It appears that the institution of marriage is in a state of
chaos and flux. There is a plethora of opinions, research and documentation about
the so-called sanctity of marriage or
lack of it. Why do we call it sacred? Do the words catch in our throats and
give us expectation of heavenly events? Are we expecting our spouses to be
saintly or that the ritual will completely transform our lives? It is
undeniable that the institution of marriage is in turmoil today and approximately
fifty percent of sacred unions end in
divorce, not to mention that an even larger number of second and third
marriages suffer the a demise at even greater proportions. In addition, it is
estimated that a huge number of those who remain together are unhappy.  

In Courant.com, an article was published entitled, Wedlock
Unlocked, by Joann Klimkiewicz. Klimkiewicz is a staff writer at the Hartford
Courant and previously worked as a suburban correspondent at the Philadelphia
Inquirer. She had this to say: “The studies and statistics, percentages and pie
charts come at a steady clip. We’ve barely finished probing and understanding
one set when we’re already wringing our hands over another.”

Can marriage and relationships be evolving as quickly as the
short-shelf-life that electronic devices have? I’d have to say I believe that is true. That’s the impression
that I get from reading and my own observations.  

Klimkiewicz’s article gave some startling statistics.
“Americans continue to delay marriage, with the average first-time marrying age
now 27 for men and 26 for women. A record number of single women over 35 are
having children outside of marriage. Divorce and cohabitation are widespread,
so now married couples are in the minority of U.S. households – just 49.7
percent, according to the U.S. Census Bureau.”

It is odd that many people go into marriage without a
thought given to the reality of what might be in store. The nearly obligatory big wedding celebration
seems to unleash dreams of being in the limelight for one night to display your catch,
and for that people are willing to mortgage their homes and/or go into serious debt to spend umpteen
thousands of dollars. There is usually a cast of hundreds to watch. All too often, the marriage ends within a short period of years.

It is possible that the initial dazzle of courtship and the
culmination of the wedding sets us up for a major disappointment. During the
mating ritual, each person is on their best behavior, adoring and blissfully in
love. Foibles and annoyances are generally overlooked. I suspect it is the sacredness that is expected to last
forever? No harm will come and bliss will follow for the rest of your days.
This seems to be the concept lodged firmly in the conscious, semi-conscious and
conscious mindset. If one or the other sees problems beforehand, they often
believe that once into marriage they will be able to change their partners and
make them holy and wonderful.

What about the issues of dirty laundry, food shopping, house
cleaning, finances, and bills? Uneven work loads outside the home and within
make for abrasive bedfellows. In reality, very few of us change and resentment
builds. That wonderful carefree life is gone. Add on the new expectations expected once
married, and you have a recipe for disaster.

To complicate matters more, children may enter the scene.
Many men, even today, don’t handle the infant responsibilities well. Men often
complain that with children in the picture they are no longer the focus of attention in the home. This can make them vulnerable to the manipulative
wiles of women searching for security in exchange for giving hot sex and
unconditional adoration – until perhaps they marry.

Gentlemen, what did you expect when you had kids? If you pitched in and
created a harmonious exchange of tasks with your wife, you’d do a lot better
all around and especially in the bedroom. There is nothing more seductive than
a man doing domestic chores without being asked or nagged to do his part. When the division of labor is not equal, there
is nothing worse than trying to make love to a furious mate. Sometimes, this
is the place where the label  frigid wife emerges. It may or may not
be accurate.

It seems to me that women in particular
tend to overlook flaws in the courtship phase hoping that once that magical
piece of paper is signed, all bad things will go away. Somehow, marriage is
supposed to produce a safe haven for instituting change in a mate. I strongly
suggest that these issues are ironed out prior to the ceremony. If not, the
intense regimen of trying to change him can be grueling to both partners. The
husband has every reason to harbor resentment at this new aspect emerging from
his spouse’s personality. After all, she accepted and adored him before marriage.  

