I’m on a roll here. I can’t seem to reiterate enough how much sex is mostly in the mind before it reaches the body – especially for women. I see a lot of advice by professionals telling women how to get a man. Some say a woman should concentrate on the man and swirl their life around him, giving unconditional adoration and undivided attention. That might mean giving up friends, activities and whatever independence you may have. It might even become necessary to feign orgasms because being honest might drastically reduce the unconditional acceptance part of the equation and chase him away.

Others suggest a woman act indifferent to a man they want to attract. Maybe not quite indifferent but rather send messages that you are interested in him but your life is quite full and if he enters it fine. If he doesn’t, that’s okay too.

You show him that you like him but can certainly live without him. There are other fish in the sea. And never, never, never get uptight when he shows he’s dragging his feet in the relationship. If he stands you up on a date, doesn’t call when he says he will or expresses he’d rather be with the boys on an evening when you two were supposed to be together, brush it off. This kind of man is obviously afraid of commitment and/or intimacy. Your job as a woman is to take away any pressure by seeming to be unflappable and even unobtainable so that he’ll respond by wanting you desperately.

With any scenario of that type, it’s game playing. And there is no way to know which type of male will respond to the varying types of your created endeavors to snag him. What gets me is why does anyone want to be with a man that requires that you arrange your emotions in order to get his attention let alone his involvement?

Let’s say you land the guy by putting on a face that is not really you. You’ve caught him with your feminine wiles, or you’ve challenged and intrigued him with a show of independence that gives you an aura of mystery. You’ve become the object that he must obtain. And when he does capture you, then what? The challenge is over. Does he lose interest? That seems a logical conclusion with that kind of personality. Many men will work hard to get the unobtainable then be bored or disappointed when the reality of every day living sets in. You can’t keep up the suspense forever.

Where does that leave the relationship? Will you subconsciously be resentful when his interest wanes? Don’t quickly say no to that question. It is hard to be aware of how much this deception will affect you. It impacts every aspect of the relationship, including your conversations and lovemaking. I think it must.

Setting up ways to get a man attracts that immature, male delinquents who must be placated in order to rein him in. The overriding question is why do we want these men? It seems to me that down the line when the glitter of courtship is over and your disguise wears off you are left with what you started with – a man who must be hooked by a diversion. What happens when you’ve become too tired to continue and find it impossible to keep up the appearance you used to snag him? He inevitably becomes disappointed and maybe bored because, generally, he is a person who needs what you originally gave him. As a matter of fact, he may be addicted to that kind of behavior.

I’m not pinpointing any one group in particular because this problem cuts across age and socio-economic groups. The difference is that on a higher end scale of income, there are devices that are more subtle that suggest a man has become indifferent due to the fact that the game-playing is over. For example, the man may become a workaholic, golfaholic or find something that keeps him from coming home – maybe a mistress who will use the same trickery to entice him that you once used. Now the lovemaking in the relationship becomes intermittent or non-existant or at the worst, awful when it does occur. The cycle of anger has begun and with it the demise of the relationship.

Maybe it’s too simplistic, but I think we have to give the most honest face to a man from the beginning, and if it works, fine. If it doesn’t move on until you find that person who sees the great person you are. I think you have a better chance of success with a pure and simple approach. Once you’ve found what you want, be yourself, and put a good deal of effort into making that relationship work. And expect, no demand, that he does the same for you. Make the bedroom your oasis to escape the worst aspects of daily living. Be upfront when he is not pleasing you in lovemaking. If being straightforward upsets him and chases him away, he’s not the one for you. In my opinion when you start on a playing field of dishonesty, the chances of it winning are slim.

The Sexy G                                                                              franuc@aol.com

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While we are on the topic of women and sex, I have been thinking about some issues that enter the equation that need to be addressed. Finding the answers will be extremely difficult. The brain is the quintessential sex toy, but is complicated beyond words by rearing, caretakers, movies, books, advertisements, and numerous other factors. We are affected and sensitized from early childhood on. 

I have heard women say they have a low sex drive or none. Many women concede that it’s not just because they are older that they have lost umph, but they were that way throughout their lives. What is going on? Are they naturally lacking in desire or have societal restrictions through they years acted as a damper. Or are both situations at work?

