June 28, 2009
When we think about foreplay and eroticism, we think about touching there and how about there. Oh, yes, baby! Let’s get it on. But generally, men (and some women) tend to forget it’s a much longer, sensual process than that. I’ve talked to many women that are often left frustrated after sexual encounters even with long-term partners. There are so many nuances wrapped up in sexual experiences that can make it stunning or spell disaster to a relationship. If a couple comes to the act with hidden agendas that are not verbalized, the stage is set to not have your heart in it. How people make love tells reams about how they function in everyday living.
A much younger, male friend reminded me that “…men are more into the physical and women into the build-up.” I had begun to believe that today, with all the in-your-face hype about sex, there would be no secret as to the glories of delectable, sensual foreplay. I would have sworn that wham-bam sex was definitely on the way out. Well, it’s not – at least according to many, many women I’ve spoken to of all ages.
I think of sex as more of a learning experience, each and every time. Spontaneity is fine, but not if it dispenses with the sensual foreplay. With some forethought, men and women benefit by experimentation and new discoveries. Go to your local bookstore and the shelves are filled with how-to-do-it-better books. Movies are replete with tender, exciting love scenes where couples virtually kiss every part of their oiled bodies before passionately devouring each other (I watch with my tongue hanging out).
Cleavage is everywhere. Tight skimpy clothing on men and women exudes sensuality. We see lots of skin, underwear and butt cracks. We are bombarded by sexuality at every turn. So why is there so much dissatisfaction inside the boudoir? And what is the distinction between the sexual needs of men and women? It is inconceivable to me that with all they hype out there both genders are not on the same track.
In the book, The New Male Sexuality by the psychologist, Bernie Zilbergeld, PhD, (revised trade paperback edition, 1999), he said, “Nonetheless, we men have a lot to gain from taking greater control over our lives. We don’t have to be at the mercy of our genitals or hormones or traditional sex roles we were brought up on. We don’t have to forgo the incredible benefits of truly loving relationships. We don’t have to put up with boring, joyless, or dysfunctional sex.” In the 1970’s, Dr. Zilbergeld was one of the original directors of clinical training in the innovative Human Sexuality Program of the University of California at San Francisco Medical School.
Sometimes when I feel like a wisecracking jerk I’ll say something like, there are no frigid women, only bad lovers. Can this be true? I think it is in many instances. Many women complain that men are unwilling to participate in foreplay, and if they do, it is done in a short robotic manner. No fun, guys!
Listen up. You might like going right to the genitals from the get-go. It’s a definite no-no. That’s the last stage of heightened passion. So, too, the nipples on a woman’s breast are taboo for a period of time. Those little darlings tell you when they are ready – the stand up and become like smooth, little pebbles. For starters, kiss around them, gently massage her back, legs and hips and then on to the sides of her breasts. Run your hands over hips, shoulders and neck. Run your tongue down her spine, and press lightly on the tops of buttocks – and find things to laugh about, a real turn-on. Kissing the back, the neck, the crock of the arm, behind the knees is delectable. It’s about touching skin anywhere on the body, but avoiding the imperative areas for a while. It will arouse her and she’ll want to do the same for you and more. Bring anything you feel is erotic (not harmful to anyone, of course) and can be included as foreplay – massage oil, bubble bath anything you want including whipped cream.
There is a little known technique about tongues. When you get to the vital areas, if you gently flick your tongue over nipples or clitoris they are far more exciting than pressing hard. When she does reach orgasm, then a little more pressure is fine.
Foreplay can start over dinner, or some fun event during the day. Holding hands, a gentle kiss on the ear, whispering, laughing, complimenting are all wonderful ways to get started. Even something as simple as watching a video together is a playground for foreplay. Touch her ankle, her wrist and talk about the movie afterward. Get up and get her a beer or glass of wine and some appetizers. A man doing domestic tasks is really seductive.
When she talks, give her quality listening. Don’t sit there with your tongue hanging out until she shuts up so you can quickly jump her bones. There is so much to do that’s fun for both.
