December « 2010 « The Age of Reasonable Doubt

December 15, 2010

What If You Met Santa at a Singles’ Bar?

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: bar scene, Chrismas, dating, Fran Metzman, holidays, mature dating, Relationships, Santa, sexy gma, singles' bar, The Sexy G, Wild River Review — metzman @ 4:14 pm

bar

By The Sexy G

The holiday season put me into a contemplative mood. I imagined driving alone through the deserted, hushed streets the day after Christmas. Everyone inside, all warm and cozy with their gifts while I wander around the city.

I began to think about one of the blogs I wrote – do women really want sensitive men, those special men in touch with their feminine side? Or, are women unconsciously repelled by the very same qualities they say they desperately need in a partner? Then I thought that the image of Santa Claus gives him the ambiance of a sensitive man. He’s a philanthropist of the highest order, making sure every child get a gift. He is applauded and adored around the world and never even took an income tax break for charity.

So, I thought, what if Santa walked into a bar where the older set hangs out and sat next to me? How would I react? Here’s the picture:

I’m sitting in an upscale bar in Center City Philadelphia.

The bar is carved oak with a black marble counter top. Behind the bar are brightly lit, glass shelves with top-drawer bottles of liquor. There are very few patrons. I’m drinking an icy vodka martini and chilling out. A man, two seats down, is staring at me. I give him a small smile. He moves over and sits next to me.

“Want to buy me a drink, sweetheart?” he asks.

“Not really.” I say. ”Just kidding.”

He looks up.

“Hey, barkeep, give this nice lady another, whatever she’s drinking.”

I look over at this brash man who didn’t even ask me if I wanted another drink and find his appearance pleasing. He’s wearing a navy, cable knit sweater and tan slacks. His salt and pepper hair is cut short, but several strands sweep over a high forehead. His nose is large but quite appropriate for his tall, thick size. He’s solidly built and in his early sixties.

“I’m Jimmy.”

He extends his hand, and I shake it. It is cool and smooth to the touch, not a hand that belongs to a manual worker. It’s how I picture Jimmy to be – plastic.

“Okay. Are you married or otherwise engaged?” I ask

“Nope. Been there, done that a couple of times and have given it up for Lent. Just want to have fun now.”

At least he’s honest. Do I dare sound corny and tell him that I’ve been there, too, but want to have a terrific committed relationship now? I decide to keep quiet.

“You’re a pleasant looking lass, he says peering down my v-neckline at my cleavage.

Well, can’t say that wearing this outfit was accidental. We’re smack in the era of displaying cleavage and the tops of backsides. The latter is definitely not for me, but a little cleavage works wonders for a little attention. Oh, sometimes men are simplistic.

“Do you know why your marriage or marriages didn’t last?” I ask him.

“I wasn’t home much because I’m a workaholic and when I was around I watched sports on TV. What man doesn’t do that? I just didn’t get the kind
of woman who tolerates it. Then she cheated on me. But I’m not changing.”

“When you and your wife were together, did you enjoy intimacy? Were you a good listener and did you give your wife some quality time?”

“Hey, that’s chick stuff. I’m sure I was a good husband. I’m not great with domestic stuff. As a provider I did the best I could and loved my kids. Isn’t that enough?” He shook his head. “Look, let’s not talk serious stuff. If you want to have fun, I’m your guy.” He looks at me sideways. “I’m good in the sack.”

So, I’m face to face with a man who has the bad boy syndrome, and, I must say, it has some appeal. Why not be carefree and enjoy every second? No strings attached. Hey, next year arthritis might get me or some other damned illness.

Thudding footsteps sound behind me. I turn. Santa Claus is standing in the middle of the marble floor, removing his big, white mittens. I’m in shock. He walks over and sits next to me.

“Can I buy you a drink?” He asks. His beard has tiny icicles hanging from it.

“Sure, Santa. What are you doing here?”

“No one is home. I haven’t publicized it because it will upset millions of children, but Mrs. Claus passed away last year. The elves have gone to their own families. I was lonely.”

“Santa, you’re a super star. Thousands of people would invite you to dinner.”

Jimmy, seemingly unaffected by Santa’s presence, moves away and sits next to an attractive woman.

“It’s one of those oddities. You see, because I was busy pleasing everyone, I never developed close relationships. Children love me, parents love me, but with limits. It’s sweet and pleasant, but I’m not really an integral part of their lives.”