Dr. Meredith Chivers, received her Ph.D from Northwestern University in 2003 in Clinical Psychology. In an online publication, Clinical Psychology Residency Program (Predoctoral Internship Training at St. Joseph’s Healthcare, Hamilton), this was said: “Dr. Chiver’s clinical interests focus on sexuality and include assessment and treatment of sexual compulsion/addiction, paraphilias, gender identity disorder, and sexual dysfunction. Her current projects focus on sex differences in sexual psychophysiology. Her program of research has demonstrated that female sexual arousal is nonspecific, whereas, in males, sexual arousal is strongly related to sexual orientation.”

In another online publication, Transsexual Road Map, said this about the study: “The arousal study showed that while watching pornography men had a one-sided arousal pattern – straight men were aroused by clips with women, gay men by those with men. But females in the study, straight or gay, were aroused by both male and female sex acts.” Dr. Chivers conducted the study with Northwestern University‘s Psychology Professor J. Michael Bailey.

From my perspective, it seems there is still a lot of work to be done in assessing the arousal of women because we don’t know exactly to what extent women are affected by societal views. I still see that there is a stigma attached to women who are highly passionate or merely enjoy sex and seek it freely. No matter how liberated we think we are, there is an underlying judgment made that she is too loose and easy. The same is not true of a man. If this is the case, then the question is how can heterosexual female desire ever be measured accurately?

Even with the evolved man of today, it seems to me that because men are aroused more quickly, despite how much they know about the disparity between men and women, they, by and large, fail to give a woman enough time and stimulation to catch up during love making.

Some women will fake pleasure and ultimately become indifferent to sex while others take more proactive measures. Several women have told me they “prepare” themselves in anticipation of a sexual encounter whether it is with a mate, sex buddy or casual date. They will stimulate themselves to the edge of orgasm and then stop. In this way, they are able to avoid the frustration of depending on a man to give them the time and effort they need to be satisfied.

I have to wonder if women feel put upon about this or if slivers of anger filter into the bedroom. Perhaps it works for some, but others who are resentful might not be able to climax or enjoy the act. Again, it is mostly the mind, especially for women, that spells joy or disaster. But how do you factor in this aspect? Perhaps measurements in such a delicate area needs to be done individually with deep psychoanalysis before a picture can be drawn.

This is a topic we need to pursue further.

The sexy G                                                          franuc@aol.com

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To all you single ladies out there – don’t be glum that you’re without a significant other on this day. Sadly, all the hoopla around one of the most commercial days of the year can bring you down. It’s just another day, and there are things you can do to cheer yourself up. Call other single friends who are at loose ends, and do some fun things. Or, you can do them yourself.

You can go the traditional route and have a gathering, take yourself shopping for something different and exciting or get some DVD’s you’ve been wanting to see. All you’ll need to go with that scenario is some chocolate fudge ice cream, the kind you’ve been dreaming about.

If you’re feeling less self-indulgent, you can be a do-gooder by helping in a soup kitchen, distribute blankets to the homeless or visit old people in a nursing home and read them the classics. Perhaps you have an elderly neighbor you can transport to doctor’s office or a harried single mom in the neighborhood who can use a free sitter for two hours.

But, you might want to do something dramatically different. The ideas I’m about to present are fictional, but just imagine the fun and havoc you could achieve on this commercial-driven, man-made day of romance by behaving unconventionally. Here’s how, in your head, you can romp through the day, thumbing your nose at the defined rules of behavior and, at the same time, reveal some rampant hypocrisy.

Think what fun you’d have if you gathered your buddies and took them to a porno store. There are so many sex-toys to look at and buy, but be sure they are practical as well. You might want to try them out later that night.

Take some homeless people in and let them take a bubble bath. Then send them on their way with a nice dinner and a gallon of wine. Don’t be concerned about indulging their vices for one day. You don’t think that by denying some street beggars a few dollars that you know they’ll use to buy booze or drugs you’ll put them on the straight and narrow.

Here’s another suggestion. You have to work fast before the management realizes what you’re up to. Instead of putting the nursing home residents to sleep reading to them, bring some porno flicks. That will get their attention. Hey, you might even want to bring some of the items from the sex shop for a show and tell.

The old folks will certainly find your efforts a fun counterpoint to their routine and boring days designed by the powers that be. Whoever assumed old people love boredom? The problem is, if you shove that controlled lifestyle down their throats (along with a bunch of meds), you’re bound to produce zombies who don’t give you any trouble. Makes the job a hell of a lot easier.

