workplace? Is she supposed to wear a nun’s habit or burka? Get the message?
This excessive viewing of porn begs the question: How do men view women? Do they just think they are sex objects? Is it more enticing to view porn alone and indulge in the usual masturbation that accompanies it than to be with a woman, or are they just addicts? I have to believe that pornography plays into how men are socialized – to be unemotional because it is too sissy to reveal a more vulnerable side to the world. I suspect men believe that distracts from society’s concept of masculinity and dovetails into his fear of not being in control. It stands to reason that a woman who is looking for sexual as well as emotional satisfaction presents a threat to those men who are trying so hard not to appear feminine. For these, I believe, insecure men it is much easier to have phantom sex with a monitor than with a woman.
I saw a play recently by a very well-known author. There were several men and two women actors. The female protagonist of the play was portrayed as a screaming diva with almost no redeeming qualities. The other woman was slutty.
I imagine if the man put his mother in the play she’d be the Madonna. What was startling about the drama was that the demanding bitch designated as the main character and (according to the title of the play) was supposed to be about her life, took a background position. It became a story about the men and their dilemmas as minorities, their sad backgrounds and their bravery in surviving the daily grind of life.
I find this play and its view of women telling. I do believe there exists underneath the layers of denial in many men a strong disdain for women. Often women in literature are portrayed by male writers in a similar manner. Either she is a bitch, a slut or servile no matter how intelligent or accomplished she is. Are these myths perpetuated by those men who feel that emotionally “surrendering” to a woman traps him and damages his pride (at least in his mind)?
I think that is why, in my experience, men turn a deaf ear to what a woman says she wants or needs as it pertains to sex cuddling or affection. No matter how many times a male may ask a woman what she likes sexually and otherwise, once she tells him, it is thereafter avoided. This type of male either tries to speed up the sexual process in order to disengage quicker and/or protects his manliness by never taking what he thinks are orders from a woman even though he asked.
To paraphrase Ethel Spector Person, Professor of Clinical Psychology at Columbia University from her book, Dreams of Love and Fateful Encounters, there is a dread of loss of self that presents a big fear. Sometimes after sex or other intimate moments he might start a fight in order to distance himself emotionally.
The plethora of porn that is available 24/7 has created difficulties in many relationships. Men who become addicted to pornography take many hours away from the family, wife or a partner. It is like the old boy’s club where men can’t understand why a woman would object to their numerous hours of watching porn. After all, didn’t parents look upon boys’ reading girly and pornographic magazines as a rite of passage? Why then as an adult is he asked to stop the habit? It’s all part of being a man. Isn’t it?
The kind of porno available now is hurting young boys in their attitudes toward women, and they take that with them into adulthood. In porno we know women are objectified and that’s how young minds become wired. Even women are affected as they try to make their bodies more like the porn stars by having breast implants and in being submissive.
In an article (Health) that came out January 19, 2004 in Time Magazine, entitled, The Porn Factor, written by Pamela Paul. “In the Internet age, pornography is almost everywhere you look. But what is it doing to real-life relationships?” Paul continues, “Sometimes pornography tears couples apart. At the 2003 meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, two-thirds of the 350 divorce lawyers who attended said the Internet played a significant role in divorces in the past year, with excessive interest in online porn contributing to more than half of such cases.”
Paul quoted Mark Schwartz, director of the Masters and Johnson clinic in St. Louis, Mo. Essentially, he said there are several reasons why porn is bad. It objectifies women as nothing more than breasts, legs and buttocks and creates a need for visual stimulation for arousal. “The image of a lonely, isolated man masturbating to his computer is the Willy Loman metaphor of our decade.”
Yet, Paul writes, “Still, couples therapists sometimes suggest pornography as a way to refresh relationships or spark desire. Increasingly, women are game. Sociologist Michael Kimmel has found that each year more of his female college students approve of porn, which may reflect women’s increased sexual empowerment.”
But to paraphrase some of those findings, it is suggested that erotic material, rather than straight out porn may be used. While porn objectifies and debases women, egalitarian erotica can be shared and enjoyed by both.
Come on guys, put in some work, change your mindset so that you and your partner can be on the same page – face to face, skin to skin. Go for the real deal but really hear what she has to say. It’s not much fun spending hours upon hours alone and isolated. In my opinion, prostitution may be looking pretty warm and cozy when compared to the phantom sex of porn.
Sexy Gma
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