The bartender delivers the drinks. Santa had ordered a mint martini. We click glasses.

“I realized since my wife died that I was remiss in our relationship. I used my enormous fame and generosity as a ploy to keep from being close to her. We only talked about my work and the stresses that go with it. If my wife complained, I didn’t listen to her.”

…This even made me angry.

“I insisted that making toys for the children superseded herdemands for attention. So many people depend on me.” His expression turns weary. ”It’s only since she’s gone that I see blaming work for my failings was dumb. I feared love because it would make me vulnerable. The woman of my life meant so much to me, gave me everything within her capacity. I cut her off emotionally so that I might devote myself to the world. Giving my all to others was easier than working on my marriage with the one person who mattered most in my life.”

I finish my drink, grab his unfinished cocktail and down that quickly. Was this real? Or was I having a psychotic episode? I admit to
being a bit strung out from guzzling bourbon eggnogs yesterday, but this was beyond hallucinating.

“I opened up to one woman since my dear wife’s passing,” Santa continues. “She had champagne waiting for me when I came down her chimney. She’d heard about Mrs. Claus’ demise and thought we’d get along. I poured my heart out, telling her that I’d reevaluated my life and knew I’d missed so much in the pursuit of success. I wanted to change now, discover who I really was under this hand-tailored, red suit. I wanted to discover poetry and learn to cook. I let myself cry in front of her, told her how upsetting it was to always act strong even when I don’t feel it. I had always lived in constant terror someone might not like me and I became the epitome of a crowd pleaser. Now I want my image off of all those greeting cards. I would willingly trade my celebrity for love, passion and obscurity.”

He sighs.

“Suddenly, this woman got a look of horror. She told me I’d be a nobody. What did she want with someone like that? I said I’m looking for a woman who wants to be friends first, before we’re intimate.”

He blinks at me.

“She thought the idea of being friends first was gay. She asked if I had sexual relationships with the elves? That did it. With a clatter, I zipped back up the chimney. As I sailed through the air in my sleigh, I decided that I wouldn’t let her attitude stop me from seeking answers within myself. Somewhere, a woman exists who truly wants a sensitive man. I’ll search even if I have to miss next Christmas.”

He sighs and his blue eyes get a mischievous twinkle.

“When I first saw you, I thought you might be that kind of
woman.”

I look over at Jimmy. He sits alone now and gives me a big smile and a small wave. I stare at Santa, little beads of water from melted icicles cling to his brilliant, white beard.

“I’d love for you to dance through life with me until the music stops,” he says.

Or my tits fall off
- whichever comes first.

I say a little prayer that Santa is a vegetarian. Then I remember his fondness for his pet reindeers. He’d never eat meat.

“Santa, want to come back to my place?” I ask.

SexyG

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December 4, 2010

DIVORCING AFTER LONG-TERM MARRIAGE

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: AARP, al gore, divorce, long term, marriage, Sexy G., sexy gma, sexy grandmom, The Divorce Experience A Study of Divorce at Midlife and Beyond, tipper gore, Xenia P. Montenegro — metzman @ 11:05 am

By The Sexy G

We’ve all heard of those couples that survive many years of marriage, even decades, only to end in divorce. Al and Tipper Gore are the quintessential example of this phenomenon. I have to admit that although I have seen this before in my own circle of acquaintances, it was still a shocker when I first heard the Gores had separated after 40 years of marriage. I thought they were the poster adults for good marriages. Their explanation? They just grew apart.

Now, how does that happen?

To the observant outsider, it always appeared that Tipper was right there by Al’s side throughout his political career. But then, once the political life diminished and he went on to another area of life, she seemed somewhat less involved. Perhaps she excluded herself. To me she seemed to be searching for her own path and independence.

My question is – did the difficulty occur because the focus of politics was what held the marriage together? So, once that diminished that was it? Why weren’t there other emotional supports?

Too often, the demise of romance occurs when two people are on different career paths or don’t share the same interests. You would think that such diversity would keep the marriage intriguing and fresh if each brought something new and different to discuss. It is an opportunity to learn from each other, to find an entrée to other worlds and even sub-cultures.

