I knew this couple who had this long term sizzling affair going on although both were married to other people. Their so-called clandestine romance (most of their friends and acquaintances knew about it), had all the makings of a soap opera. They had decided not to leave their marriages for the sake of their children. Through the many years of their affair, they made it clear they longed for each other. The day finally arrived when the children grew up, and then both left their respective spouses shortly after that. Whenever I ran into the scorned wife, her eyes immediately filled with tears. I’m not sure she ever got over their breakup, but, in a way, she had her revenge.

Six months into the new marriage, I bumped into the lovers at a cocktail party. We chatted, and when the bride turned her attention elsewhere, the man leaned over and whispered, “I’d rate my second marriage a C minus.”

Well, you could have sponged me off the floor. I thought about that one for a long time, that is, until I happened on another restyled couple that I knew well. Unsolicited, the man leaned over and whispered something quite similar – “…first wife, second wife, hardly any difference.”

Now, I ask, “Is there something intrinsic in marriage that sets it up to fail over and over?” For instance, does the leap from lovers to married couple kill romance? How about those with a string of failed marriages? Are they choosing the same mate in a different disguise (usually younger for the men) over and over? We all know that marriages are failing at an alarming rate. It’s close to epidemic propotions. To add to the misery, many of the marriages that remain intact are unhappy.

I could go on with speculation (and you know I will), but at the end of the day, we all have to search for answers within ourselves. I strongly believe, it is the unexamined life that contributes most to destroying relationships. When intellect and emotions bump heads, emotions usually prevail.

The emotional component within ourselves is derived from early childhood – impressions of parents or guardians, outside mentors, movies, books, advertising – the list is unlimited. Everything we see or hear sends indelible messages to the brain. We come to adulthood with all this baggage that has been hard-wired into our brains.

For the most part, we are unaware of the impact of this vast array of input into our memory banks. It takes place in our unconscious or even semi-conscious minds. I liken it to the computer that even when you lose a document it is imprinted somewhere in the mysterious caverns of hard drives. It never goes away. We might recall flickers of information, we might not. All of this helps to form what we call “romantic chemistry.”

The unconscious can be a formidable foe in your personal life or even in your career. If we are very lucky and had a terrific childhood, our romantic chemistry can lead us up a wonderful path. If our upbringing was not so perfect (like the vast majority of us), then our romantic chemistry can lead us astray. Even with a happy childhood, there are a myriad of messages we’ve integrated into our unconscious that can be detrimental. Influences, such as society mores, peer pressure and advertising. Then there are the violent video games and dolls for little girls with unattainable physical proportions and exaggerated lifestyles.

Harville Hendrix, Ph.D, a pastoral counselor with more than thirty years’ experience as and educator and therapist, wrote, Getting The Love You Want. In his book, he refers to the old brain and the new brain. “In sharp contrast to the new brain, you are unaware of most of the functions of your old brain. Trying to comprehend this part of your being is a maddening task, because you have to turn your conscious mind around to examine its own underbelly.”

I believe we must make the effort to know ourselves, to examine our own behavior and attitudes. We must explore this mass of communications that has formed us. Would you give your money to a stranger who claimed to be a top notch investment advisor? Before you’d do that, you would investigate, question their track record and ask people who have used the service whether they’ve been successful. Allowing your unconscious, technically a stranger to you, to rule how you behave is irresponsible.

You have to investigate your own romantic track record – has it been successful? If you are involved with someone, have you ever asked them what is their opinion of your capacity to love? Ask yourself if you’ve ever found happiness in relationships. If you have been in multiple marriages/relationships, why are they failing? Are you choosing the same person in different disguises? Perhaps it’s because you’re living an emotionally unexamined life.

Why would you allow your unconscious to rule you? It’s an unknown commodity until you thoroughly explore it – both pros and cons. If you find you are stuck in a destructive groove, you can change it, but not until you discover the why!

I refuse to believe that familiarity, necessarily, breeds contempt. Familiarity is fertile ground to know your lover/mate/partner/spouse deeply, exposing one layer at a time until reaching the last and loneliest place within each and every one of us. Then, familiarity breeds adoration and love. When a soul mate touches that hidden place within us, it is a liberating and exhilarating experience. But, I strongly feel that it can only come by digging into the bedrock of our psyches, by understanding first, who we are. No one can make you happy. It has to come from within yourself!

Let me quote Hendrix again. “When you accept the limited nature of your perceptions and become more receptive to the truth of your partner’s perceptions, a whole world opens up to you.”

