WE’VE FACED
THE FUTURE AND IT IS US: OR SHOULD OLDER WOMEN DATE YOUNGER MEN?

We older folk have faced the future and it is us. A young
female bartender told me recently how lucky I am. “You know what your future
held. I’m twenty-four and intimidated and scared by the unknown.”

It might be unbelievable that reaching the upper levels of
age can be a great experience. Take my word, it can be. I’m thankful for good
health, a working libido and energy to spare. I know my envelope is closing
down slowly, but I am the about as exuberant and free-floating as I’ve ever
been. I answer to no one, don’t tell my kids what time I come home from a date,
and don’t even have to tell them what I do with a man I like when the evening
comes to a close. Besides, they definitely don’t want to know.

When my son wanted to buy me a pair of earrings not long
ago, he pointed to a traditional pair. Instead, I selected a long, dangling
sexy pair. He looked at me and said, “That’s not you, Mom.” I replied, “It is
now.” 

I, also, felt I finally had earned the right to weed out
friends and acquaintances who drain too much of my energy and give little back.
This has paved the way to fun and laughter. At my stage of life I don’t have an
enormous amount of highs and possibly face an onslaught of lows. I have to make
use of every second for time is of the essence.

Truth be told, I don’t recognize myself. Forgive an older
woman some bragging rights. I’m really careful about looking stylishly
disheveled, wear brighter colors, show cleavage and wear my hair (as someone
called it), “bedroom style.” It all just came into play in the last five years.
What I missed out by being a prissy and, so-called, intellectual as a young
woman, I am making up for with rowdy behavior at a mature age. You might think
this is pathetic talk from a woman who is probably aging ungracefully, and
perhaps it is. But I am having a really good time.

I used to want people to love me for my mind. I no longer
give a damn. Now I’m in favor of you liking me for my physical appeal and the
fact that my breasts didn’t go South — yet. Is that shallow? You bet, but it’s
a phase of life I’ve never experienced. Hoorah for shallow!

When I go across the Benjamin Franklin
Bridge and use a
discounted senior coupon, occasionally I get stopped. I want to jump out of my
car and kiss the attendant. It’s like a thirty-year-old being carded at a bar.
When I walk the streets of Center City Philadelphia and a rare man stops me to
say how nice I look, my day is made.

I didn’t realize how many years I waited for that to occur
until it happened. Sure, I’m over the hill, and, on closer inspection, the
wrinkles and facial parenthesis around the mouth are distinct, but all I need
was for it to happen once. Now, I can go to the other world smiling when my
time is up. So many older women I know look great. I have one dramatically
pretty blonde-haired friend who is a guy magnet wherever she goes. I love to
tag along with her.

This brings me to one goodie about aging I haven’t dealt
with before. Single women of a certain age who are independent and somewhat
financially secure have tended to change the “rules” once mandated by society.
This change involves older women dating younger men.

 A 2003 study by AARP
showed that in women over age forty, 34% were dating younger men, and 35%
preferred it to dating older men. These older women are called “cougars.” Think
Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, Madonna and Guy Ritchie, to name a few.

 In their book, Older
Women, Younger Men: New Options for Love and Romance by Susan Winter and
Felicia Brings, they say, “Today, not only are more and more older women
discovering that younger men are equally attracted to them: they are
challenging the old male mores, finding that it is possible to have loving,
rewarding relationships with caring and sensitive young men who have the
maturity to navigate this uncharted sea.”

An Ezine Articles quotes the above authors Felicia Brings
and Susan Winter who wrote, “Older women/younger men relationships are far more
prevalent and far more successful than society at large would have us believe.
The theme that the social order reinforces often is the message that these
relationships are a bad thing-and even under the best of circumstances-are only
a temporary thing. Popular movies…suggest…in those rare cases in which a woman
is older than the man, such couplings end badly, sadly or tragically. The truth
is, we’ve been sold a bill of goods…Our research…confirms that older
women/younger men are an increasingly viable (dare we day common) phenomenon.”

Younger men might find older women attractive for a
multitude of reasons. Older women tend to be more mature, secure and not always
interested in a commitment (for many men a plus). These women might not worry
about the long-term endurance of a relationship because they’ve been through
careers, marriages, raising children, dramatic moments and several boyfriends. For them, if the romance
ends, it’s over – no drama. It’s clear that some of these relationships might
have a short shelf-life due to the fact a younger man might want to start a
family something those wizened ovaries can’t produce. With the question
of a wanting to have children out of the picture, these relationships can be
enduring.

Would I consider a much younger man? Maybe. It hasn’t been
something that has come my way but, I do think older women must keep all
options open. I want to go out having left no stone or boulder or mountain
unturned.

From the sexy G. 

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I’d like to continue the discussion about what’s happening
with teens. I’m curious how it will impact relationships as adults. The same mother of a
teen mentioned in the last blog who talked to me about her daughter’s
interaction with her peers told me how many teenage girls were active sexually
and more importantly, how many seemed ignorant of the consequence of
unprotected sex. Generally, both boys and girls seemed to think that all
sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) were curable and few of them seemed concerned
about the possibility of pregnancy. Many girls do not insist the boy wear a
condom when the males balk at the notion. So, the question asked is why are many
teens setting aside rational fear of the consequences?

