When I read fiction written by men it astonishes me that
there are so many instances where the male species shows little respect for
women. So many times the male protagonists treat important women in their lives
poorly or are emotionally distant from her. It’s like she’s a throwaway and is
easily exchangeable with the next one in line.

For instance, let’s say I’m reading a novel where a woman is
given an important role. It might be in the area of law enforcement,
professional, business or whatever. Then a man enters the picture. The female
immediately takes a secondary role and might even be asked to get coffee or help
a man on with his coats. She then looks to him as the one who completes the project
or solves the problems while she pitters around as his sidekick.

Often in novels written by men, women are treated like sluts
or saints. Frankly, if these impressions are accurate, I’d rather be placed in
the slut category. The saints become stereotypical brainless, unconditionally
adoring and mommies. What is it with you guys? You can’t take your frustrations
out in fiction. When you paint a portrait of an important male character that
is depicted as a kind and ethical person and then he turns around and berates,
verbally abuses or treats the woman in his life as though she’s a hardly a factor, it makes me angry.

In fiction, women tend to romanticize bad boys that at the
end change into sensitive, gentle, caring, kind but strong men who retain their
masculinity. Yes, it works in fiction. But it is not reality. Some changes might
occur. But it is rare when a woman puts in the effort to effect change and
succeeds in raising her man to treat her as a true equal.

Perhaps women in real life enable men to behave this way because
in the back of her mind she thinks she is going to change him. You have to
remember that frequently it’s too late once you’ve given him a taste of your subservience.
Men seem to want life unchanged while women fight for change – a most
contentious situation.

My opinion is for women to stand up from day one. Say who
you are! If he doesn’t like it, you might consider getting out of the
relationship because chances are you will not like the role you will be asked
to play. If you stay and concede to the unspoken rules you, more than likely, won’t
be able to keep contained indefinitely. If you rebel it is more than likely you
will be fighting constantly and eventually one or the other will leave – you
hope. Otherwise, remaining in an unstable, emotionally debilitating relationship
is demoralizing.

I had a very nice husband, but he did need some “encouragement”
to rise up above the macho, controlling nonsense. I was younger and more
patient when I started the job of raising him. I was lucky and he came through.
I won’t do it again at this stage of my life. No more raising men. A man once
told me it was the duty of women to help men be civil. WHAT?

I expect a man to have gained insight into his behavior on
his own and matured before he enters a relationship with me. We all have some quirky
and juvenile qualities, but it can be handled when the basic maturity is there.

Balancing equality between the sexes is a great danger zone
for relationships, but a necessary ingredient for it to be fulfilling and
satisfactory.

The Sexy G                                               
for comments: franuc@aol.com

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Does the title of this blog have a familiar ring to it? So many
books and articles are popping up all over the place on this topic – hundreds
upon hundreds. It’s all about new
approaches to how to get a man and keep him. New approaches my foot. All I see
in this excess of words, pushing women into retro dating. I’m really
shocked. It’s a retread of old, tired methods.

I did mention in another in another blog, a tad tongue in
cheek, that the best way to a man’s heart is through his ego. Give him
unconditional adoration and you’ll get him. Now, mind you, that is not for
every man, but it does apply to a large segment of males, even many relatively
stable ones. Well, that’s only a small part of it.

Women are being told to resort to the good old-fashioned
methods of snagging a guy. Some say make sure you wear sexy nightgowns at
night, wear that thong and put that make up on even at bedtime. Never mind when
your man walks around looking scruffy, with his big belly hanging over a pair
of tatty boxer shorts, and socks. 

One article suggests a woman think about a variety of upbeat
subjects to talk about with your man in the evenings. Don’t bring up reality,
like who is taking the kids to school, picking them up and going to the soccer
game. Heaven forbid that women, after a grueling day at work, dare interrupt
their hubby’s TV sports watching to address the issue of the massive mound of
laundry and the empty pantry.

The directive I loved
said that if a woman wants to keep a relationships intact, don’t question your
man’s opinions and don’t ever refuse
him sex. Cook the delicious meals he loves and don’t rock the boat about your
problems, needs or any crisis on the horizon.

And when courting, she should play a little hard to get. Wait for him to
contact you and then don’t always be available. Refuse to go out with him on a
Saturday night if he calls later than Wednesday. Don’t always answer his calls
right away. But when you’re together, paste that smile on your face and do the
unconditional adoration stunt. What the hell is this all about?

I thought we’d done away with those out-dated notions that a
man will chase a woman until she catches him — by deception. Didn’t game-playing in
relationships go out of with gas lights? Once you get into manipulations to
snare/keep someone in a committed relationships and/or marriage you have
established expectations that might prove impossible to maintain.

When the reality of everyday life hits on a daily basis, not to mention having children
who up the ante of domestic responsibility, game-playing goes out the window.
Then things can get ugly. Because divorce is common, and there’s
always a lineup of women who are ready to compete in the catch-a-man Olympics,
men subtly drop hints that their woman had better shape up or ship out. The
emotional devastation on couples and children in this event is devastating.
Many women live in terror of being dumped.