On the other hand, women are sometimes confounded by men who demonstrate sensitivity or show their female side although they say that’s what they are looking for. Yet, if he hides his sensitivity men become clueless and distanced, unable to understand what a women needs. Ladies, listen up! Look into yourself. For the most part, that sensitive male is going to please you much more than the macho guy. Also, tell him what you like when making love. Don’t be afraid of hurting his ego. You want that orgasm, too. This approach, for the most part, works better on sensitive men ready to please his woman.
I believe the lack of emotionality is at the center of difficulties between men and women. When not dealing on a psychological level, you are left with only the physical act. This invites women to fake an orgasm rather than deal with the issues, and dissatisfaction is in motion.
Anne Hooper’s book, Ultimate Sex (new edition, 2001), contains photographs and ideas that have been derived from the author’s experience as a sexual and marital therapist. In the book she said, “In an ideal world, men would recognize and be sensitive to the sexual needs of their partners and would do their best to ensure that these needs were met. But men are often unaware that their partners are not getting true sexual fulfillment. They don’t notice it, and their partners are too shy, or for some reason reluctant to raise the subject.”
I went to a bookstore and went to the section on erotica and sexuality. The illustrations, photographs and descriptions couldn’t be more graphic or explicit – and, to tell the truth, I found them exciting. There is stroking, touching, massaging, mutual masturbation, kissing areas of high arousal, a variety of positions, G spots, erogenous zones, oral sex, various positions and interesting points of penetration.
A common theme runs through many of the books on eroticism – releasing inhibitions and developing creativity in the bedroom. This happens more easily when you understand the basics, are willing to dig into the bedrock of your psyche and be concerned about your partner – that goes both ways. Then, the possibilities for pleasure are unlimited.
Therapists tell me that men frequently complain they don’t get enough sex. They become angry with their partners when their demands are not met. The word frigid comes up. The flip side is that women complain that men just want sex without even a how-do-you-do. Sometimes I wonder if men aren’t unconsciously defeating themselves by this attitude and don’t want sex as much as they claim they do. It’s a setup for rejection or indifference. If women give into this lackluster attitude to prevent confrontations, they become enablers. Both men and women need to earn precious moments of sizzling intimacy. How is this accomplished?
The solution seems so simple. Communication! Talk to each other! Why not read books on sex together just for the hell of it? The illustrations and photography are quite explicit and easy to understand.
Lovemaking is one of the most significant ways for adults to play. Make sex play dates with your mate. It’s perfectly fine to plan these sessions and not wait for spontaneity especially when lives are busy. Make it fun! DON’T, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, THRUST YOUR TONGUE DOWN HER THROAT ON THE FIRST KISS.
Anne Hooper in Ultimate Sex goes on to say, “Intimacy is a quality that grows through a sharing of feelings; it heightens all aspects of the relationship and is the main ingredient responsible for turning sex into an ecstatic experience as opposed to a pleasurable but uninspiring one.”
Men, if you accommodate the sexual needs of your partner you, too, will benefit. It extends the sex play so that it becomes a luscious event for both.
From the sexy G firstname.lastname@example.org
June 22, 2009
In The New York Times Book Review of June 21, 2009, Katie Roiphe wrote a review on a book called, A Vindication of Love, with a subtitle; Reclaiming Romance for the Twenty-First Century by Cristina Nehring (Harper/HarperCollins Publishers). In the article Roiphe said, “In her most provocative and interesting chapters, Nehring argues for the value of suffering, for the importance of failure. Our idea of a contented married ending is too cozy and tame for her.”
I interpret this to mean that chasing after the so-called happily ever after lifestyle is boring and uneventful. Nehring’s concept is unique in this era of self-help books giving us ways in which to find contentment, peace and harmony in relationships.
