Yes, many older women do talk dirty. They might discuss the
presidential campaign, and the war in Iraq, but then it’s right back to the business
of what’s hot about current boyfriends or maybe other matters related to sexual
issues — often in a humorous context.

They want details:  First,
can he do it (a good question at this stage)? How often? Positions? Creativity in bed? Is
he adventurous? Does he make sure you have an orgasm? Is he slow (in all
probability out of necessity)? Does he like foreplay? Is he gentle? Do you do
oral? Does he romance you at dinner? Do you shower together? Do you do phone
sex? How about fantasies? Is there dirty talk during love-making? When do you
do it – first, second, third date, much
later or not at all. Dating for many of us is new, coming out of divorces or
into widowhood. We find ourselves clueless about modern dating behavior. Worst of all, we’re dragging with us behavioral dictates from the past.

Women might even ask about a man’s performance after having
been treated for prostate cancer – a big issue for us. The usual
treatments have been known to leave a man with some sexual dysfunction. With an
open mind, it’s not necessarily a downer. That’s where the creativity part
comes in.

More than likely, older women discuss questions about preparation
for a date with when they’ve become intimate with a man. The preparation is a bit
more labored because we need to get ready in a different way than when we were
younger. I’ve found that, in my interviewing, more women than not go for a
bikini wax or shave in private places prior to the big event.

There’s the requisite thorough scrubbing of all body parts,
the body lotions and primping. Added to this might be a skin-tone concealer over
a discoloration here and there. I depend on an older man’s eyesight being
somewhat less acute, and, often, the volume of whispering sweet nothings has to
be ramped up a notch or two. 

Because our responses have slowed down a bit, some women
have admitted to a tad of self-stimulation just before the date arrives so they
can better coordinate the big bang. Am I in this elite group? I won’t tell.
There was a terrific implosion when women who were once traditional
and reserved decided to let it all hang out (in the figurative sense). They
revel in the freedom of sharing slivers of their secret lives they’d never dreamed of
doing before. For many, it is like a breath of fresh air being unshackled from sexual repression.

We are talking about women in their 50’s, 60’s and plus who
are products of that earlier era. When free-loving of the 1960’s hit, a slew of
women walked the edges of this new world or silently watched from a distance.
They were young when the sexual revolution came out of the closet with a huge
bang. The sudden shift to a society overtly accepting sexuality
among unmarried people got rammed down their throats (not meant to
be a pun). The Sexual Revolution hit the ground running.

This era ushered in sex clubs where you could get any possible
configuration of people. Key clubs popped up, private parties where a bunch of
people you knew (but not necessarily) dropped keys in two bowls – male/female. Individuals
randomly picked one key and bedded the owner. These parties seem dated now in
an atmosphere of permissiveness with little to no chastising.

In the University
of Florida News, November
29, 2004, extracts of Professor Alan Petigny’s research, UF study: sexual
revolution began with ‘silent generation’ of ‘40s and ‘50s, were quoted by the
writer, Cathy Keen. Professor Petigny is a University of Florida
history professor. He said, “People didn’t start having sex because Elvis
Presley was shaking his hips or because Hugh Hefner came out with Playboy. After 15 years of Depression
and war, there was also a desire on the part of Americans to live in the moment
and enjoy life, and they were accordingly less likely to defer to traditional
restraints on their behavior.”

This might have applied to a segment of the population, but
a great number of women at that time adhered to the old restrictions of refraining
from having sex until they married. I can clearly remember being told that I wouldn’t be able to get a good husband if I wasn’t a virgin. I’d be shunned as unmarriageable,
and known as a fast woman. And, once used, I’d be promptly dumped and labeled a
slut. We were brainwashed to keep hymens intact – or else.  

This concept was reinforced by movies of the fifties – I
like to call it the Chaste Syndrome. The message I got from those pictures was
that the financially strapped main female character who usually abstained, in
the end got the gorgeous hunk, beautiful clothes, exotic makeup, a luxurious
home filled with top shelf booze and gourmet food – the rewards of being the
proverbial “good girl.”