The sexy grandmom
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Since each individual blog cannot fully deal with every aspect of a topic, I want to continue in the same vein as my last blog on sexuality. My underlying intent was to jump-start the physical, emotional and intellectual sensibilities using sexuality as springboard. This is important for all ages and especially mature folks. I think we all agree that what goes on in the bedroom often reflects what goes on in the relationship as a whole. When a couple discovers adventure, openness, concern and communication in lovemaking, it has a wonderful way of blending into all other interactions. A new awareness takes hold. There is a tendency to see each other more lovingly and with a playfulness that is free of tension.

If you leave the bedroom angry and/or frustrated, repressing your grievances, it bleeds into everything you do and say. Dissatisfaction renders each partner powerless in a way that translates into every action, word or activity. Both may feel a need to regain control and begin to measure every word, every gesture for hidden intent.

It’s not just about orgasms. Sharing the exploration of our psyches brings an understanding that touches the inner self that few of us ever reveal. It alleviates the emotional isolation deep inside we are all subject to.

One would think there would be little need to discuss how to have better sex in this world of extreme media hype and exposure to sexuality from every angle. Alas, for some reason there continues to be fear and denial of what constitutes a good sex life. Some people feel they have a perfectly good relationship and don’t need that kind of input. That may be true, but the flip side is they may never have asked their partners if they agree. It is easier to slip into a routine, thinking there is no need for communication. And what a loss it is to never really know the hidden person residing within our partner. Significant connections are lost. That is when we feel distanced and adrift from each other.

From the input I receive from people of all ages, my experiences and the frequent complaints therapists and marriage counselors receive, it strongly suggests that there is still much fear, distrust and dysfunction in the bedroom. Have you asked your partner lately, “Are you satisfied with our lovemaking and if not, tell me what you think is going wrong?” Do you dare?

About eight months after becoming widowed, I started the dating game. I must say, I was naïve in that I expected to soon find a loving, tender, insightful man. I was in for a rude awakening. This problem might be more prevalent with my generation. The socialization process we’ve gone through at an early age demands stereotypical roles for men and women. This mentality is a breeding ground for poor relationships and is manifested in the bedroom.

I’ve met a man or two attentive to my having an orgasm, but in a robotic way. A lot of the fun of sensuality is lost. The fear of being vulnerable – the capacity of both people to expose their fears, dreams, hopes and needs – leaves a hollow. Plumbing the depths of your partner’s emotional and inner world and exposing your own, will produce huge psychological rewards.

I have experienced relationships where a person is emotionally distanced. It leaves me feeling empty. For instance, I met a man who captured my interest and after two months of dating, we started a physical relationship. I assumed that lovemaking became the interlocking force in our relationship. We would be going steady and be loyal to each other. He quickly let me know that going to bed didn’t take our relationship up a notch, and he laughed at the outdated concept of limits on dating outside of our relationship.

I thought long and hard about it and decided to try to change my old-fashioned ways. Sex didn’t have to mean undying fealty, did it? I’m not seeking marriage at this later stage of life, and I didn’t want to have his baby!!! Why not have fun with this relationship, I told myself. The man had a certain charm and the evenings spent together were pleasant despite the edge of tension.

He was pleasant in bed and went through the right motions, but I found him to be emotionally disconnected. After another three months I realized that the emotional disengagement contributed to his commitment phobia. It became unbearable. So, there it was – we had okay times without much depth – decent sex but not connected or enchanting. The physical act itself produced a superficial relationship fraught with distrust. The mechanical performance in the bedroom could not produce real intimacy.

As I got my footing in the single world, I did learn to avoid the disconnected ones that I ran into more times than not. The scenario goes something like this:

He’ll talk for two to three hours about himself, and, truthfully, I am interested in what people have to say about their own lives, particularly about why they’re divorced or never married or other personal tidbits. Finally, he’ll look up at me and say, “Man, I’ve been talking about myself so long. Tell me about yourself. What do you do?”

“I’m a writer and…”

“Hey, my cousin, Jake, is a writer. He’s written as script for a Hollywood movie.
He says I ought to write Hollywood scripts. I’ve really had an interesting life. You can edit my script. You’d be amazed at my experiences. And they really happened to me. Want to read some of the pages I’ve written?”

“Well…sure.”

“What kind of writing do you do?” he’ll ask.

“I’m a fiction writer, and…”

“I never read fiction.” At this point, he’ll glance around the restaurant. “Do you write anything else?”

“Well…”

“Say, I think I know that woman sitting in the corner. Used to go out with her.”

And so the evening goes until I can find a good time to exit. That’s when I’m grateful I drove myself.

I only wish I had the ability to plug everyone into an outlet that charged us ALL with sensitivity, compassion, nurturing. And maybe there might be another outlet that gave us a willingness to explore our own behavior and unconscious world. I think then we’d be on our way to many, many more great relationships.

The sexy grandmom
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