Obviously, the break doesn’t come suddenly. For many who have been married over a long period of time, the cracks, in all probability, formed long before separation was an issue. What then causes the cracks to widen into huge chasms? Sudden change or a crisis, involving issues like; career flips, job loss, difficulty with children, retirement, illness, or even good things like a large bonus or inheritance may impact a relationship already limping along.

Trust me on this one. If a couple has not meshed on a deeper level other than children and careers, then they might find they have very little to talk about once the hullaballoo of the daily grind dies down. Suddenly, you have a Silver Divorce when there should have been a Silver Anniversary.

Whether the problems come over time in small increments or with big red flags waving wildly down the cobblestone path of a marriage, the result is the same. People experience a hollowness and loneliness in each other’s company.

But why do troubled couples stay together in the first place? Children? Economics? Fear of being single? A need to hate one another yet remain neurotically attached?

AARP did a study: The Divorce Experience A Study of Divorce at Midlife and Beyond. The Report was by Xenia P. Montenegro, PhD, National Member Research, Knowledge Management. Survey was conducted by Knowledge Networks, Inc. 2004. “At the time of their divorce, 76% of people ages 40 to 79 who divorced later in life had children, the majority of whom were under 18 years old…” They cite statistics on the reactions of children. The answers varied from declaring that (37%) of their children were supportive down to (18%) who said their children were very upset about their divorce.

They also said, “Along with emotional turmoil, people report other difficulties. Foremost among these is dealing with uncertainty or not knowing what’s ahead, cited by 40 percent. Many suffer from loneliness or depression (29%), as well as feelings of desertion or betrayal (25%), a sense of failure (23%), feeling unloved (22%), and feelings of inadequacy (20%).”

We all know about the syndrome in some mature men (so called mid-life crisis, and in my opinion it can happen at any age) who leave older wives for women, many times much younger. Often these men are trying to get back to their youth and a fresh new romance, especially with a younger woman, makes them feel that way – at least for a short time. Another reason is often because they are seeking another person to make them happy. What they don’t realize is that can’t happen. One has to find happiness in themselves. Dependence on an outside source will lead to trouble.

When everyday living enters that new relationship, which it inevitably does, there is usually trouble. Of all the remarriages I’ve known only one man in ten actually admitted to having made the right decision. That being said, the startling revelation in this AARP report about what is called “gray divorce” is that the scales have tipped, “… women usually initiate divorce, many times surprising their spouses.”

The data shows that once the children are grown more women now are asking for divorces. They tend to do this despite the fact that they will probably become destitute, but they can no longer take abuse, be controlled, live with an addicted person or walk on eggshells fearing abandonment. The AARP study indicated that verbal, physical, or emotional abuse tops the list of reasons to decide to get out of a marriage. Cheaters are high up there, but I would tend to equate that in the category of abuse.

This is not to say that everyone is ecstatic after divorcing a long-term spouse. It is still a traumatic experience. We well know of the difficulties to be faced when alone – sadness, loneliness, depression and anxiety. Yet, most often, the difficult decision to split after being together for a long time seems to outweigh the misery of staying in an unhappy relationship.

Before couples reach the point of no return why not try to halt the progression of anger, resentment and abuse in relationships. What could be worse than living with these factors on a daily basis? I implore people in this situation to stop and think. Dig deeply for insight into the issues that brought you to this place. For example, was there a power play? Is there resentment because the presence of traditional gender roles? Have the qualities that once attracted you become irritants? Do you push each other’s buttons deliberately?

Hopefully, you’ll come up with some answers. Then, if willing to attempt to save the marriage, think about reasonable solutions. Do you have some good history together? There must have been segments of the relationship where interaction worked well. Was love a factor in getting together in the first place? Can you both look carefully then stretch out emotionally and together rekindle those emotions.

Get rid of expectations and resentments of what you’re not getting. Together make a list of how you could reach a higher plane devoid of all that has brought the marriage tumbling down. No finger pointing allowed.

If you can put it back together piece by piece, like a puzzle, mightn’t you regain some of the love you once had for each other? It’s worth a try. Despite images of what a new relationship might bring it could be highly unrealistic to think it will fill in the holes of what you were missing. Unless you have honestly delved into yourself to determine what part you had in the deterioration of the marriage, and why you chose the mate you did in the first place, you might be prone to repeating the same error. Go for the reconciliation – try to live for the moment.