Roiphe goes on in her book review to say, “Elsewhere, Nehring interrogates our steadfast insistence on balanced healthy relationships, our readiness to condemn doomed, impossible entanglements. She argues that it may in fact be a sign of health to enter into a relationship that is turbulent, demanding or unorthodox. She praises long-distance relationships, arduous relationships, relationships with men who are elusive, relationships the therapeutic culture adamantly opposes.”
In light of that, I have found that a large percentage of those relationships that appear to be in that boring mode of a steady routine and living contentedly is not necessarily true. What you see is not always what you get. There are many turbulent, demanding, phobic commitment people who are married! We just don’t see what’s going on behind closed doors. Women often hide the fact their husbands are having affairs or that they leave for periods of time or insist on taking separate vacations. I dare say, many of these women harbor anger and resentment or sometimes jump into an affair for revenge. The end result is that the anger uses huge resources of energy that depletes the mind and body.
In my opinion, there can be fun and excitement in a relationship that has found a level of contentment. Once the emotional turbulence is subdued, our good emotions can rise to the surface and play out in an uninhibited fashion. There’s lots of joy and adventure to be had once we are freed of the draining emotional burden of wanting to be with someone who is elusive, demanding or makes you feel lonely when you are together.
That level of demonized emotions, where I’m coming from, reduces the flow of creative juices. Too much time is concentrated on the topsy-turvy, unfulfilling relationship. Two people who respect, care and love in a harmonious relationship can be fiery, sensual, fun and allow each to open to new horizons for the other. That can be thrilling and ecstatic.
There’s another issue here. When two people work and must pay for things like shelter, food and braces for kids, they can’t afford the luxury of continent hopping or going to work emotionally and physically wiped out. For example, little pleasures that occur close to home are a blessing for many people and maybe comparable to another person’s hopping a jet plane to chase a defunct Russian prince.
I liken this theory to the one we often hear about artists – that highly neurotic authors, musicians and others of similar ilk are the most creative. Sometimes there’s a perception that even doing drugs or alcohol opens the creative mind. But perhaps, on the flip side, if there were more stability in the lives of these types of artists, they might be more productive.
For myself, if I even have a glass of wine during the day, I immediately feel a deeper level in my thinking is momentarily lost. So the glass of wine is reserved for later in the evening when I’m not working. Perhaps that’s what’s happening with the addicted artists. The addiction of choice is put off until they are finished for the day. But it is much more dramatic to publicize that a work of art was composed during a cocaine trip.
I don’t mean to debunk Nehring’s theory and it can works for a lot of people. Each, in its own way, is cool. IWe have all experienced failures and agonize about them. It’s good to look at the upside of pain, demoralization and grief. We should try to learn to deal with losses and put aside the guilt and emotional debilitation that is often a component of failure. Society applauds success and makes us unhappy if we fail. It’s healthier to look at failure as a learning experience.
I don’t like living a cookie-cutter life either, but I’m coming from a place where I truly believe there can be electrified emotions and bliss within the framework of a harmonious relationship. It just needs attention and work.
The sexy G email@example.com
June 14, 2009
There are many ways that men and women play passive/aggressive games with each other. I’ll speak from the woman’s perspective. You men out there can comment on how you think women behave in this capacity.
Over the years I’ve seen men behave with a seemingly pleasant demeanor on the surface, but detected a mean motivation beneath the words. I’ll give a few examples. Once at a party, a man kept complimenting me on a food item that I’d cooked. I thought his compliments were rather excessive – my cooking isn’t that good. I noticed his wife, a gourmet cook, giving me a dirty look. Then the man leaned over and whispered, “She hates when I compliment someone else.” And he actually giggled. Before I walked away I asked him why he did it if it hurt her. He dismissed me with the wave of his hand.
Another time, I went with a friend and another couple to a rather large home design show. When we got out of the car the husband, a total stranger to me, took my hand and pulled me inside to walk with him and view all the displays. He left his wife behind and never as much as said so long. I was most uncomfortable, and when I looked for his wife she wasn’t anywhere to be found. When we met up an hour or so later, she was furious at me. That’s where women are at fault. They need to look at their spouses as the perpetrators of such unpleasant behavior. (In the car she commented that I was so much older)
Now, here’s what I see as the one of the worst results of this issue. A friend received a call from a gentlemen whom she hadn’t seen in a long time. They had previously gone out for a year and suddenly he had stopped calling. Now he told her he had missed her and very much regretted breaking off the relationship. He’d finally worked up the nerve to call, and she was ecstatic.