This fear of abandonment is a very real psychological issue
and strikes terror in the hearts of overworked and overwhelmed mothers. Women are
usually quite aware that their partner might stray to a younger, unencumbered
woman if they don’t deliver. Yes, he’ll
find a woman with no liabilities who is available. Then he marries her, and she may
be number two or three. Often, what she wants is security and a child or two.
Then the burden of the real world enters the picture and the façade of
unconditional adoration fades because it is too hard to keep up forever. By
then, the male learns the outcome of the lesson too late. I can’t tell you how
many times a man has said to me that his second/third/fourth marriage is not
any better than the first. Or, as one man once said, “I rate my second marriage a
C-.”

In light of this new problem facing the modern woman who is honest and tells it like it is, she is more
than likely to butt up against the retro desires that many men have found
impossible to shed. Of course, they will give lip service and deny vehemently
that they are sexist, but are often not being honest with themselves.

I know a young couple where the man wants to leave his wife
and four children who are all under the age of eight. He says it’s because she can’t
find time in her life for him, and he needs to be attended to. Well, if you’d step up to the plate and do your
share at home, dude, she might give you a lot more than attention. Studies have
shown that men have more sex when they are active participants in attending to mandatory
household needs.

Now there are many people out there who give professional advice on how to win and keep your man. There is a
whole new set of rewritten directives blaring to women from every corner,
whether the counselor is credentialed or not. Honest women who are direct and refuse to indulge in artifice are being blasted for doing
everything wrong and told they deserve to lose their man.

I’d hate for women to universally accept the nonsense
bombarding them about returning to another era. They have to be strong and
unite. No one, except for young children, gets unconditional love. Everyone is
responsible for their actions and behaviors and must answer for mistakes made.

Again,
I hark back to early childhood training. We have to redesign toys, children’s
movies and books to eliminate the underground currents of sexism that now
exists. In addition, mentors must become aware and practice equality.

The sexy G                                               
comments to: franuc@aol.com

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Should we use our heads or hearts when choosing a mate? There
are a percentage of people who go into a relationship based on the initial response of
their romantic chemistry and it works. On the other hand, so many more of us go
into relationships using the same emotional draw and it is a disaster. I have a
strong opinion in this debate that usually stimulates a good bit of
disagreement.

Unfortunately, the unconscious longings that compel us to impulsively
react to the wrong mate usually go unrecognized by most of us. Rather than deal
with what compels strong emotional feelings toward someone, we simply label it
as mysterious romantic chemistry. Even
with some vague inklings of impending disaster, we might still go with the raw instinct that propels us. Not dealing with the issues is an easy way
out of taking responsibility for choosing unwisely. If we become aware of the elements
within ourselves that produce this allure, we are in a position to make better
decisions. In other words, we can’t depend exclusively on this magical,
supposedly inexplicable emotional/psychological response.   

We all know that our romantic chemistry can lead us astray,
and it very often does. Too many people are reluctant to use rational thinking
to choose a partner. Just look at the divorce rate. Perhaps the relationship that has all the markings of success might lack the hot sizzle that excites us. 

Well, if you depend on experiencing the thrill — anticipation
to see that person a lot, inability to sleep or eat, miserable when that
person is out of reach, and walking on air, then think a little
about this. Your attraction might be coming from unrecognized, distorted
unconscious needs. It will be the reason why you lose the fascination after time, and with
no solid foundation, the entire relationship might come crashing down. Remember, even when things are going well, the dazzle will inevitably soften or move into a calmer rhythm.

Now back to the question of using our hearts or heads in
choosing a partner. It is a forever ongoing battle. If you have had multiple
bad relationships that began with mindless magnetism, you might want to
consider going into the next relationship thinking with your head on straight. You must
attempt to deeply examine what the attraction was that led you astray with the others.

Are you picking the same type of person in different disguises?
For instance, is it always someone who is the opposite of yourself? That can be
fun for a while, but ultimately, irritating. Are your choices someone who is abusive
in some way – verbal, emotional distance or otherwise? Think hard about this
one because abuse comes in many different forms. Give pause to examine the reasons for your choice before proceeding to the next selection.

We must examine expectations in a relationship very
carefully. Are you going into this with eyes wide open, devoid of unrealistic
fantasies? Do we have expectations within the realm of possibility? We must be aware
that a mate will not replace a parent’s inadequacies nor can you expect
unconditional adoration or the temporary razzle-dazzle of bad boys/girls. Bad boys/girls,
generally, are into themselves. Why in the world, if they are not
compassionate, empathetic people when you first meet, would you expect them to
give those qualities later? 

I prefer using the mind more than heart in an attempt to avoid future pain. If
you find yourself involved with a potential mate for which there is not a lot
of allure, try adding up their good
qualities. Then balance them against the negatives. If the positive side is
much longer and healthier, this is where you probably should be. In
my estimation, loyalty outlasts any early attraction fraught with electrical charges. It is not
far-fetched to develop an exciting love/excitement atmosphere, given time, with someone who is kind, caring and on a
similar wave length. And, in the best scenario, if this person
aligns well between having some romantic chemistry and a long list of good
qualities – it’s a go!

The sexy G                                                             
comments to: franuc@aol.com

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