I am a huge fan of yours. Who doesn’t love all of your books and screenplays? When Harry Met Sally and Heartburn are especially poignant for me. With your wit and intelligence you have hung your life out for all to see, and you do it with incredible humor and grace. I find your insights on the mark. You should get a purple heart for some of the bumps in the road that you have endured and for your amazing candor in talking about it. I Feel Bad About My Neck And Other Thoughts on Being a Woman intrigued me and had me laughing out loud and misting up at the tender moments. For instance, you gloss over your divorces lightly in the book, but I believe I felt your pain – a tribute to your writing. It is this book I am responding to. For those who don’t know, Nora Ephron’s book deals mainly with the trials and tribulations of aging.

Let me introduce myself to you, Nora. I am one of those idiots who extol some of the joys of getting older. I’m a couple of years older than you and widowed. I found the mature dating scene rather bleak and it became an impetus to writing about it. My opinions are spelled out seriously/humorously/fictionally on the blog I write for Wild River Review. I write about the problems between men and women and how they can be improved. Much of it applies to all ages.

I admit there are many down sides to getting older, and many unpleasant aspects in the process., but, in my delirium, I find much that’s advantageous. As for mature sex, I have difficulty finding a considerate lover, but the occasional good one is so much fun. I am far more uninhibited now. Today, I can indulge in sex openly without the taboos of yesteryear where women developed “bad reputations.” That label was like wearing a scarlet letter. I was told from an early age on that that the only way to snag a good husband was to remain a virgin until marriage. That caused a lot of sexual repression and fear in me. I had to work hard at exorcising that kind of built-in neurosis over they years.

Now, having become a woman of a certain age, I don’t give a damn what they call me. They can say I’m a slut. At this stage, that’s a compliment. Sadly, I haven’t had as many sexual encounters as I’d have liked because there is a dearth of men who have emotional appeal. I do need that before jumping into bed. The truth is, I’m still waiting for a true soulmate lover. That desire has not diminished with age. I heartily believe in romance and, hopefully, one day it will happen.

Should I be careful about what I wish for? Perhaps, but I don’t worry about bad decisions either. Making a mistake in choosing a romantic interest is no longer of much consequence. I’m not concerned about a future with marriage and a picket fence. I’m into the now, this minute. If it’s not right, then I extricate myself and am free to move on.

For me, getting older has allowed me to find my stride. As a child and through my adult life, I kept reinventing myself to please whomever I admired or those who had some measure of control over my future. Whether I became friendly with the parents of the children my kids played with or entertained associates and the powers connected with my husband’s career, I spent a lot of years being someone else. Now, I answer only to myself (kids and grandkids excluded). I am fucking free!!

Over the years, I have divested myself of people I thought to be bleeding me emotionally. By making these changes, my head and time are cleared to do the things I love; visiting grandkids, reading, seeing friends, going to the theater, entertaining myself, traveling, playing tennis, writing and more writing. Constant complainers, narcissists and mean gossips stay away from my door.

I now feel empowered to be myself and to confront problematic issues instead of internalizing them which I did for many years for fear of making people angry at me. At this juncture in my life, I don’t care who likes me or not. My friends will remain my friends and the others are meant to go by the wayside.

I’m much more cognizant of how precious time is and try hard to utilize it better then I did at a younger age. I pissed away a lot of time over they years, time that I wish I could have back. So, now each minute of work/play is harvested with greater care, like full-bodied grapes that have the potential to make excellent wine.

Nora, I think you are glamorous and beautiful (No, I’m not going to ask you out on a date). As for myself, I now take much better care, apply more cosmetics, and I think I look better than I once did. Back then I ran around raising children, went back to school, was in charge of the household, helped my husband’s career on a grand scale and dealt with people, some of whom drained me. I think I was more haggard and had less time to pamper myself.

I go to the beauty parlor more often, but don’t spend a lot of money on face creams and such. For years, I’ve used mineral oil on my face. It costs around a couple of bucks a bottle and lasts forever because you can’t slather it on. I horrify the woman who occasionally gives me a facial. She thinks it will clog my pores. I’ve been using it for twenty years and no zits. My big extravagance is Retin-A which costs more but is still relatively inexpensive – well under a hundred bucks a tube.

Also, we can whiten our coffee-stained teeth easily. My mother at forty looked more matronly and older than I do at sixty plus. And our generation lives longer with more quality of life than our parents. I walk two to three miles a day, can trek a couple of miles of the San Francisco hills, play vigorous tennis, ride a bike and work out (sometimes). It’s more than I did at an earlier age. Maybe I’ll drop dead in my sleep, but right now, I’m having a blast.

