In our society men tend to be the receivers while women are expected to be the senders. Women have been wired by society to be caretakers and nurturers, thus senders, often receiving little emotional gratification in return. Women who don’t play that role are considered to be too masculine, pushy and aggressive. Of course, this concept is prevalent among older generations, BUT, seems to be true, in varying degrees, for all ages.

As receivers, men are socialized to avoid emotional issues. It’s sissy and emasculating. The message that males seem to be receiving from an early age on is that once they are on an equal footing with women as to feelings and opinions, they will be rendered powerless. If they admit to having deep sensitivities, that somehow takes them down a few notches. The underlying feeling is that if men communicate and give quality listening to a female, they then enter a level playing field. It becomes a healthy give and take. Some men have told me that when they attempt to have a dialogue with a woman and it becomes too intimate, they can’t breathe. YIKES! That’s scary.

I’m going to give you my perspective on the damage that kind of wiring extracts. Men can be reluctant to dig for reasons as to why they behave in certain ways even when their relationship is beginning to fall apart? They feel they don’t need to. One reason is that when men are emotionally unavailable, the women in their lives think they will be the one to change him and are willing to set their own needs aside. In this respect, they become the enableres. Sometimes I think they fear they won’t be loved or at worst, will be abondoned.

“Somehow these women always have an excuse for the guy’s shortcomings.” That quote is from Dating Advice Newsletter put out by Christian Carter. Also, from the same newsletter, “Women (and men) don’t base their choices of men on how nice or good someone is to them day-to-day. Women choose the men they do because they feel a powerful GUT LEVEL ATTRACTION for them. And guess what? Some women will continue to put up with a guy that doesn’t treat them very well. Sometimes for months or years…”

Men generally seem unwilling to work very hard to find out why a relationship, they might care deeply about, is disintegrating or has died. As one highly educated man I know stated when I described a play that went into the psyches of the characters, “That’s crap. It’s chick stuff.”
Yet, there are so many male writers of sad, yearning love songs, and male poets writing about lost loves, new love and hoping for love to materialize. Male writers sometimes dig deep into what makes a relationship tick. This demonstrates male awareness of the need for introspection. I believe men yearn for a great, nourishing relationship as much as any woman does. But from the time they were little boys until adulthood, they are told to repress tears, run away when there is an emotional crisis rather than face the multitude of feelings. The subliminal messages tell them that women are supposed to manage the emotional aspects of life while a man turns to work, ballgames or golf to escape.

I believe women outlive men because females tend to express their emotions—for the most part. Repressing feelings can manifest in the form of physical ailments. It is recognized that different chemicals are released in the body by anxiety and negativity as opposed to contentment. Not facing your emotions and dealing with them can produce a poor quality of life or possibly an early death. It wears down the body parts more quickly, and makes us more prone to illness.

Kristi Williams, assistant professor of sociology at Ohio State University co-authored a study that was published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior. “The findings indicate that abusive men don’t show signs of depression or other reactions to the stress they’re under. Instead, the feelings of stress build up and are released in bursts of violence.”

In my opinion it is the secure man who is far more masculine and developed emotionally if he shows his feelings and reveals his inner self. Only the most stable men with the strongest sense of self-esteem can buck the tradition and open themselves up.

So, it seems, we’re training our men to die before women by having them crush feelings. Of course, my mother always told me the reason women outlive men by seven or eight years is that God wanted to give them a rest.

MEN! OPEN UP YOUR HEARTS AND SOULS AND INCREASE YOUR LIFE SPAN! You don’t have to do it just to have a better relationship (God forbid). Do it for health reasons. I assure you that if women get a small overflow of the emotions you pour out, we’ll take it. Don’t die before your time.

The sexy grandmom
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Here’s what I’m looking for in a potential mate:

A man who says he wants to be friends first. He should be interested in the insights I have about myself and won’t respond with a judgmental lecture. And he’d never throw up to me what I told him in confidence the next time we disagree about some issue.
An introspective guy who understands his own behavior (both the good and bad), and will discuss his revelations. He will allow himself to be vulnerable. It won’t bother him to talk about his emotions. He’ll comb the depths of his past to discover how it impacts on his behavior – perhaps inserting an edge of humor. Discussing stresses in his life and his deepest fears will come naturally. He might have concerns about ailments we mature folk are subject to and feels free to voice them. I once asked a man in a wheelchair to dance, and he sat me on his lap and wheeled me around. Too bad he was married.