As a young kid and coming from a poor background, I found
that intriguing. Was that all a woman had to do – reign in sexually until the
right moment and everything good comes to you? It took quite a while until I found
out that mistresses often do a lot better than the “little woman.”  

“The crucial distinction between the ‘40s and ‘50s and the
1960s are in differences between conventions and conduct – what people said
versus what they did,” Petigny said. “During the ‘60s, Americans simply were
more willing to acknowledge the extracurricular sexual activities of the young
than they had been during the previous decades.”

Now they tell me. I really thought the majority of older teenagers
of my era were as misinformed as I was, and kept their virginity intact. Well,
blow me down (again no pun intended). Yet, the mores of abstinence for the
female population created havoc, probably for many years to come. Often, after
marriage, they were not expected or invited to enjoy sex. Instead the role the
played was to pleasure their husbands in addition to having the home cooked
dinners ready along with iced cocktail when the the man of the house came home
from work.  

Against this backdrop, it’s no wonder many older women have
broken out of their shells and talk dirty. Some of us have become foul-mouthed,
wild and crazy women and love it. We enjoy saying fuck and do the dirty deed as well. Of course, there any number of
my female contemporaries who verbally adhere to the mores of the ‘50’s for the
sake of what they call propriety (whatever that means) and fear of what others
may think about them. I ask those who fit this category to please not judge
others. For one thing, you might be engaging in similar activities behind closed doors.
If you do happen to indulge when no one is looking, have a good time.

For myself, and I think I speak to a large number of mature
women, I’ve entered the age where I want to
enjoy life to its fullest without harming a soul. I’ve spent too many years listening to self-styled
pedagogues yapping about decorous behavior while quite a few them didn’t adhere
to their own principles.

Advanced age has freed me up to run naked into the night
(please forget about body image). The worst you can accuse me and my cohorts of
is senility, a good cover for having fun and doing what we want when we want.

It’s a window of freedom for us, and I intend to go kicking
until the last possible moment.

If you’d like to contact me, write to my e-mail
address:  franuc@aol.com.
I appreciate any and all comments – positive or negative

.

The sexy G      

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There is a repetitive cry among single women, whether very
young, youngish, middle-aged or mature. Many women complain that a large number
of men they meet are emotionally detached. I’ve experienced that myself where men
don’t listen, have no recollection of what I said the minute I stop talking, guys
who looks right through me when I speak or flip on the TV in the middle of a
discussion to avoid communication. The worst instance is when intelligent males
who stare at me while I say something and then when I’m finished insist that
they didn’t understand a word of what I said. Certainly, not all men behave
this way, but I’ve met a quite a few who do.

Yet these same guys, who pay no attention to a woman, for
the most part, will get enthusiastic when they want sex. Sadly, they often they
make love with the same emotional detachment displayed in every day life.

That kind of emotional disconnect can easily produce blah,
wham-bam sex that makes me feel used. I’m turned off by this, but the response
I get is that I’m frigid. I don’t think so.  

“Many of us, especially those who have experienced trauma
early in life, are not in touch with the emotional experience that is necessary
for us to fully communicate with others. As we grow from infancy to adulthood,
overwhelming feelings of anger, sadness, fear, and joy become stifled or
suppressed, rendering it impossible for us to fully experience emotional
freedom.” This statement was authored by Jeanne Segal, Ph.D with Jaelline
Jaffe, Ph.D; Editing by Suzanne Barston. It was last modified on: 9/04/07.

When I see this distancing in someone I’m dating, I know
they are not men with whom I’d put in a lot of time and effort. I have seen
other relationships that stay together under the described circumstances –
especially among married couples, and with disastrous results. If this cold
distancing doesn’t end the relationship, I find that two people will cruise
along in their own worlds, seething with resentment, rarely touching any depth
in each other. It’s like having a brain-dead, physical body nearby, a walking
robot who says the necessary things in reference to food, water, pass the salt,
where’s the toilet paper and who are you voting for.