Boston (dbTechno.com) – “It was reported last week by the
U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention that one in four teenage girls
has an STD. More revelations are coming out now, as it seems that many teenage
girls do not have all the facts about sex and STDs to help them make the right
choices.”

It seems some girls think that they need to have a boyfriend
at all costs. It boosts their popularity. If they don’t have a boyfriend they
think something is wrong with them. As a result, my friend told me, they take a
lot of nasty stuff from the guys – sex on demand, no condom, and wandering
eyes. To keep her boyfriend, she’ll do whatever the boy wants.

The sense of desperation among some teens can be seen in a
news report by AOL News dated April 14. The title; “Teens are sending X-Rated
Photos on Phones.” It’s all about how some teens are flirting and/or sending
nude pictures of themselves via cell phones.

It stated: “The instant text, picture and video messages have become
part of some teens’ courtship behavior, police and school officials said. The
messages often spread quickly and sometimes find their way to public Web sites.”

A quote from the article: “Candice Kelsey, a teacher from California, said some
teenage girls think they have to be provocative to get boys’ attention. As a
result, they will send photos they hope their parents never see.”

Again, as reported in Boston (db Techno) “One very notable
way that people are beginning to preach ways to fight STDs, in terms of trying
to teach teenage girls, is to give them more power. The more power they feel
they have, the more likely they will say no.”

As I see it, female teens seem to feel more powerless than
ever before. Although all generations are subject to pressure from peer groups,
I’d think that, overall, girls today would feel more empowered. Many times, that
does not seem to be the case.

To better see why this happens, and perhaps why adult
relationships are still faltering today, let me go back to an earlier time in a
child’s development. Look at some parental attitudes toward Little League and
other sports for little kids. When you ask little boys to duplicate grown
athletes who represent machismo and some other unhealthy aspects of personality,
the stage is set for difficulties in men vs. women.

Little boys are given, what I consider, bad messages. You
can’t be a crybaby if you get hurt. The only thing that matters is the win.
This might be the cause of an emotional disconnect in little boys. The
possibility of friendships with girls takes a backseat. The “win at all costs”
takes on a new meaning and, I think, bleeds into every activity. If you don’t
win you are not manly.

Little League concepts are great in theory, but not if they don’t
allow little girls to join, where team spirit takes a back seat to winning, the
joy of the game is missing, and kids are only judged by their skill.

We all know horror stories associated with Little League
sports; booing a coach who makes an honest mistake but gets a kid tagged out,
deliberately hurting a child on the opposing team, fights between parents,
arguing with the coach about a position a child is given – the list is endless.
Many parents have actually suggested that their kid subtly hurt a child on the other team
while play is in progress.

Parents become so enraged they’ve gotten involved in fist fights.
Once a death occurred from a physical encounter. How then can children be
expected to know how to befriend someone of the opposite sex?

The child now has been given the message that there is no margin
of error allowed when it comes to winning. If the child makes a mistake, he
will feel bad about himself, rather than chalk it off to having fun. He probably
will feel compelled to enter every arena of life with the concept of winning or
else be subject to feelings of inadequacy.

This is a call to battle. Does it sound warlike? Yes, it
does to me. It seems that the emotional maturity needed to make a good
relationship as an adult will be stunted. Does it prepare a young man to be strong
yet kind and gentle upon reaching adulthood? Not unless that male digs into his
own psyche at some point.

The solution will never be instituted because too many
parents seem to need the “kill” mentality. To me, it is destructive and
demoralizing to children. Those who fall into the pattern and become top
athletes, whether in school or in the pros (for the very few), are idolized and
some may get the message of their own entitlement. Some older men I have known
remain wrapped forever in a warm blanket of their youthful sports memories.

Sometimes, I believe they have selective memory as to their
prowess, but the impressions still burns in their bellies way into advanced
ages – 50’s, 60’s and 70’s. For some, emotional development might have been cut
short at tender, young ages when sports ruled their worlds.

My plea is not to get rid of sports for very young children,
but change how we think. It’s a game, folks, just a game.

The Sexy G

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Several women of my generation whom I admire for intelligence,
independence and insight, have discussed with me how they view male/female
relationships. They think they have to manipulate a man to get and keep him. I
have heard such nonsense from many women of my generation, but I am rather
stunned when it comes from women who appear forthright and comfortable in their
own skin.

The maneuvering seems to go like this; avoiding issues that
make men uneasy, wiggling around other subjects in order to make a man think that
what she is seeking was his idea, and constantly letting him know that he is masterful
and brilliant. She tries to make him feel that she is needy and dependent on
his enormous abilities, and that she, compared to him, is much less informed
about worldly matters. As a last resort, the women who think like this say that
sex is something to be used to achieve objectives. What further disturbed me was
that they don’t expect sex has to be reciprocal. A woman offers her body to
give a man what he wants and then (maybe yes maybe no) fakes an orgasm. The
same applies to whether one is already involved with a man or on a quest to
snare one. 