As a special treat, get a bullhorn and stand in front of an upscale restaurant where there are couples dining specifically to celebrate this day. Demand that the patrons announce out loud when was the last time they communicated on a deeper level or said nice things to each other? When was the last time either person did something really romantic or special for their partner without being prodded by a designated day? How many were nice to their children this past week, month, year? Ask for a show of hands at how many were having an adulterous affair? Of course, you won’t get anyone to stand and confess, but before the police haul you away, you might see lots of reddened, sheepish faces inside the place.

If you left many things unsaid with an ex, now’s the time to leave a long message on his voice mail telling him how you feel about him. Hopefully, you’re through with the relationship, but this might ease any misgiving you had about him and give you closure.

Are Mom and Dad on your case about being single? Maybe you want to call and tell them how afraid you are of duplicating their miserable marriage that you had to live through every day until you were finally able to leave their house.

Enough ideas for one day. Have fun on Valentine’s Day!!! 

The sexy G                                                                           franuc@aol.com

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 From the University of Chicago News Office, “First comprehensive national survey charts sexual behavior among older adults” comes this startling revelation…

“Data from the University of Chicago‘s National Social Life, Health and Aging Project (NSHAP), presented in the August 23, 2007, issue of the New England Journal of Medicine, showed that many men and women remain sexually active – participating in vaginal intercourse, oral sex and masturbation – well into their 70s and 80s.”

I hope this is not news to many of you, but I venture to say it will be for most. Now here’s the rub (no pun intended). The survey went on to say, “Many medical conditions and treatments can interfere with sexuality. American men spend more than a billion dollars each year on medications to improve sexual function. Despite such frequent problems, few older men (38%) and even few women (22%) had discussed sex with a physician since age 50, the researchers found. Men were more likely to do so, perhaps because effective drugs are available. Nearly 1 in 7 men (14%) reported taking medication to improve sexual function.”

Based on my own experiences and those of other mature people, a large number of doctors are not knowledgeable on the subject of mature sex. And even if a doctor is sensitized to the elderly and sexuality, he/she is reluctant to broach the subject. Perhaps it’s too close to home for many physicians under the age of fifty to ask mature patients about their sexual activity or lack of it. It might be too much like asking your parents or grandparents if they still indulge and to what extent.

Nonetheless, they are professionals who have an obligation to broach the subject of sexuality just as they would ask about a patient’s diet or lifestyle. It is generally accepted that continuing sexual activity (whether via a partner or masturbation) is healthy to mind and body. This, to me, is as important as lowering your blood pressure.

I remember an acquaintance once telling me that she complained to her doctor that her husband rarely made love to her. He replied that she shouldn’t be too concerned for once she reached 50 she’d lose her sex drive anyway. Talk about sensitivity.

As for myself, I had to research and broach the topic with my doctor of using a product that kept vaginal membranes from drying out with age. My physician at the time was only too happy to inform me that with or without engaging in sex, it is healthier for older women to use a certain cream. My question is, why did I  have to bring it up? Even after that discussion, on subsequent appointments, I was never asked if I had become sexually active.

I wonder how many doctors have become informed since the data was published in the New England Journal of Medicine? And of those who were, how many have changed their methods of questioning elderly patients? I would venture to guess not too many. When I told people about the study, professionals, etc., they kind of snickered and doubted the validity of the study.

Everyone must advocate for themselves. Don’t be afraid to ask your doctor intimate questions. You have to know what’s available to help further sexual pleasure. For instance, many older women complain about pain on intercourse. That can be helped with lubricants among other things. As a lay person, I have informed countless women about these available aids. Most of them had never been told by their doctor that such products exist.

There is Viagra and penile implants for men, but it seems males have less of a problem finding alternatives and/or procedures to help them to have a better sex life. Also, doctors seem to talk more willingly to men about those delicate subjects than he/she would a woman.

WOMEN GET OUT THERE AND SHOUT ABOUT IT FROM THE MOUNTAIN TOP.  DEMAND THE SAME ATTENTION AS MEN GET. IF YOU DO, PERHAPS THEY’LL FIND A COMPARABLE VIAGRA FOR WOMEN A LITTLE FASTER.

The Sexy G                                                 for comments: franuc@aol.com

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