I used to think clothing unimportant, so sure people would like me for my mind. HA! What a crock. Today, I wear shorter dresses, skirts more often, lower necklines and more trendy clothing. I actually get more looks from men now then I did before (never realized how far cleavage can go). So what if it’s all a façade. Feeling good is my goal in life or else I don’t do it unless absolutely necessary. I have choices that I now make for myself.

I grew up very poor and money was always an issue. I used to worry a lot about what might happen to me in the future. Will I be comfortable financially (yes), how will my kids turn out (fabulous – daughter a lawyer and son a doctor) and will I have adorable, wonderful, smart grandkids (yes!).

That gives me a big sense of relief, and I pray hard that it will continue. In essence, the future has happened. I could commit suicide about that concept, but I’m too curious to see how the rest plays out.

As for a bikini – never wore one before and don’t worry about it now. The younger people I hang out with, mostly in the arts, don’t give a rat’s ass about age. They are mentally stimulating and invigorating. They give off a vibrating energy that I absorb and apply to my own life, and I try to do the same in return. I’m not referring to the wisdom gained by the time mature years are reached, but rather an exchange of information, humor, wit and fun (and wine, too). Screw wisdom.

We look at younger women who are in their prime and, believe it or not, they might be envying us – not that they want to be older, but rather they envy that we’re basically finished with the nightmares they’re encountering. Younger people are still struggling with relationships, bad marriages, the devastation of divorce, single parenthood, children with problems, aging parents and all kinds of dating issues. Sometimes, they wish for the time to pass more quickly to get over the humps. For younger people, being coupled is more important. They have many struggles to contend with and having a partner sometimes eases stress. My life is fulfilled. Being with a terrific man would be wonderful, but I can live quite pleasantly without the pleasure of a partner. There are other enjoyable activities that single people can reach for.

Granted, we do have a limited window of time on this earth. But, I breathe a sigh of relief every time I leave a funeral – it’s not me this time. And, yes, friends around us are getting ill and dealing with physical problems. But as long as this body and mind work, I’m going to drain the life out of what is out there just for the picking.

The sexy grandmom
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In the last blog, I addressed the issue of sexually transmitted diseases (especially HIV/AIDS) among mature daters. In addition, Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health recently announced that oral sex may have a connection to throat cancer. That’s something we all have to look into, and perhaps will be dealt with in another blog. I mention this new finding because I would guess that oral sex is more prevalent among mature people given the greater frequency of erectile problems among older men as opposed to younger men. Given all that, it does add some special perplexing problems for the mature set.
So, here are some of my imaginings, tongue in cheek, because if we don’t laugh we’ll bawl our heads off. The following musings might better apply to the elderly elderly rather than the young elderly (Yes, folks, there is a young elderly population).

Scenario 1: Some older man might experience some difficulty in getting an erection. So, let’s assume that task is accomplished. Now, in view of the news about increasing rates of HIV/AIDS among the eldery, his partner asks him to use a condom. It might be something he hasn’t done for a very long time, or he might have hand tremors. Certainly, he isn’t as agile as he once was. Slowly, he attempts to put the condom on. By the time he’s finished, he might have lost his erection. Now he needs to be aroused again. By that time his partner, who missed her afternoon nap, falls asleep.

Scenario 2: Another elder gentleman thinks it might be more exciting for his partner to put the condom on for him. That way, he will not need to be aroused a second time. They can get started as soon more quickly.

Never in the woman’s forty-five years of marriage did she use one. In earlier times, she used an IUD and then jumped to the pill (married women of her era usually took care of protection). Being a kind person, and curious she agrees. She is also interested in having good sex which he assures her is about to happen. But, she is deaf, and for this event she has taken out both hearing aids. He hands her the condom and waits with an eager smile on his lips.

“Okay, I’m ready for you,” he says. “Just unroll it as you go. Now put it on.”

“Put it where?” she asks.

“Can’t you hear?” he responds.

“In your ear?”

Scenario 3: A man has just entered a nursing home and he immediately falls in love with a lovely white-haired woman. She falls for him, too. He’s been a widower for a long time and was sexually active before he arrived. In this particular home there appears to be zero tolerance for romance. They both decide they want to make love. Neither one sees that well so they don’t drive. It’s now the middle of the night. They have decided to have safe sex. Obviously, there is no condom dispensing machine. What to do?

They steal into the kitchen and look for plastic wrap. Just as they’re pulling a length from the box, a nurse walks in.

“What are you two doing?”

“Um, uh, we have some birthday cake we want to wrap.”

