VOLUME 1 — NUMBER 2.5

MASTHEAD | SUBMISSIONS | PRESS | MEDIA KIT | LINKS | MISSION | CONTACT

The Age of Reasonable Doubt

by Fran Metzman

Blow jobs for the mature adult.

So there, I’ve said it aloud. Now here’s the rub (excuse the expression) for older adults. You can not only say those words safely, you might have a sizzling night that includes cunnilingus as well, then go visit the grandchildren the next morning bearing gifts and cooing baby talk.

My children don’t dare to entertain the notion. It’s not as though I’m about to corrupt the minds of my grandchildren. On the contrary, I display a proper image of a grandmother because I sincerely love the role. I constantly strive to sharpen my grand parenting skills, am ever watchful for the latest educational toys, and strive to find books to read to them. But watch out when the sun goes down.

I take great pleasure in watching my grandkids grow and develop, those sweet, bright, innocent babes. In quiet moments alone, I also enjoy reliving a past evening involving a sexual romp or relish my enjoyment of sexual fantasies. So how weird is that? I guess it depends on who is judging.

The prejudice directed against elder sexuality is especially pronounced when it comes to single grandmothers. The fact that we can have another life, one which might take us into darkened bedrooms with incense, candles, oiled bodies, and sensual touch, is fairly abhorrent to younger people — and even among some of my contemporaries. When I announced to several friends that I was writing about sex and the older person, a woman asked if I was horny. Does one have to be horny to have an open, honest discussion? As soon as a woman opens up about her sexuality, she’s labeled as someone who simply wants to get laid. The emotional and intellectual components are quickly lost in the shuffle.

Sometimes mature adults are their own worst enemies. We buy into the protocol that dictates so-called appropriate behavior. Who invented those mores? Why should I follow them? Why not be tolerant or amused when an older person uses colorful language, or dresses and behaves in a manner we judge to be out of character. I’ve reached a point in life where I realize that I’ve held my emotions in check, kept my desires buried for too long. In polite society words like blowjob are off limits, but at my age it’s also taboo to admit you’ve given or received one.

So, now as an oldie I feel we should earn extra points as we age. We get discounts all over the place, at restaurants, bridges, movies, public transportation. So, I suggest we be allotted coupons that give us poetic license to say and act in any manner we please without the accusation that we are losing it or getting senile. I advise you all to get out there, and not give a damn about the notoriety sure to follow by simply opening your minds, your hearts, and your intellects regarding any topic that pleases you. You might even consider bringing up subjects that make you feel uncomfortable. Talk it out and get to the heart of why those issues are disturbing. Think outside the prescribed box. Show no fear or shame.

When it comes to age appropriate roles, the only rule I need to follow is to give respect to other ways of life and the different choices that people make. Whether I attempt to parachute out of a plane, water ski, read a book or sit on a bench by the ocean, I must make decisions that are best for me without judging or being judged by anyone else.

I can grow my hair down to my waist, cut it short, wear postage size skirts or tight slacks — it doesn’t matter. If I speak about sex in front of younger people, I often hear them quietly saying blah-blah over my words as they stick their fingers in their ears. Give me a break.

The phrase “age appropriate” is as outdated as the once rigidly defined homemaker role for women. We compliment the young adult when he or she acts mature. We censor the older adult when he or she acts young. What in the world is age appropriate? Can anyone tell me?

I don’t want to point a finger, but I suspect men had a hand in posting these rules. Older men seem to want women acting age appropriate — even in bed. One man called me a “sexy bitch” as I stretched, getting out of bed. Why the bitch? Why not just sexy? I have placed the story of Eve tempting Adam right into the hopper. Between two consenting adults, no one is doing anything they don’t want to do. If anyone feels strongly that a temptation is immoral, then they should not partake of it.

Many men of my generation (and maybe even younger generations) don’t really want their lovers to be too hot in the bedroom. It’s been said in various studies that men prefer a female who is warm, nurturing, and not necessarily hot in bed. Lukewarm in bed is more to their liking as long as she’s a dynamo in the laundry room and kitchen.

Porn sights garner more attention from men than some women get after they tell their mates they have cancer. Hot, twenty-something babes are it. So, if the focus of men’s thoughts and fantasies are hot babes, why can’t we, as their lovers, get the same kind of consideration?

I’d hazard a guess that the main reason has to do with a man’s deepest fear: a woman who enjoys sex with him might want to do it with many men. Men don’t mind having sex with hot women as long as those women are not permanently in their lives. Men of my generation often choose to take their final vows with women who are lukewarm and obedient in the bedroom, and very, very nurturing and unassertive otherwise. At least that’s what I’ve found among older men whom I’ve met in my newfound dating life.