To better understand some of fears toward marriage today,
let’s go back in time. Maggie Gallagher, director of the marriage program at
the Institute for American Values says this: “During the 1950s and early 1960s,
the war against marriage was a male-dominated campaign launched by the Beats
and Playboy philosophers against the man in the gray flannel suit who went to
work for a faceless corporation to support a whining wife and a passel of
bratty kids in the suburbs…By the late 1960s and early 1970s, some radicalized
women had picked up the cudgels. Joining those militant feminists was a wide
range of allies: population controllers, Marxist ideologues, apostles of the
sexual revolution. These combined forces launched a far more wide-ranging and
powerful assault on marriage, not just as a sexual constraint but as a lifelong
parenting bond.”

There are many other theories about what goes wrong in a
marriage. One that I find fascinating has to do with the unconscious selection
of a spouse who duplicates the most distressing characteristics of one’s
parent, parents or caretakers. This can contribute to determining that mysterious romantic chemistry. We
are attracted to the potential mate and, in that way, we are given an
opportunity to try to correct that attribute that disturbed us growing up. For instance,
we select emotionally disconnected spouse because the parent behaved that way.
In this way, we get a second chance change that person and get what was missing in childhood. The problem is that if our mate comports themselves in a way the past is reawakened with a vengeance, especially if we are unable to make the person emotionally connected. Let’s face it, most times, that is an impossible task. And then begins
the downward spiral of a defeated relationship. You might even say that
marriage was doomed from day one, and no amount of cajoling, pleading,
pushing will change the situation.

I like to think marriage is not necessarily obsolete or
headed on a straight path to self-destruct, but rather that it is evolving. In
the past, cookie-cutter marriages were the norm and deviations kept secret. Marriage was expected to  fit neatly within
certain boundaries and everyone required to adhere to the same set of rules.
Society still seems to want to rein everyone in to fit the patterns laid out for us
over many centuries, and we are encountering resistance because it is in dire need of fixing. Many social, political and religious dictates have become
untenable in this modern world. There is a tug-of-war between people already
making drastic changes and the ones who insist on keeping the institution of
marriage unaltered. If there is no change, it will indeed render a large
segment of the population even more resistant to marrying.  

Rather, I believe, everyone has to make their own contract,
determine what works for them. Perhaps before we see healthier attitudes toward
the sacred institution of marriage, we
need to go into the schools and teach elementary school children about
relationships, and continue all the way through to college.

The sexy G       email: franuc@aol.com

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Contrary to popular belief, aging has many advantages – even
though the time left is shorter. Today, many mature adults have relatively good
health, vigorous energy and few physical limitations. With these factors, life can
glide as smooth as an Olympic figure skater. Perhaps many people don’t believe
that, but I subscribe to it passionately. Aging, if we’re lucky, happens to all of
us. Each and everyone one of us will be very happy to reach a viable old age
rather than the alternative. I rejoice in the many redemptive qualities of being
mature.

In the upper reaches of age, there is so much to do and not
enough time in the day to do it all. I choose to write my guts out for the most
part, but I can still choose to learn a language, take educational courses, get a
part-time job, travel, volunteer to help children/elderly, join the Peace Corp,
hang glide, parachute jump (well, the last two are very possible, but I’m a
coward), or do anything I want.

Raising loving, successful children was wonderful and not
without the trying moments that, fortunately, were few and far between. My
grandchildren are bright, funny, and adorable. They are curious and great company. But raising hell is what it’s
about now. My grandkids are the responsibility of their parents. I get together
with them, even play baseball, but they go back to the parents for the hard
work. Now I get the froth.

It would be very hard to go back to my previous life. Back
then, I not only raised children, I raised my husband as well. He came from a
more traditional background that included fairly rigid gender roles.

I recall him saying very early in our marriage that the emotional
success of a relationship depends mostly on the woman. His mother ironed his
underwear and socks, for heaven’s sake! She tried to encourage me to do the
same. Right! Although I accepted some of the out-dated notions of a woman’s
place in the world, when my mother-in-law offered to teach me the best methods
for housecleaning, I had the sense to politely decline.