With regret that he hadn’t stayed the course with her, he promised that this was it forever and he knew they would be great together, and he would make her happy. He wanted to renew their relationship desperately. She had liked him very much, despite a sometimes chilly demeanor on his part. She dropped the guy she was dating although he seemed to have potential as a kind, loving man. She jumped head first into the new/old relationship and swore to him, at his insistence, it would be exclusive. He gave her the same promise.
Three months into their renewed love affair, he announced that he’d decided he needed to date other women and was no longer interested in being committed. She was far too romantic for him. But that’s the way she had always been. Did he not know himself well enough to understand that he couldn’t handle commitment? Was he selfishly reacting to his momentary need and not thinking about the impact it would have on this woman’s life? Or did he simply lie? This behavior created a disruption to her life, and she lost the man who presented potential before the guy from the past appeared. She had to start the grueling dating process again. True, dating is a dice roll, but this lack of responsibility I find cruel.
She admitted she should have known better for, although the man was compelling in many ways, she put aside her suspicion that he was probably emotionally disconnected and she convinced herself that he had changed. His treatment of her appears to me an act of passive/aggressiveness, but, although she sensed this about him, she wanted to believe he had changed – often a woman’s dilemma.
I strongly feel that there is little difference between men and women when it comes to romance, but men have been programmed to think of romance as a feminine trait or avoid it to punish a woman. It’s too bad many men can’t let loose and enjoy one of life’s great pleasures. But pleasure, of necessity, is a mutually shared quality. I wonder if that is at the crux of the problem. One must give up control in order to share fun.
Sex play prior and post is great and connects a man and a woman emotionally and physically. Is it too romantic for many men? Have so many men lost the ability to have fun? Society has greatly influenced men to be emotionally cut off, imbuing them instead with masculine qualities – sexual conquests, the accumulation of power and money and resistance to nurturing.
Or is it they can get away with bad lovemaking because women are afraid to confront them with suggestions for improvement, fearing that the slightest suggestion will drive their partners away. I’m sure most men know what’s involved in romance — we see it everywhere. But some might deliberately withold it for various reason. Passive/aggressive problems? Control? Maybe all of the above.
Both men and women have romantic needs, but for many men the act of tenderness and gentleness carries the stigma of being pussy-whipped – a most ugly term. If they don’t need romance, then why write longing songs and poetry about it? Why do they feel loneliness and despair just like a woman?
Does it take a really stable man to realize he has to put in effort and thought into the romance game to make it work well? Romancing can be a lot of fun for both. It’s not difficult and the payoff is great. All I ask of men is that they learn the rudiments of foreplay and lovemaking and be open to learning more. Okay? Okay!
The sexy G firstname.lastname@example.org
In all of my blogs, references to actual events have some reality basis but are fictionalized to make the point!
June 8, 2009
Romance creates different images for everyone. Some older women dismiss the very notion of getting involved in a relationship. They are through with sex and, in their minds, having a beau means being a caretaker to an elderly, sick man sooner or later – probably sooner. They might want to take into account that having a wonderful human connection may prolong good health.
Others still want to wear a thong under their clothing every day because they love the sensation of feeling sexy and, then again, you never know when you’ll get lucky. They have candles on the ready, lots of makeup, face creams, body oils, perfumes, wine and food recipes that are designed for romance. They are eager to experiment and look for adventure. So, we’ve got two ends of the spectrum.
Then we find the majority of older women who want companionship or are wired to believe we live in a couple’s kind of world. They have simpler needs and if a little sex is part of the bargain then they’re willing to give in a bit to have their emotional needs met, not necessarily out of desire. It’s a bargain of convenience.