I have to wonder if there is much difference between a woman
who is paid for sexual services and wives who fake deep adoration to get what
they want. But in a situation where a spouse/partner encourages an unequal
relationship, something is lost. I know I wouldn’t want a man who didn’t expect
his partner to have her needs met. It says a lot about the honesty and trust in
a relationship.  

What a burden to have to plan each day filled with pretense,
constant editing of thoughts and creating outright lies. I enjoy telling a man
he is a terrific person if I mean it – not as a ploy to get what I want. I
would imagine that such behavior is addictive to an insecure man. The problem
is that the deceit can never end because if the perpetrator of the game stops she
may fear that her man will seek the “unconditional adoration” from someone else
– many times that is exactly what happens. It seems to me that dealing with an
unending pack of lies that has to be dredged up on a daily basis is very
fatiguing, and near impossible to keep up indefinitely.  

Those indulging in such behavior are creating images that have
little to do with reality. In the unwritten pact, the woman has taken on the
responsibility to make everything look perky and wonderful even if it’s not. In
order to achieve this goal, she has diminished who she is.  

It seems to me it’s all about creating the image of an intact,
well-functioning couple. I see it as dysfunctional. There is no emotional or
intellectual quality in the relationship because one partner is always scheming
and the other stays in denial because it serves his needs.

With the unending repression of emotion, how long before it
wears down the psyche? Ultimately, denial of feelings breaks down and seeks
redress through other more destructive ways. For instance, it’s easy to begin
to pick on small issues totally unrelated to this sham.

You might say that what I’ve described is outdated. Just a
short time ago, I would have agreed with you and just chalked it up to the
problems of an older generation, raised with artificial standards of male and
female roles. Females were expected to acquiesce and accept the male being in
control. Women learned to manipulate and juggle as the only means of getting somewhat
of an equal footing.

What I view as the disastrous results of such early childhood
wiring is that men were left disrespecting women and unable to feel compassion
for their needs. Fortunately, some men made the heroic effort to reevaluate the
unfairness of it all and once they internalized their new-found rational
thought they were able to make changes.

With the younger generation, I’d hoped that this destructive
role playing had diminished and, hopefully, was on the way to disappearing.
Young girls of high school age have so many more opportunities for careers and
are being raised, I assumed, to be strong and independent. As a result, young
teenagers today should be developing self-esteem and given the tools to become
their own best friend and can make rational decisions – or so I thought.

From the Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation, in New KFF/YM
Magazine National Survey of Teens on Dating, Intimacy, and Sexual
Experiences:  Teens Today, Even Youngest,
Deal With difficult Sexual Issues: Pressure, Pregnancy, HIV/AIDS And Other
STDs.

They stated that “More than a third (36%) of all teens – or
close to half (47%) of those who have been in an intimate situation – say they
have done something sexual, or felt pressure to do something sexual, they did
not feel they were ready to do;…”

There are underlying issues that do not bode well for future
relationships. I questioned a professional woman I knew who had a fifteen year
old daughter raised in an upper-middle class environment. I asked about the
situation with her daughter and her friends? Do the girls seem secure? Are the
boys capable of real friendships with girls and visa versa? Is their mutual
respect and understanding?

Sadly, she told a story of how girls, fourteen and fifteen who
lack a good understanding of sexually transmitted diseases and are desperate to
have boyfriends. If they don’t have a beau at these early tender ages they think
that they’ll lose the respect of their friends. The girls seem to have little
self-respect and, often, give in to demands made of them. The boys feel that
the girls show their loyalty and love if the have sex with them – even sometimes
asking them to have unprotected sex.

Then, too, young males have tremendous pressure put on them
to have sex early and frequently to demonstrate masculinity. It is not
masculine if they have a non-sexual friendship with a girl. On the other hand,
the girls gain status when they have boyfriends – especially if they nab an athlete.
“Friends with benefits” is not uncommon among teenagers. Sex at such an early
age often reduces a real understanding of relationships. These teenagers are at
risk of never developing the capacity for deep friendship with each other. My
friend told me one female teenager told her that if boys can notch their belts,
so can women. This is not a healthy attitude in defining relationships. The young
girls seem frightened to say no. They fear that boys will not like them.

If a large number of young girls of today feel powerless and
lack self-esteem, then history will repeat itself, and, and when they reach
adulthood, the same problems with male/female relationships that we have today
will continue. Divorce rates might not go up, but they have little chance of
declining. By and large, men will disrespect women just as an older generation
does now, however subtly it might occur. What seems to be missing in the teen
experience is the education that imparts understanding of how friendships develop
into deeper levels of caring and understanding. That kind of learning is as
important as sex education and handing out condoms.

The Sexy G   –   ruminating on what’s happening to
relationships – and hoping for better and best

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