I sense this issue is a modified version of the Madonna complex. The pure woman, the somewhat “virginal” one who heals her mate, picks him up when he falls, listens without asking for the same in return can’t be the same woman capable of having multiple orgasms in bed. Only dirty sluts enjoy that.

We’ve not evolved too far from our prehistoric days. You can have sex with the hot babes, but not have a real relationship with them. I dare say this subliminal message we get from men rears its ugly head in other societies in much more outrageous ways.

Clitoridectomies are still practiced whereby a pubescent female has her clitoris removed without benefit of anesthesia. This way she has no pleasure from sex and, ostensibly, will never stray from her husband.

In some societies men are able to kill sisters or mothers for so-called sexual infractions in order to preserve the family “honor.” What about binding feet? Making women shave their heads? Or covering them from head to foot in black robes?

The focus is on owning a woman, preventing her from being whole. And although our developed country appears light years away from that kind of treatment of women, the residual effects are here. Fifty percent of law school students are women. Sixteen percent of female lawyers are partners. Fifty percent of medical students are women. Men far and away exceed women as chairpersons of hospital departments.

Men are from Mars and women from Venus? I don’t accept that as a genetic truism. Men and women have the same emotional needs, the same wants and desires from relationships — care, love, support, and friendship. Yet, we’re socialized to go in different directions. Women are wired by society to be caretakers and nurturers otherwise we’re considered too masculine and too aggressive.

Men are socialized to abhor anything emotional. It’s sissy and emasculating. They are taught from an early age that once they are on an equal footing with women as to feelings and opinions, they will be rendered powerless. If they admit to having deep sensitivities, that somehow takes them down a notch or two.

In my opinion a man is far more masculine if he shows his emotions and reveals his inner self. Instead, most men whom I’ve known make minimal use of the English language, stick their faces into a TV set, watch sports, and snicker behind their hand at the babbling little woman.

Many of the gentlemen I’ve encountered seem devoid of emotions or else on a constant quest to suppress anything vaguely duplicating an emotion. As one highly intelligent man stated after I described a play that went deep into the psyches of the characters, “It’s simply chick stuff.”

Yet, there are so many male writers who create sad, yearning, love songs. And what about the male poets writing about love, both lost and found? Male writers digging deep into what makes relationships tick?

Men seem wired to believe that a show of emotion is bad, yet below the surface they yearn for a great relationship as much as any woman does. From the time they were little boys until adulthood, they were taught to repress tears, to run away when there was a crisis rather than face the multitude of feelings. Why? Because that’s what women are supposed to take care of.

I believe women outlive men partly because we tend to express our emotions. Repressing feelings can manifest in the form of physical ailments. Note the expressions that intense emotions raise — thumping heart, blood pounding, twisted stomach. The list goes on. In my opinion, the kind of gut wrenching feelings we’re talking about don’t come from job related stress as much as we once thought. Rather, it is more the result of repressing emotions.

Not recognizing our own behavior and the harm it does around us, has a price attached to it. It wears down the body more quickly, and makes us more prone to illness and death. So, we’re training our boys and men to die before women by telling them to crush their own feelings. (Of course, my mother always told me the reason women outlive men is that God wanted to give women a rest before they, too, died.)

MEN! OPEN UP YOUR HEARTS AND SOULS AND INCREASE YOUR LIFE SPAN! Don’t do it just to have a better relationship (God forbid). Do it for health reasons. I assure you that if we women can get the overflow of your emotions, we’ll take it. If you don’t open up, you might be dead before your time.

I speak for married couples as well as single men and women. Just think of all the revitalized fun to be had in an ongoing, long-term marriage if you throw aside the dictated roles. Hit the pedal to the metal and make discoveries, about yourself, your mate and lover, and the world around you.

This is especially important for mature women who have fallen into the same pattern of playing the “old lady role.” I don’t mean there has to be constant movement, but rather open yourselves up to discovery, and you will create a wonderful rhythm for the exciting times as well as the quiet moods you share with a lover.

I, for one, don’t want to continue the pattern of selecting a mate with the narrow standards of my youth. Now I’m open to considering someone from another religious background, educational level, another race, or possibly another planet. It’s time for me to kick ass and see what fun awaits me just around the corner. If it doesn’t work, nothing is lost. It’s not as though people marrying within the same precepts of religion, race, and economic background have fared any better in the success rate of marriage.

At this mature age, I can go on a quest to know another person and learn a lot or a little. I can even say the word blowjob. It’s a journey that I want to take. How about you?

Fran Metzman

Bio: Fran Metzman has published numerous short stories, a novel, and essays. She is fiction editor for the Schuylkill Valley Journal, has led workshops and taught about working with small presses at Rosemont College on the Main Line near Philadelphia. At work on a new novel, Metzman says that while truth may be stranger than fiction, fiction unleashes the unconscious.