How about someone who likes to read (hopefully, some fiction mixed with history and biographies that men like so much) and has an enlightened sensitivity to the world around him. Foreign films won’t scare him and he’ll be amenable to serious dramatic movies and theatre. I won’t ever hear the refrain, “That’s chick stuff.” Music choices may be eclectic. Anything goes.
Together we’ll find the dark side of humor and laugh at all the rigid boundaries imposed on us by social institutions, some good and others harmful, especially those that stunt creativity.
This mythical man will laugh at his own foibles and will run straight into the eye of laughter. He’ll love picnics, outdoor concerts and jazz festivals. Museums and galleries will be on his list. Then there are city and country walks, hiking, driving escapades to nowhere and trekking the beaches.

He’ll want to head for the hills to a charming bed and breakfast and not care that it’s football season. Too often men and some women retreat from painful internal conflicts by obsessively watching sports, not unlike other socially unacceptable addictions like drugs and alcohol.
Now, this would be spectacular – a man who cleans up automatically after I’ve cooked dinner. When he clears the table, stacks the dishes in the dishwasher and washes a pot or two without being asked, it makes me so hot. I put this spontaneous behavior on the list of top ten ways to indulge in foreplay.

We’ll watch the sunset and sunrise with me nestled in his arms. Occasionally, he’ll clip articles from newspapers and journals of interest to me. Once in a while he’ll suggest we go to a dive bar, the zoo or even the library. He’ll hold my hand and kiss in public. He must know what the Madonna Syndrome is and not ask if I meant the present-day singer, Madonna.

I’d like a man who listens to some of my observations and remembers half of what I say. He won’t judge or lecture, but, instead, will open up about his own insights and thoughts.
We’ll talk and listen to each other as we reveal who we are, down to the deepest recesses of our loneliest inner core. And he’ll know there’s a real human sitting next to him, not a recording device.

When there’s a long silence between us, he’ll gently touch my shoulder as a way to say he’s aware of my presence. If, after all this buildup we find that we care about each other, we can move to the next step – intimacy. We’ll have reached the point where sensuality begins to surpass chitchat

If I’m flirty he won’t necessarily react by immediately jumping on my bones. The trip from living room to bedroom is nicer when it’s sensual and slow.
When engaged in light conversation, he might touch my cheek, skate my arm or neck with his fingers. With his fingers he’ll gently outline the tops of my breasts, my cleavage. This kind of foreplay makes the anticipation of lovemaking much more exciting.
And when we make love, we’ll undress each other slowly, take turns rubbing our bodies with oil, and give each other mini-massages. He might even remember to bring the Astro Glide (glory be). His touch will be tender at first and then when we are both fully aroused, we will kiss hard, and communicate our feelings with our tongues. If he’s daring, he’ll kiss the back of my knees, and take my fingers into his mouth one at a time. Do I dare mention licking toes (washed, of course)?

He’ll participate in the play arena of sex, and even find some aspects hilarious, like sexual gymnastic positions (a little harder to achieve when older, but doable). My ideal man will be a gentle lover who is concerned about my needs as well as expressing his own desires. He’s truly adventurous.

This man will light candles, take a bath with me and chill champagne. He’ll make sure I’ve had an orgasm even if he had one first.
Finally, I’d love a man who makes me his number one priority!
Now ask me what I’d do if I’d meet this dream man. How about, everything that is within my power. I’d give in return everything I’ve asked for. I will love, adore, praise, listen to, touch, kiss, deep kiss, French kiss and make love to this man with open abandon. There’s no time to waste in repressing and suppressing emotions. If that’s not enough, I’d do more.

In a book called, good husband, great marriage, by Robert Mark Alter, therapist and marriage counselor, said, “A lot of what I say in this book about us men admitting our deficiencies as partners to you women and becoming good husbands to you will come as a totally new way of thinking for your husband – a whole new way of understanding husbanding and marriage.” I think this relates to all relationships, not just the married folks.

I find that I’m standing on a desolate mountain yelling, “WHERE ARE YOU?”

The sexy Grandmom
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