Some mature women retain the image of their type of man that probably has its roots in the kind of attraction that was formed at a very young age – maybe as far back as adolescence or earlier. They don’t quite realize that their type is now in the body of a craggier, heavier, droopier, white-haired or bald man.
Sometimes a man understands the dating dance. If he is coming out of a long term-marriage (or otherwise) he might not remember, know or even want to be involved in a all that goes with a romantic escapade. He’s no longer the young man who once had the rhythm to love dances that was meant to captivate a woman. He’s stuck in his old habits.
As older women, we might want to renew what types we seek. It might do to look at them in the light of day. As one wise man said to me recently that if 75% of what we are looking for is there, that is a good score. As a matter of fact, I’d count 75% as 100%.
If our expectations are unrealistic we are in for a brutal time. At this stage of life, we don’t have the time or energy to waste bemoaning broken romances. That kind of agonizing is meant for younger people. They have time on their side and lots of resilience. Here’s where we older women must draw the line in our romantic pursuits. We need to look a little harder at potential mates and reevaluate old stereotypes from the past.
One of the main reasons most men don’t have to revive courtship skills is because at this advanced age there are so many women to choose from. Ten women to every one man? Twelve maybe? Many older men tend not to be very picky. Some are quite content if the woman doesn’t make demands of any kind. The one who gives them unconditional adoration and a good meal might be all he needs. Don’t forget that if she does most of the domestic chores he’s hit a home run.
Of course, there are a minority of men with a burning desire to capture or recapture that wonderful sizzle that comes from an open, honest, loving and caring togetherness. They still seek adventure and stimulating discoveries – both sensual and intellectual. These are the really cool older (and younger as well) guys. Maybe their numbers have dwindled, but they are not extinct!
A common complaint from women is that they often can’t reach a guy on a deeper level. He wants to keep things on an even keel and not get into too many discussions. For me, it comes down to men being emotionally cut off. They don’t seem to want to act on all the accoutrements that accompany romance. Maybe it starts hours before actual lovemaking. It might involve the touch on the cheek, holding hands, a gentle kiss on the lips, drinking wine, making dinner together, laughing, talking and perhaps a bath or shower together before falling into bed for the finale. Maybe it sounds good to them but they are unwilling to put in the effort.
I have said to groups of people how much I admire a man who wants to be friends first and would actually put off sex until that moment arrives when he feels he’s really connected with a woman. Both men and women laugh at me and say it is not possible to find that guy and some say women don’t even respect that. Even women who claim to want a sensitive man run the other way when they find one. These women, too, are products of our society that has encouraged men to be emotionally cut off. So, all things considered, it’s no wonder men fear showing women the tender side of themselves.
I quote from an article issued by: SYL Dating/SYL Articles/Personals/Dating issues/Mature dating issues, and entitled, “The Best Time of Your Life: Love, Sex and Mature Women, added 10/31/05. “Being a mature woman today in the dating game is not always easy. Although the mature woman still faces many challenges when it comes to love and sexuality, mature women today (for the sake of this discussion let’s place the break-off point at 48) have more options than ever. As the median lifespan for women continues to expand and our society becomes more open to the idea of women’s sexuality, mature women everywhere will hopefully begin to lead more satisfying and fulfilling lives.
“Although dating and sex is often viewed as aspects of life enjoyed primarily by the young, the truth is that most mature women find themselves in the best place in their lives to enjoy loving, sexually gratifying relationships.”
It’s all within the realm of possibility. We, as older women, might have to make adjustments, but we can retain the dream of the earth-shattering romance.
I do have one piece of advice for any man who is interested in dating. DON’T JAM YOUR TONGUE DOWN A WOMAN’S THROAT ON THE FIRST KISS. In general, they hate it. You’ve all heard of foreplay? Yes? It starts gently and then moves on to the tip of the tongue before progressing further. You are sending a message to a woman that you just don’t get it!
The Sexy G email@example.com
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