“At this hour? Indeed. Get back to your rooms.”

Another night of fun shot to hell. Such are the travails of safe sex with very mature lovers.

In closing, I have a story related to me by a social worker – I assume it’s true. Even if it’s an urban legend there is every possibility it could be happening as we speak. I am going to recreate the story from what I was told.

A very, very elderly woman called a social worker and wanted a caretaker to come in for two hours every Thursday.

“How old are you?” the social worker asked.

“I’m 93.”

“May I ask what your disability is?” the social worker asked.

“Disability? I don’t have a one. I’m fine. I take care of myself.”

“Well, I’m sorry, but I can’t send someone if you don’t really need help with things like bathing, shopping and meals. You see what I mean?”

“But I do need someone strong to come to my boyfriend’s home.”

“Your boyfriend? How old is he?”

“Oh, he’s ninety-seven.”

“How nice for both of you. Then you’re saying he needs a caretaker? What is his disability?”

“No disability. What is wrong with you? Don’t you get it?” the old woman asks.

“Sorry, I don’t,” the frustrated social worker replies.

“Look, my boyfriend can’t lift me. We have sex every Thursday, but my arthritis is kicking in badly. I need someone to come out, pick me up and put me on top of him. Can’t we enjoy a little intimacy?”

For several moments there’s silence. “What time did you say on Thursday?”

As for condoms for this couple, well, we won’t go there. Don’t sell older folks short, even when they use walkers!

The sexy grandmom
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In all of my opinion pieces I am a champion of older adults enjoying sexual bliss. Keep in mind, all of my comments and observations are meant to relay how I personally view life and relationships. My aim is to ask people of all ages to look at multiple aspects of a situation rather than carry pre-conceived notions. So, here’s another segment to being a sexually active mature adult that is not generally thought to be a problem.

Women, after menopause, are no longer concerned with pregnancy. That is certainly an upside in the arena of sexual enjoyment at advanced ages. It opens us up for new experiences. Some older women are just beginning to find their sexual stride at the same time they receive senior discounts (what a dynamic pairing).

But, the downside is that sexually active, mature adults might not pay much attention to the use of condoms. They, also, for the most part, believe they are a low-risk population for HIV. It is a myth.

With new information coming out, the statistics are showing otherwise. People are living longer. AIDS cases in the over-fifty population rose more than twice as fast between 1991 and 1996 as it did among younger adults. It is clear now that older adults have to be as cautious as their younger counterparts.

In the USA, between 10 to 15 % of cases of acquired immunodeficiency syndrome has occurred in people 50 years old and older. In addition, diagnoses among the elderly can be delayed since many don’t investigate, believing it doesn’t happen to older adults or physicians don’t suspect the disease for the same reason. To complicate the problem, mature adults often have other ailments and a variety of medications that might interact poorly with the disease. Even remembering to take medication adds a new dimension of difficulties.

As stated in the February, 2001 issue of Health Resources and Services Administration, HIV/AIDS Bureau, “The population is becoming older with the maturing of the baby-boomer generation. Social norms about divorce, sex and dating in America are changing, and drugs like Viagra are facilitating a more active sex life. Consequently, the risk of exposure to HIV for older Americans is increasing.”

We now know, many seniors are sexually active, and, some are drug users. Their behavior can put them a risk for HIV infection. Because seniors are not routinely tested, many seniors who are HIV infected go undetected.

So, now seniors are faced with ageism and infection from a sexually-or-IV-drug transmitted disease. Even though men who have sex with men are the largest group of AIDS cases in the over-fifty group, heterosexual women have been infected at a higher rate and, as they age into their 60’s and beyond, comprise a greater percentage.

Again, as reported in Health Resources and Services Administration, “With HIV-positive individuals living longer, a growing proportion of deaths from AIDS is occurring among older individuals. In 1994, one in four deaths from AIDS occurred among people ages 45 years and older. In 1998, 2 years after the wide-scale introduction of HAART, the proportion had risen to one in three, underscoring the need for systems of care and support that respond to the needs of an aging HIV-positive population.”

There is the distinct danger of misdiagnosis. Many HIV symptoms (such as: weight loss, shortness of breath, skin eruptions and fatigue) mimic symptoms of diseases associated with aging. It’s not uncommon for health care providers to be unaware that mature adults are an at-risk population. Younger doctors/psychologist/social workers may hesitate about discussing sexuality with older patients.

How many people ask their Grandparents or even a parent if they are having safe sex? So, it’s great to enjoy quality sex, but make it safe — and that’s the best.

From the sexy grandmom
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