Occasionally, I’ll ask a man why he’s divorced (sometimes
divorced multiple times). It’s not unusual for a man to say he doesn’t know why
because he’s convinced that he did everything right. That worries me. How could
you be in a short or long-term marriage and not have an inkling of what went
wrong? In other instances, a man might say the bitch resented me for playing golf
a lot, or she hates that I’m smarter or that she got upset because she had to
ask me many times to take out the garbage and they don’t see why this is
annoying. They don’t seem to have a glimmer that those statements reveal a
deeper underlying issue – not taking their home life seriously or a need to demean a mate. This has to impact upon every communication
between people caught in this ugly web.

Ultimately, it becomes a divorce waiting to happen. The man might
stray and his spouse will either be overwrought or relieved that he’s leaving
her alone. She might turn her attention to her job, her children or take a
lover herself. Why does the illicit affair hold more excitement? Often, in the adulterous affair more
attention is paid to each other than to their own spouse. This in itself is
seductive.

Remember, the affair doesn’t usually require the emotional
output that real intimacy demands. In an illicit romance it may only take a few
expensive baubles to buy what you need – sex and someone telling you how fabulous
you are. Sometimes it takes a few more luxury items to keep a mistress happy,
but that’s a small price to pay for being able to stubbornly hold on to your
refusal to face your own turbulent inner, emotional life.

For another thing, an affair doesn’t have the everyday
elements of – who does the wash, the bills, errands, household chores and whatnot.
The man might take his lover, who he sees once or twice a week, to a hotel.
There are no kids running around with their attendant problems, their screaming
and fighting or homework to monitor. In an adulterous affair, all you need is a
bottle of champagne, soft music, a bubble bath and sexy underclothing. And
someone cleans up after you without complaining about it.

It makes me wonder why couples don’t go more often to a
hotel or a getaway weekend. It’s probably a lot cheaper guys. Your wife won’t expect
diamond earrings or an expensive Victoria’s
Secret nightgown. She’ll be so thrilled to be away for a few hours and watching
you prepare the bubble bath that she won’t even think of trinkets unless it’s a
rubber ducky for the bath. Besides, she knows the family budget and cares. And
what fun you could have revitalizing the relationship. Remember, one of the
sexiest things for a woman is to see her guy with a dish towel in his hands –
and using it.

In our society, we tend to repress boys more than girls.
Boys who cry or act emotionally are, more often than not, reprimanded. It is
too girly to express too much emotion. That is not to say women are not also
stifled in some way, too. Their repression might come in the form of quashing intelligence
or assertiveness – yes, this is encouraged even in this modern day and age.

Despite all our present-day enlightenment from books,
magazines and the Dr. Phil’s who appear in mass media giving all kinds of
psychological information, creating a great relationship still seems elusive to
most. Are we too self-absorbed to give of ourselves in a relationship? Perhaps,
but, I believe, at the very heart of this issue, is this emotional detachment. Even
though there are many other factors such as control, I feel this disassociation condition is among the strongest factors in the cause of relationship collapse.

We must self-examine how much we fear making ourselves
vulnerable to another human. Are we so self-protected that we put an iron, locked
gate around our feelings? Perhaps we need to put less emphasis on rejections.
It’s the other person’s loss if we’re not in their lives. We need to feel good
about ourselves and secure enough so that when we put our emotions on the line
we’ll be fine whether they’re accepted or not.

Jeanne Segal and Jaelline Jaffe also said, “Restoring your
emotional intelligence first requires retrieving your emotional awareness and
learning to manage your emotions. This may make emotional management sound
simple, but for most people it is a hard-won skill. Managing your emotions
requires more than knowledge and motivation to be effective – you need to be
able to recognize and control stress, and to be aware of, experience, and take
control of your emotions. When your stress levels and emotions are out of
control, they will always override the intentional thinking part of your
brain.”

It is so much more fun to be able to express your emotions. It ultimately pays off in the bedroom as well –
and isn’t it all about having fun?

The sexy G

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