Nonetheless, I bought into the traditional concept to a
large extent. My emotional needs went on hold when I married and I found myself
needy and clingy. I looked to my spouse for emotional sustenance while I made
his home life free of stress. After all, he had a career. That was the deal.
I’d be dependent on him, and he would be the provider. 

Then – BAM!! I was on the cusp of the Women’s Movement, and slowly
made dramatic changes in my thinking. I dragged my husband into the world of
equality for women. He resisted mightily and tried to dig his heels into the
dirt as I pulled him along. Ultimately, he joined up, but only after tenacious recruitment.

Time passed, and I’m now widowed for several years, I moved
into Center City Philadelphia. The city is more welcoming to a single person
than the suburbs. I especially enjoy walking long distances, seeking out
cultural and entertainment venues, watching the passing scene or finding bars
with fun happy hours. A terrific range of activities are open to me, and I’m
willing to boogey until my tits fall off.

So, everything is looking up. What’s the problem? A question
keeps popping up into my mind. Let’s say I’m dating a man, and we are really
into each other. What if he wants us to be together more than just weekends? Will
I have to raise another man in my life? I worry that marriage or living together
changes the rules. What I fear most is having someone around 24/7 and having to worry about
his happiness.

In the past, I found myself responsible for my husband’s
well-being, and his mood swings. Early on the purpose of my being was to make my
mate happy, and I cast around constantly to achieve that. Stand on my head?
Make funny faces? Plan every single moment so that my partner has only to wake
up, go to work and come home to an oasis. Perhaps that won’t happen in a
live-in situation today, but am I willing to take the chance? When couples of
all ages live together or marry, the rules seem to change, but it is much more
of an issue among my male contemporaries.

Weekend dates seem ideal to me because I don’t have concerns
about who does what chores and separate finances are easier than trying to merge
them. There is no quiet resentment about being accountable for every second of
my time. If I am with a man who is a part-time lover and he makes a serious
financial or family blunder I am very understanding. If someone were to move in
with me and share everything, then decisions must be made jointly. If one or
the other decides something major independently it then affects both of us. If that happens and it goes wrong, anger
builds and slices into the good feelings. The underlying resentment seeps into
the bedroom as well.

So, why would I ask for double trouble? Living apart and
being free to see friends or attend activities on my own seems ideal. And there
is wonderful anticipation waiting to see him. Weekends together are like a series
of mini-honeymoons without the load of everyday baggage. When together after being
apart all week it’s all about fun, good conversation, nice wine, candlelight
dining and the occasional play, movie or jazz club. I’ve arrived at a time of
my life with a narrower window of time, but free to make decisions that enhance
my life. It may sound selfish but his happiness is up to him as is mine. At
this stage of life, we don’t need a neurotic interdependence where each expects
the other to make it all wonderful. No one can do that for you. You must come
to a relationship fully equipped with your own tools for happiness.

My take on a love affair at this later stage of life is that
it should be part-time. Living together or marrying is verboten. Am I going to
have his children? Don’t think so! So, why take on complications that can breed ill
will?

In my last move, I disposed of numerous accumulations and went
into smaller quarters. Also, I disposed of friends and acquaintances that used
up too much of my precious energy – you know, the ones that vacuum your entire
emotional reservoir and give nothing in return.

I broke out my conventional mode of dress and changed my
wardrobe to more informal and trendy clothing – free-flowing, colorful skirts,
V-necked over-blouses, shorter lengths and more cleavage showing. Oddly, even
my new style of dressing has given me a greater sense of freedom.

I never realized until it was upon me that I earned the
right to live a more impetuous, spontaneous life. Of course, I still need daily
organization, but I set it up on my own terms. I sometimes wonder if I will
ever want anything that needs me in a big way again whether animal, human or
inanimate object. It is something I have to think long and hard about.

Do I feel a guilty about creating barriers in my life to a
more give-and-take, everyday relationship? Well, no. Not while the fun lasts.  

The sexy G

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